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How do you manage nightfeeding and your man?

(24 Posts)
MouseInTheSkirting Sat 24-Jan-15 22:22:48

My little boy is eight days old and feeds every two hours and pretty much all the time 1-6am. My husband has taken to sleeping in the spare room so he can sleep as he has to go to work and is awful if he's not had enough sleep.

I miss him! How can we work it where we share a bed and he gets sleep and our baby gets fed?!

FATEdestiny Sat 24-Jan-15 23:41:59

My husband has never left our bed, and we've had four children who've spent nine months in our room each (and all often 'visit' our bed, even now)

If you would like to share your marital bed, a couple of ideas.

(1) He just has to man up and learn to sleep less lightly. You need to help with this by trying to keep noise and fuss to a minimum.

(2) Bedside cot or safely co-sleep. Both allow you to deal with the baby easily while lying down, with minimum fuss.

Your baby is still tiny at 8 days old and it will change a lot over the coming 6 months (and more). If you are bottle feeding then your husband could share night time responsibilities at the weekend, so that you feel more of a team.

Some people swear by separate rooms. My husband and I would have both hated that. So we worked together to make it work.

Lagoonablue Sat 24-Jan-15 23:46:29

DH slept in spare room throughout the early weeks of both our DCs. He had work and needed his sleep. Yeah I missed him a bit but it was only for a short while and once we got the children in a routine then he moved back in. Wasn't a big deal.

Far better he could function in the day. No good having 2 sleep deprived adults.

BananaPie Sat 24-Jan-15 23:52:52

I find staying in bed to feed the baby really uncomfortable so I take the baby away to feed and change. (Sit in a comfy chair to feed). This has the bonus of being less disturbing for dh, but means we can still share a bed.

Redling Sat 24-Jan-15 23:55:46

He sleeps with earplugs in the room with you or he sleeps in the spare room. My DH is in the spare room Monday to Friday and it was weird at first but I need to feed DS and sleep and that's it at night! I did need his company some times at first when I was awake half the night but soon night feeds can get down to a basic wake and feed in silence, back to sleep pattern. DS is 5 months now and since we put him down in his cot after bath at about 7.30 and then go to bed ourselves at 11 we get baby free time together. There is really no point in two people being exhausted and DH getting a full night meant I could rely on him in the day to help out. After 3 months the night feeds were manageable and we can occasionally sleep in the same room. I'm not sure when we'll move DS to his own room as while he still needs night feeds I'd rather not have to go to him to do it.

GingerCuddleMonster Sun 25-Jan-15 00:00:41

When he is here, he does them, and I snooze in the bed next to him, if he is home for a long period of tie like 2weeks, we do alternate night shifts. We sleep I the same bed, I don't think I could cope not having him next to me when he is home.

The only thing I can think of suggesting is ear plugs or safe co sleeping to minimise the disturbance for you all.

squizita Sun 25-Jan-15 09:40:34

Just a question - I thought 2 adults in the bad wasn't safe in terms of Co sleeping?

My dh sleeps in the spare room. The first few days aren't like even a week or 2 later. You will find it improves.

But then again sleeping even a tiny bit and feeding baby occupy my mind at night not missing dh. Maybe I'm just cold hearted lol.

squizita Sun 25-Jan-15 09:47:53

As Lagoon and Redling say, both of us being exhausted did more damage to our daytimes together than was "worth it" for missing each other.
He does still help with nappies in the night!
I have his mobile on speed dial. 2 rings in the night mean "she's pooped come and get her". grin
I bf so he can't help with feeding but if I ff I would expect help maybe he does night feeds weekends or something...

FATEdestiny Sun 25-Jan-15 14:41:49

"I thought 2 adults in the bad wasn't safe in terms of Co sleeping?"

I've not heard that before? It's not in NHS or NICE recommendations.

I have just goggled though and found this article from 2009 whereby newspaper reports made links between additional people (children or adults) in bed, co-sleeping and SIDS. The article goes on to explain that while the findings are taken into consideration by the NHS, it explains the limitations and errors in the research. Presumably why it's findings are not part of NHS guidelines.

babyblabber Sun 25-Jan-15 15:08:12

DH always moves out when we've a newborn. I miss him but I would rather he have energy for work and our other DCs. Only for a short while so not a big deal imo

stargirl1701 Sun 25-Jan-15 16:30:47

DH sleeps in the spare room until 6 months. His choice. He wakes up frequently and quite panicked if in the bed with baby. Since we had DD2, it's been me and DD2 in our bed and, frequently, DH and DD2 in the spare room.

BertieBotts Sun 25-Jan-15 16:39:46

I used to co-sleep and so feeding was really quiet and non disruptive. Would do so again. DH wears earplugs to sleep anyway (remnant from working night shifts) so I don't think I'd disturb him.

I co-slept with XP in the bed but we had a bedside cot and the baby was on my side, not in between us. It is a risk if the baby is between you, because the father is not as aware. Having said that I did do that occasionally, but knowing more about the risks, and with DH using earplugs and perhaps sleeping more deeply I probably wouldn't now.

squizita Sun 25-Jan-15 16:41:18

Fate ah it was discussed at my ante natal class.

MouseInTheSkirting Sun 25-Jan-15 16:41:21

It's made me feel better that some of you have the same set up. In my hormone laden, midnight worries I imagine it's the end of our marriage! I'm breastfeeding so he can't take his turn. When morning finally arrives I take baby through to him so I can have a shower/bath. We could try ear plugs I guess but I tend to put the light on and read while baby feeds.

NomiMalone Sun 25-Jan-15 16:44:17

DP has slept in a different room since DS was born.

We bought a bedside crib but it's barely used as the reality is that DS sleeps snuggled up to me (and feeding lots).

It's not forever and we all get uninterrupted sleep. It works for us.

When DS gets bigger we'll make the spare room his room and work on getting him to sleep in his own cot.

HermioneWeasley Sun 25-Jan-15 16:46:08

DW and I slept in separate rooms for about 6 months after DCs arrived. I need my sleep! Your marriage will survive if it's otherwise sound.

squizita Sun 25-Jan-15 16:48:51

Just to clarify- I'm pretty sure a sidecar cot or sleepyhead counts as a 'cot in the same room' not bed sharing? So is safe whatever?
I have a sleep condition and can move suddenly in my sleep or sleep jerkily or very deeply (so cannot bed share in the traditional sense) and all the HCP recommended a sidecar/sleepyhead as a safe compromise.

I was just talking about bed sharing and I think they mean what bertiebotts said - don't have the baby between you or next to a drop (which makes it quite hard with 2 people I guess!).

Fairylea Sun 25-Jan-15 16:54:34

Well we are quite different in that one of the reasons I chose not to breastfeed was that I knew from day 1 dh and I could take turns at the night feeds (and all the feeds) so that's what we did, and when he went back to work he did the evening shift so I went to bed about 8 ish to get some sleep in and then he'd bring ds up in the moses basket about midnight and I'd take over from then until 6am when dh got up for work so we both got some sleep.

After a while (about 9 weeks ish) ds started sleeping for longer periods at night so we put him in his 8 own room with a good baby monitor and I'd get up to him as needed (yes I know it's against sids guidelines and I do understand them but none of us were getting any sleep otherwise).

I did the same thing with dd who is now 12. Ds is now 2.8.

I wouldn't be happy at all if dh went off to the spare room. If I'm expected to look after the house and a demanding baby on little to no sleep I don't see why he should be able to opt out (unless he did a job that did a lot of driving etc). Loads of mums (and dads) go to work when they've got up in the night to see to their kids. I did it for years as a single mum working full time.

CaptainMorgansMistress Sun 25-Jan-15 16:57:30

Just about the lighting situation while feeding, I found using the kindle app on my phone brilliant as it has a black background and white text - so you can read easily but it doesn't light the room up.

BertieBotts Sun 25-Jan-15 17:02:21

OK so it's the light which is the issue - I'd say either go to another room to feed then so you don't have to wake him up or stop turning on the light, or he sleeps in the other room. Those are the only 3 solutions really. Unless an eye mask would work for him and a smaller light for you?

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Sun 25-Jan-15 17:08:20

We have a bedside cot but my 9 week old prefers to sleep cuddled up to me. So I sleep in the middle inbetween her and dh. The bedside cot is still there and means there's no chance of her falling out as the cot is right next to the bed.

squizita Sun 25-Jan-15 17:10:09

I leave the landing light on overnight and feed in the dark with a little light from that. I open the door if I need more light (eg nappy change, spit up ...).
I use my phone to read or whatever if I'm in the mood.

pommedeterre Sun 25-Jan-15 17:13:30

We've always done dh in spare room until baby is only up once or twice.

For numbers 2 and 3 this was really important in terms of one parent not being sleep deprived and extremely grumpy smile

Don't worry - it's all a bit whatever works to get you through the night in the early days!

DilysDerwent Mon 26-Jan-15 09:31:57

I take the baby into the nursery or downstairs for feeds so DH might wake initially but can get back to sleep.

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