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Feeling criminalised for not wanting to BF

(48 Posts)
RavioliOnToast Thu 22-Jan-15 08:26:26

Hi all, first thread, not even sure if its in the right section. Anyway, here goes.

I'm 38+1 so D Day is looming, I've got all my bottles, steriliser and one tin of formula so far (incase it doesnt agree with her or whatever) so I am actively wanting to bottle feed. I have my reasons for this and while they are not reason enough for most, they're good enough for me. Mainly because I have DD and she will be 3 very soon, I am a SAHM and feel like this will limit all I am able to do with her aswell. I BF DD for a brief period, ended up with bleeding nipples and a blocked duct and I gave up. I stopped BFing with barely any perseverance. This I honestly regret, however, DD ended up being a very hungry baby, she was put onto extra hungry formula on recommendation of HV and if i'm honest, I had such a happy baby. Her feeds were clockwork, I knew how much she was drinking, when she would next wake etc it was a lot easier for us all. I was in an abusive relationship with DD dad also and I honestly feel like if it were not for DD I would not be still here, I was ground down so much, literally on the verge of a breakdown, I have my baby girl to thank for getting me through that, this reason is selfish but because of this I want to be able to spend as much quality time with her when the baby comes as possible, I dont want her to feel as left out as she may. I feel like if I can give My Mam or DH the bottle they can feed her while I spend a little time with DD.

Now for this baby, this baby is DH's first child (long story short, we worked together a few years ago, both in relationships, met back up with each other as friends when I split with DD dad and he had been split with long term ex for approx 8/9 months, we totally hit it off and now we're married smile lifes a funny old thing) anyway, as this is DH's first child, it is FIL's first biological grandchild, hes very paternal, when he and MIL divorced DH and his sister stayed with FIL etc. MIL is a cow tbf, but anyway i digress again, FIL is very defensive of the fact I should try to breastfeed, its BEST for his grandchild. Then you have the health visitors, who when I told them I wanted to bottle feed, looked so narked, like literally as though i'd pissed on her kids, then my MW is trying to push BFing aswell.

Why, oh why, can nobody accept the fact that I would really like to bottle feed, I knew exactly where I was when feeding DD, and it honestly worked for me, I don't feel like I bonded any less with her, she is a very happy 2 year old, tall, strong, active, absolutely beautiful and the HV tells me her speech rivals that of at least a 3 and a half y.o and while im not saying she wouldnt be the same if i did BF, i'm just saying formula feeding has done her no harm.

What I really want to know is are my reasons valid enough for not wanting to? Should i really even care what other people think?

More of a rant than anything but if you reply, Thankyou!

Nolim Thu 22-Jan-15 08:33:26

Should you care what other ppl think? Nope.

As long as you baby is thriving do what is best for you and your family.

RavioliOnToast Thu 22-Jan-15 08:36:01

I know I shouldnt care, everybody is so judgemental though, more so at the fact i dont even want to try this time. Thank Nolim smile

MinceSpy Thu 22-Jan-15 08:45:20

Your body, baby and choice.

BabyOnBoob Thu 22-Jan-15 08:51:31

You've definitely got to do what's best for you. This is a tough part of having kids isn't it - everyone sticks their beak in and tells you what to do angry

Just tell people confidently and assertively that you're bottle feeding. You'll be fine. It sounds like you've done an amazing job with your DD.

LedditGo Thu 22-Jan-15 08:54:27

Your baby, your body, your life, your choice.


CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy every minute of your growing family.

GratefulHead Thu 22-Jan-15 08:58:08

Personally given the lack of breastfeeding support once the baby is here I am not surprised so many women choose to bottle feed. I used to be a health visitor and while breastfeeding g has important benefits for Mum and baby it is not the be all and end all.....and the support in the initial stages is crap as you probably discovered last time.

Your body, your baby, your choice.

FWIW I really struggled to breastfeed and I bottlefed. My DS is 12 bow and I feel no regrets whatsoever.

Enjoy your baby dx

tiktok Thu 22-Jan-15 09:01:11

Ravioli, it's no one else's business. I can't imagine why your father in law even thinks it's appropriate to express an opinion....this is something (unasked for sharing of parenting opinions) you need to knock on the head, with the active support of your DH.

Health visitors and midwives have a professional obligation to offer a discussion on feeding options with you, and it may be your sensitivity and defensiveness that leads you to interpret facial expressions as being critical - is that possible? Of course it is possible that the HV was irritated and cross with you - but again, not her place to have that sort of opinion!

If you're saying nobody accepts the fact you would like to bottle feed, you're probably omitting your mother and your DH - and whatever feeding type you choose, it is important to have the support of the people closest to you...and you have that, from the sound of it, so you will gain in confidence when the baby is actually here.

BTW, people will judge and criticise whatever you do - there is a thread at the moment from a breastfeeding mother who feels under attack because her friends are continually making negative judgements about it.

Point is to be strong and confident in your right to make the decisions that feel most comfortable for you. Not everyone will agree with them, but they have no right to undermine you.

EssexMummy123 Thu 22-Jan-15 09:02:56

Baby getting fed and gaining weight is the important thing, I'm sure a lot of babies have been bottle fed and it's been just fine. I think HV's might have targets set around breast feeding which don't take individual situations into account.

Gen35 Thu 22-Jan-15 09:04:55

I think especially with a dc2 you do what you know works well for your family. Bf isn't the be all and end all, the mws and hvs all have bf related targets and it's a problem for them if you say not bf as one of their boxes doesn't get checked and they are supposed to take action - usually the easiest form of that is trying to make you feel bad at the stage you're at. I wish they'd invest more money in proper support centres and less in silly leaflets and posters

Only1scoop Thu 22-Jan-15 09:10:38

I really don't think I'd welcome my fil opinions on bf....

Sounds like it worked well first time around for you so why not. It's your choice. To be honest I chose to ff dd from birth. I didn't get questioned at all. It worked perfectly dd thrived from day one and a we had a fantastic routine in place within a month.

Good luck smile

GritStrength Thu 22-Jan-15 09:12:17

There is another way of looking at this. Things are rather different than with your DD. You have a loving, rather than abusive, partner and you have some family support. Yes BF rather than FF does mean you need to do the feeding unless you express but it doesn�t mean baby needs to be glued to you 24/7. If you wanted to BF you could just be clear that when others are around you�ll need their support in taking the baby so you can spend time with DD. So what I�m trying to say it isn�t a question of quality time for DD or BF DC2, you can seek to balance both if you wanted to give it another go.

Ultimately of course it is up to you and if FF is right for your family, understanding the pros and cons of the decision, then that is totally your right. However you will have to accept that you will have to have some conversations about it. Given the benefits of BF both midwives and HVs are mandated to promote it. If you have made you mind up then you may wish to have some stock phrases ready when it comes up eg �I�ve carefully considered the situation and concluded FF is best for us�, �yes I am aware of the benefits of BF however have decided FF is best for us�, �thank you for your advice but my mind is made up and I don�t wish to discuss it further � please can we move on�. This may give you more confidence in your decision and shut down conversations that make you feel uncomfortable.

WrappedInABlankie Thu 22-Jan-15 09:14:45

Imo they get narked at every thing. I expressed with DS and gave it in a bottle and the midwife was pissed I did that as I was just "wasting time".

I had my reasons for doing it this way and I was more comfortable with it but apparently that wasn't good enough and they refused to help when he went on formula as they can't advice!

Ignore everyone else, do what's best for you and your Dc's smile

gamerchick Thu 22-Jan-15 09:21:36

Just don't discuss it with people. You don't have to talk about it. Talking about it means people have an opinion. . Like mine is for effective. . Use formula but babies tummy are not designed for milk for the first few days and so many people waste the colostrum which gives the baby a massive antibody boost. Why waste it when your milk comes in anyway?

See. . Talking about it brings people's opinions wink just point blank refuse and do your own thing.

gamerchick Thu 22-Jan-15 09:22:08

*for eg

IWantDogger Thu 22-Jan-15 09:26:07

Very similar thread on this a couple of days ago, might be worth a look.

You should do what you think.

My position is I ended up ff dc1 &2 after unsuccessful bf for different reasons. Am pretty sure i will ff dc3 too (due in June) but I'm 'keeping an open mind'-
(A) just in case he/she bf like a dream with no pain and not particularly frequent feeds (yeah right, though I've known people with babies like this)
(B) I don't care what people think particularly but I think it will be a hassle to explain my reasons to numerous health professionals antenatally and in hospital & think they might judge me for not trying so easier to just say 'I'll give it a go and see How it goes'
(C) whilst I think the benefits of bf are overstated and happy/sane mum is most important I do buy into the idea that the colostrum is good for them so will try to get some of that into them.

Only1scoop Thu 22-Jan-15 09:28:55

I agree with gamer on the not up for discussion angle once you've made a choice. If you change your mind then that's up to you.

As an older first time mum with a years maternity leave ....I think some people just expected that I would BF. Rarely ever asked anything though.

squizita Thu 22-Jan-15 09:31:32

People always stick their beaks in. sad

It's entirely your business. It will be fine, too. In the UK with safe water etc there's no problem with ff.

Your FIL sounds a right pita.

Nocturne123 Thu 22-Jan-15 09:38:24

Please try not to care what others think. I bf dd for 3 weeks and I bf ds once and then ff ( that was always my intention)

It's your choice and it shouldn't matter what your reasons are . When the midwife in hospital said to me it was a shame I wasn't bf ds I just said it's not for me and that was the end of it.

The whole thing baffles me to be honest. A well fed baby either ff or bf and a happy mum win win !

CultureSucksDownWords Thu 22-Jan-15 09:58:34

If your FIL is the kind to make unasked for comments about your parenting choices then there will always be something that he has an opinion on that he feels is his right to push on you!

I agree with having some stock phrases prepared on this topic and just repeat them ad nauseum until FIL stops asking. You are an adult woman who has made a choice about what you want to do with your body, based on your personal situation, experience and feelings. It's difficult to do, but if you are happy with your choice then other people's opinions really are not worth engaging with if they are not listening to you.

Hidingthefear Thu 22-Jan-15 12:40:48

don't feel bad for wanting to bottle feed, what ever your reasons, they are your reasons which makes them good enough for you.

I'm wanting to breastfeed and have the opposite problem that all my friends think its "weird" and say things like, ahh i wouldn't bother it's too much like hard work. So I feel like i'm criticised for wanting to do what I think is right. And yet when I told my nan that i'd breastfeed if I can but would probably switch to bottles once older, I got it in the neck from her with the whole breast is best argument, so i'm gonna be in the wrong according to someone no matter what!

there is no Right or Wrong, just know that whatever you do, someone will have an opposing opinion.

Hidingthefear Thu 22-Jan-15 12:42:57

I will add, that i would never have considered breastfeeding if it wasn't for DH's support and belief in me, but he's equally told me that if it doesn't work out for any reason he totally supports bottle feeding. I do have a lump in my left breast and it's unknown if it will affect milk or not so if it is a problem then so be it. (nothing malicious by the way, just a collection of cysts that they don't want to remove as it would cause more harm than good so my lumpy boob is staying as it is lol)

bettyboop1970 Thu 22-Jan-15 12:48:09

Tell him to mind his own.
Your baby and body.

CoolCat2014 Thu 22-Jan-15 19:09:40

Do what makes you & your baby happy. If that's bottle feeding, great!

Brandysnapper Thu 22-Jan-15 19:15:49

Feeling got at is not the same as being criminalised surely!
Agree with other posters, they'll get at you for something if not your feeding choices.

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