My DS is only 3 weeks old and I'm already caught in a bit of a black cloud, so I'm hoping for some words of wisdom from people who have experienced (and survived!) similar situations. (I'm sorry if this is long, I don't want to drip feed)
DS arrived early at 36 weeks and labour was traumatic for the both of us (emergency forceps delivery, episiotomy and tearing, and resusitation at birth) which lead to him developing severe jaundice and spending 7 days in an incubator undergoing dual phototherapy. While he was in the incubator we tried to establish BFing as well as possible but he was only allowed out of the 'box' for 30mins at a time so we mostly ended up latching and then topping up with formula from a cup. When we were discharged he was feeding OK, albeit a little hit and miss, with some feeds going perfectly and others being a few hours of crying from the both of us. He has an underdeveloped suck reflex and a mild tongue tie so I understand feeding will be as frustrating and upsetting for him as it is for me, which breaks my heart.
The past week has been hellish. His latch is often painful and he seems to be really struggling with his tongue but HVs are happy to wait to see if it does 'stretch'. I spend 1-2hrs moving him from breast to breast to try and get him to take a feed and then I express for 40+ mins once we've finished to try and keep my supply up (he will rarely take both breasts and I regularly feel engorged). By the time all of that is finished I will have around an hours respite before the whole cycle starts again.
To add to this difficulty, yesterday I was referred to the local mental health team with suspected postnatal depression by my GP. I cry uncontrollably for up to 4hours a day as I'm convinced my son will be much better off if I just got in the car and leave him with DH. This isn't solely connected to BFing but my current inability to feed him well is definitely adding to the strain. I have bonded with my son, I love him so much and my PND has manifested itself with irrational thoughts of his death and my ability to care for him. I have vivid images of him being drown (by someone else) and me not being able to rescue him . Due to this I haven't been sleeping and have managed around 2hrs a day since he was born, my appetite is non existent (my DH is encouraging me to eat at every meal time) and I'm exhausted. After a particularly bad day this weekend the community psychiatric nurse advised my husband to take DS for an evening to allow me to get some rest and he would feed EBM/Formula during the night, an idea I initially fought completely but eventually agreed to and managed 6hrs uninterrupted sleep. Since then I have reluctantly agreed to express and allow DH to give DS a bottle during the night so he can take over one feed and I can get some rest. Luckily I can express around 4oz at a time so bottle feeding EBM has been possible.
Yesterday I decided to venture out of the house to the local baby cafe to meet with a lactation consultant to assess his tongue tie. I was there for 2hrs and during this time the LC told me I had been latching his completely wrong since day one and therefore I was to blame for the wind he's suffering and that 'Breast is best' and allowing DH to bottle feed him was not sustainable as he had to return to work and I would end up not BFing which I would regret if I had further children. I left feeling wracked with guilt and like my son wasn't being correctly provided for. The hospital midwives, my community midwife and BF peer supporters had previously checked his latch and hadn't mentioned I was doing it incorrectly.
I feel like my failings at BFing are pushing me further into this god awful PND and is destroying my relationship with DH. He gets all the cuddles and happy time with our son while I'm exhausted by feeding and almost paralysed with anxiety of my son being taken away and struggling to not cry everytime I hear DS stir from a nap.
I've found myself considering giving up with BFing but am struggling to cope with the guilt and feeling like I'm letting him down.
I just don't know what to do. Struggle through with the BFing and hope to come out of the other side with a 12month old who I can still feed or try and regain some sanity and move onto EBM/formula and concentrate on working through these feelings of guilt?
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Infant feeding
Breastfeeding and postnatal depression
42 replies
tiggy2610 · 03/02/2015 10:57
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