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Dh unsupportive

(34 Posts)
Twinnies10 Sun 22-Sep-13 09:58:03

Not really sure why I am posting this guess just wondering has anyone else felt the same, I am currently bf my 8 week old, it's going very well but he is still feeding alot, my dh wore me down and got me to agree to a bottle of formula at night (he tried for 2) before bed in the last week, everytime henhas bottle he makes a comment like "let's give you a decent feed" or "let's fill you up properly" just now he walked in on me pumping, it was up at 3 ozs and I was chuffed, he looked and said "
The poor fecker must always be starving" it really hurt, hes a content baby and only cries when hungry, has only been sick after the magic bottle, never after a bf, he is slowly knocking away at my confidence hmm

TwerkingNineToFive Wed 25-Sep-13 09:19:10

My bf baby (couldn't get more than a couple of ounces by expressing) slept through (7-7) from 8 weeks every night. Some baby's sleep some don't ff or bf.
I think your baby would rather have a healthy happy mummy than be fed a certain way but sleep wise ff won't nessisarly help.

petalsandstars Wed 25-Sep-13 09:10:18

I saw a tv programme on bf yesterday and a teen mum didn't bf as breasts are for sex and bf is for older posh mums. Although when pushed a little admitted now she wished she'd tried it. Others were scared of being judged for bf in public, but said if it was seen more frequently they'd find it more normal.

tiktok Tue 24-Sep-13 23:17:52

I see what you mean, jollyb - but I see plenty of women without problems, too, antenatally and postnatally.

Jollyb Tue 24-Sep-13 19:38:37

Tik tok - I wonder if this attitude is that unusual. Maybe unsupportive partners are part of the reason breast feeding rates are so low. The women that you counsel are a selected group in that they are seeking help for breast feeding problems. The ones whose partners give no encouragement or support probably give up before they even get to you.

DD1 was mixed fed as I was exhausted after a traumatic labour and emergency section. DP was guilty of making the 'let's top her up' type comments. It didn't help that first time we gave her formula she took an 0z and slept for 4 hours.

I was wary that he would undermine me this time but touch wood he hasn't so far.

Sarahjames2013 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:37:07

you have to do whatever you feel is right for you and your baby, your husband I'm afraid will have to like it or lump it. ((hugs))

Twinnies10 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:12:24

That's good hadalittlefaith, I also spoke to dh and he reckons he didn't mean it like that and is 100% behind me, no comments anyways since

HadALittleFaith Tue 24-Sep-13 13:01:53

After a long chat with my DH it's seems it's not as black and white as I thought - he is worried that the BF is contributing to my depression (I'll admit I am a bit depressed) because DD isn't sleeping well. He honestly thinks FF babies sleep better hence why he's encouraging me to consider stopping or cutting down. Thing is I love BF and find it convenient in so many ways I think life would be harder with bottles! I can't imagine getting up to warm bottles in the night when I can currently just stick her on the boob. I do wonder if DD just had a long period of the 4 month sleep regression because her day time naps have improved in the last week.

Famzilla Tue 24-Sep-13 12:19:24

I can't believe men like this exist in 2013. It's shameful.

DH has been nothing but supportive, and none of our friends have BF either (maybe because we're in our early 20's in a very WC area? Who knows). You don't have to be an educated person to put the health needs of your child above your own chosen ignorance. Utterly pathetic.

tiktok Mon 23-Sep-13 10:59:39

It's good you have started a support thread for women in this situation. I think I can say that this attitude among men is very unusual. I am a breastfeeding counsellor and I only very rarely come across these feelings. It's not uncommon for men to feel helpless and puzzled, but continual criticism and undermining, especially after the mum has explained her feelings and has shared information about bf with him, is not normal and it is very unkind and totally unacceptable.

Please don't let the fact that other women have experienced the same, end up normalising this attitude and behaviour sad

It really doesn't matter a jot what the family expects or what the family has been used to doing in the past. Now is now and babies' needs and mothers' needs should be easily compelling enough to overcome the past.

BraveLilBear Mon 23-Sep-13 03:55:55

Hey Twinnies, Faith and all other 'formula fixes everything' widows- I have one of these too.

He claims to be supportive of breastfeeding by saying things like 'if you want to breastfeed, I don't mind - but formula is so much easier/more convenient/better for aroutine...' etc.

When I object tho he starts with 'you're obsessed withbbreastfeeding' 'all it ever is is breastfeed breastfeed breastfeed with you' or 'don't you care aboutus?'

We hhave been blessed with a wonderful easy going baby who's put lots of weight on, hasn't had any health dramas, and, has given us (well, me) big chunks of sleep for several weeks. He's nearly 9 weeks and we get a 5-6 hour stretch pretty much every night already.

The issue is that he was ff, his siblings were all ff, his 11 yo son was ff, in his friendship group none of his friends went past 4 weeks bf and they have all told him how they -got their lives back' when they switched.

He refuses to read evidence, research or advice about bf and is incredibly hostile to public feeding. Today we went to one of his friends for lunch who have a 16 week old. DS needed feeding so I went and sat on the stairs. The friends gf saw me and was baffled - I told her that I had been given strict instructions that I was 'not to breastfeed in front of my friends'. Gf marched into the room and started tutting at DP and pointed out how ridiculous he was being (they have v different boundaries to us and wouldn't think twice about having words in public). DPs friend agreed and added that you can't see anything. DP was really embarrassed and asked if I wanted to go back in there.

Hopefully encounters like these will help DP see the advantages of bf and make him realise that it's his attitude that is so damaging and not the actual breastfeeding.

Maybe we should start a support thread here?

MissStrawberry Sun 22-Sep-13 21:13:16

NEWSFLASH - feeding formula does not necessarily mean your baby will sleep through, which is obviously what the H is hoping for.

He is being a wanker saying let's give you a proper feed. Way to undermine your wife. Dickhead.

Sunflower1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:05:16

I agree about the routine thing. So many times my ds has woken for food and my DH says - no he can't be hungry / he ate 4 oz 2 hours ago!

He seems to take the words on the side of the formula bottle as gospel

HelpMePleaseImConfused Sun 22-Sep-13 20:46:33

I am not defending DP or any other man's actions. I do think venting frustration is human nature though, and i think for mum or dad, it is natural to take time to adjust from a "selfish" life to one where you need to meet someone elses needs constantly, no matter how prepared you think you are beforehand. I do also think it's easier to maintain some kind of life for yourself when ff because it is easier to hand the baby to someone else if only for a few hours.

I totally agree that sacrificing nights out and time to yourselves for such a short time is hugely worth the benefits of bf, but i dont think the pressure it can put on a couple can be doubted. Like you say though exbrighton, i would expect a huge apology for any such outburst, and i wouldnt put up with constant emotional blackmail

ExBrightonBell Sun 22-Sep-13 20:28:03

Surely these "men" can realise that babies cannot just fit in around their former lives, and that being a parent (dad) is about putting their child's needs FIRST. So what if it's not easy to go out for a while, or if they need a bit more settling at night. There are so many benefits to the baby from breastfeeding and no husband/partner should ignore these due to their own frustrations. How immature to do so. They also should be able to talk about their frustrations to their partners without being rude, dismissive, contemptuous or undermining. Or at least, if they can't prevent an outburst, they should bloody well apologise properly and then talk about it with respect and kindness.

HelpMePleaseImConfused Sun 22-Sep-13 20:05:38

My DP sometimes has outbursts about this about bf and i think it is more than them just feeling left out. I think it can be frustrating for them that there isnt much routine when bf because you're much more likely to feed on demand than with ff. In fact my DP has openly said that it annoys him that we cant go out easily (im rubbish at expessing) and he blames bf for the fact that DS wakes often at night still at 8mo and is a nightmare to get to to stay asleep at bedtime because we have gotinto the habit of him feeding to sleep.

It seems to be the norm for everyone we know to ff pretty much from.birth, and in fact he has an older ds who was ff, so all of his previous and present experience is of ff. He looks at these people whose babies are in nice manageable routines, sleeping through or close to it at a couple of months old, and who can be handed over to someone else for the night quite easily, and he looks at our ds who we can barely leave still, and he is frustrated. He equates DS's night waking and lack of ability to settle with him "not getting enough" and "needing more" than breast milk. He is itching to give him a nice big bottle of formula to free us up.

Sometimes i can totally see where he is coming from and if im honest, i have the same thoughts. But in both of our rational heads, we know that because he is bf, he takes little and often, and bm is easier to digest so he needs more regular feeds. It is normal i think to vent these frustrations when you are tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed with the demands that bf places on you. There are times when my dp was be incredibly supportive and proud of my bf though, perhaps there are times when your dh is as well?

HadALittleFaith Sun 22-Sep-13 18:58:59

Argh I get this too. It's more subtle with my H he gets no D for darling in relation to BF!. I always said I wanted to BF (no reason why not). DD was low birth weight which made things trickier and since day 2 he has suggested nothing but bottles and formula. I had to repeatedly explain about establishing supply and nipple confusion. He has pushed and pushed formula like it's the answer to everything! Now at 5mo she has one bottle of formula a day and it does seem to help her settle at night. He is now pushing me to stop BF completely. He broached this subject about 3 hours after I'd come round from an anaesthetic! shock I refused to discuss it. The irony is he says he supports me BF. I'm not sure he realises how much what he says undermines me at times (stuff like 'She never seems satisfied' when she's asleep after feeding!). Today we were at a party in a village hall and she was hungry. I got ready to feed her and he suggested I go to a quiet room. I refused because a. I didn't need to, b. I was ready to feed, c. I was in a feeding dress so was subtle. If someone in public had said that to me I'd have blown my top! He has this thing that I BF because I 'want a medal'. apparently that's why
I fed in the hall today hmm that's why I'm determined to BF til at least 6 months. Has nothing to do with the health benefits and the fact that we both enjoy it, it's more convinient and cheaper than FF?!

You're not alone OP and all I can say is stand your ground. I will be having this out with my H because clearly I'm more pissed off than I realised!

ChunkyPickle Sun 22-Sep-13 18:25:47

OP - you're doing great in a far less than ideal environment.

I don't get the 'left-out' thing - DP couldn't feed DS, but he could play with him, he did all the bathing, plenty of dressing and changes, always had the carrier when we went for a walk etc.

I have so many pictures of the two of them napping next to each other, or slumped together on the settee watching TV, lying on the floor fiddling with toys, carrying the shopping home (OK, that was mainly DP, but DS liked to grab the carrier bags and we pretended) etc. and I BF DS until he was 2.5.

Bonding is nothing to do with feeding, and everything to do with just getting involved.

Gracie990 Sun 22-Sep-13 18:19:07

Can the man not read? Show him the research and tell him to fuck the fuck off.

My guess is he's feeling left ot!

ExBrightonBell Sun 22-Sep-13 18:14:15

I do hope that the OP and the others on this thread with similar husbands do manage to read them the riot act. As tiktok says they are all being utterly pathetic, and Twinnies husband is being emotionally abusive as well. If my DP had said that to me I would have not just told him to fuck off, I'd have told him to go and stay with his parents for a few days whilst I calmed down and he worked on a suitably grovelling and heartfelt apology.

As for the husbands who want to "help" and think the only way to do it is to give formula... well how stupid! There are sooo many ways to help other than giving a bottle - nappy changing, washing clothes, cleaning the house, doing shopping, holding the baby...the list goes on. They just want to do the easy fun activity and none of the hard work.

tiktok Sun 22-Sep-13 17:12:35

Oh please....these are grown men we are discussing sad You know, grown me who can feed themselves and dress themselves and everything. Who understand about the world and can make sense of relationships and behaviour.

And they put their needs to be involved above the normal, natural and entirely appropriate needs of a tiny baby.


PurpleDana Sun 22-Sep-13 17:07:20

My husband said he feels left out & a spare part cos I'm breastfeeding. He talked so much about wanting to do more & help with feeds that I started expressing. I only manage to get enough for 1 feed cos dd feeds every 2hrs, so I asked if he would take the 2am feed. Now he moans that he is tired & I am even busier cos I have to express several times a day! He hates not having all my attention on standby for when he's ready.

leonardofquirm Sun 22-Sep-13 14:48:41

He'd definitely being an idiot. angry

Sounds like you've been doing great!

AmandaCooper Sun 22-Sep-13 11:16:06

OP if you are successfully breastfeeding at eight weeks with three year old twins, a partner who is trying to sabotage it and no peer group to support you, you deserve a medal. Well done!

Sunflower1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 11:06:20

Hello, I'm getting these sorts of comments too. My DH has actually told me to stop bf'ing our ds, saying I'm harming him because he won't get enough food (we're mix feeding as it is). I can't say a word about sore nipples without him going off on one.

I think in his case it's because he's jealous, of the bond between me and our ds.

Sympathies. Stay strong, you're obviously doing the right thing for your lo.

FlatsInDagenham Sun 22-Sep-13 10:58:55

You are not being overly sensitive. You're DH is misinformed.

You can never express as much milk as your baby will take from you - the pump is not even half as efficient as your baby at extracting your milk. If your baby is satisfied after feeds then he is getting enough milk.

However, the more bottles of formula you give, the less milk you will produce yourself and it's very difficult to re-establish your supply once it's been compromised.

You and your DH need to sit down and have an honest conversation about your feelings and intentions regarding feeding your baby. And whilst his thoughts should be listened to, ultimately you will decide (as your baby's primary carer) how to feed him.

If he has any doubts about the effectiveness of breast milk I suggest a chat with your HV might put his mind at rest.

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