Ive buggered it all up

[PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears]

My dd (18mo) had 100% tongue tie, managers to fb her for 4 days before the damage to my nipples was so severe I was told to stop or I would potentially need surgery. Fantastic so stopped, and got referred for the TT to be cut, because it was also affecting bottle feeding. Waiting list for TT operation was 8 weeks, so no choice but to give up on bf. emotionally found it horrifically hard because I'd never imagined I wouldnt bf my children..

Just had ds (8 days old) and he is also tongue tied, not as severly. Managed to bf for 5 days before the pain got so horrific I had a panic attack when he was due his next feed. Decided that bf wasn't the best for my family.. They all need me to be okay, which I wasn't when trying to bf. I really wanted ds tongue tie cut, even though he's now bottle fed. I panicked in the bf clinic today (where they do referrals) because they said they only cut them now if baby is still bf/ mother is expressing with the view to going back to bf.. I lied. God, I feel awful.

I said that I was expressing for 80% of his feeds, the other 20% was formula top ups. No probs she said, when we cut the TT (on Tuesday, clearly shorter wait times ATM!) he will go to the breast straight after and you can leave once we witness a successful feed to check he's okay....

It won't be successful, my milk is basically gone- and I don't think bf is right for my family. My dd needs me, dp can help with bottles, and honestly I just don't want to and I feel horrific about it.

So not only am I not doing the best for ds, I've also lied to get the op done in the first place. What do I do? I feel horrific. Sorry it's so long and pathetic :(

[Thurlow]

OK - deep breath, calm down

You're not doing anything wrong by getting the tongue tie snipped at all.

Tongue ties can have effects later on - have a look here

Formula feeding is absolutely fine too. You gave breastfeeding a go and it didn't work out for you. You could try again after his tongue tie is snipped and maybe it will work. But if it doesn't, then formula isn't poison. And like you say, bottle feeding has so many benefits for the rest of your family too.

If you see the HVs again and they ask just say you tried, but it still didn't work out.

[PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears]

I just feel horrific that I've had to lie to get it done.. And now I'm going to have to pretend to bf him after the procedure, which will bring him no comfort whatsoever.

I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I'm okay with ff.. Does that sound stupid? :(

How long before I need to go to the drs for pnd diagnosis? I know it's early days with a new baby etc.. I had it with dd and I thought I had beaten it but feeling awful today :(

[Heels99]

You will feel better, the pressure to bf is horrendous and mums are made to feel awful if it doesn't work out. You have two fabulous children who you cherish enough to put up with extreme boob agony!!!! This horrid phase will pass, I look back now and can raise a smile at my bf angst and how terrible it was and how upset it made me. My dds don't seem to have suffered from expressed milk and formula they are lovely bright healthy girls. Breast milk is not ambrosia of the gods and formula or expressed milk is not poison. Be gentle to yourself. You have had an ordeal and THIS too shall pass. Speak to,gp any time you want, I had a few good bulbs on the midwife shoulders. They have seen it all before! Good luck

[PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears]

Thank you so much. Sometimes I think you just need someone to tell you what you already know.. It doesn't matter either way!

Why does everything have to hit you at once?? I feel at least 10x better now than I did when I first posted... The wonders of mn!

[Hedgehogging]

Aw don't feel bad OP. As others have said you are doing what's right for you and your family.

The pressure of having to make good on your (justified!) fib probably made the anxiety and guilt ten times worse!

Just tell them on the day that you have a lot of anxiety around BFing (true) and would prefer not to have to have them watching you attempt it; comfort and calm of home etc etc, then hey! It didn't work out.

Look after yourself and remember no matter WHAT you do there'll always be some old biddy waiting in the wings to tell you it's wrong. You do what you have to do to keep you and yours happy

[Chasabeth]

Oh my, I really feel for you. Please please don't feel bad for using formula.

I had the same thing very recently, my DS had real trouble latching on when I tried to BF, even when it was wrong I was told it was correct, and it did a lot of damage to the point where I have a scar on my nipple from 4 weeks ago. There was so much damage I had infections, mastitis, horrible pain and after lots of tears and sleepless nights, going to specialists, BF clinics, my GP, midwifes, HVs, crying when I knew he was due a feed, I had to stop. I now express and use formula and I feel 100% better. My DH has noticed a huge difference and I now I feel I can enjoy my DS.

My point is you need to do what is right for you. Getting his tongue tie cut can be a good idea and I can fully understand why you feel like you do for getting to this stage. As previously suggested and say your not happy about being watched when you BF. It also might be worth speaking to someone outside your circle or anyone involved so you can get out how you feel about everything that's happened.

[PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears]

Thank you for not judging, I literally couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth when I was spouting utter bullshit at the Bf clinic :(
The idea of feeding straight after is so they can check it's worked and that the bleeding has stemmed.. I really want it done, my brother had a lot of problems with TT and had it cut age 17.. I don't want the stress for ds, but I don't see any other way.
What's making it worse, is that the lady from the bf clinic will be there on Tuesday at the cutting thing..

My options are

• keep up the lie, breastfeed after the op (my milk is still fairly here, I doubt it will be fully gone by Tuesday) and hope for the best? (Will it hurt if my milk isn't in?)
  
• phone them and tell them I'm no longer bf but still want it done and see what they say.. (99% sure they would say 'let's not bother then')
  
• turn up on the day and tell them I'm no longer bf, don't want to bf, but still want the op- but have the chance of looking like an idiot/ being told they won't do it/ having wasted the appt that someone else could have used
  

I feel like such a fraud..

[hollie84]

I would have it done, put him to the breast and if he doesn't suckle just give him a dummy/bottle and say "well he's mostly formula fed now".

You can always say you will get some more breastfeeding support to get him back on the breast (you can do this if you want to). They're not going to expect a bottle fed baby to do a perfect breastfeed just after the snip anyway.

[hollie84]

On Tuesday he'll be what - 12 days old? Just tell them you haven't breastfed him since he was 5 days. There will still be milk there, but in these circumstances there is never going to be "a successful feed" just like that.

[PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears]

Ok, go and get it done, try and bf (this is going to make it take longer for my milk to dry up isn't it? :( ) if it doesn't work then give a bottle and 'il try again and get fb support when I get home' if it does work, then I don't have to continue with bf regardless... I feel so so horrific about this :(

Will he still remember how to latch on properly after so long? When I was fb his latch was perfect, just the tongue causing the problem!

It's awful that you have to lie in a situation like this to get it done, particularly with the problems it's proven to cause in later life :(

[Hedgehogging]

Sounds like a plan.

And don't worry, I shouldn't think one "to keep them happy" BF is going to drastically delay your milk drying up.

Your DS might surprise you and latch nicely on the day and then all pressure is off and you can go home and do whatever you want. Remember you're doing this for DS's good whether he's BF or FF so don't let any other consideration make you feel bad. You're putting your DC's needs first despite how bleugh it is having to go through the post-snip rigmarole. You're ace and this time next week it'll all be over and done with!

[PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears]

Thank you for your support. Dp was a bit about how I've handled it, but it's been done now.. I needed a plan and now I have one. So thank you, and thank you for not judging me..
I will come back after the procedure and let you know how it went!!

[hollie84]

Don't worry, you don't have to lie really. Tell them he hasn't been put the the breast in x days, they won't be expecting him to latch perfectly (but you never know, he might). You can be honest that he's basically formula fed now and say you want to go back to breastfeeding if the snip works - it's not committing you to anything.

[PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears]

I don't know if anyone actually cares, but had the TT cut this morning, and it was totally fine! Just said that I had been fb every now and again but that my milk was still in.. Appt at 9, they cut it at 9.05, tried to latch him on and he wasn't bothered, he had a ff and we were out the door by 9.20!!

Thank you all so much for your support- I think I got a bit hysterical!!

[Thurlow]

Well done! It's so easy to get caught up on and wound up by something. That's great new. Do you feel better now it's done?