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DH wants me to stop BF our 6mo...causing arguements.

(62 Posts)
Peanutbutternutter419 Sat 25-May-13 23:46:48

Firstly just want to say that BF is going well, DS is putting on over a lb a month and a VERY content little boy! But....This has all come to a head tonight and i'm really upset.
Basically it has come out in an arguement tonight that DH feels left out as a parent due to me BFing our LO.
It all started because I have been out tonight and DH has got himself in a tizz as LO woke up and wanted feeding. I had left a few oz of BM in the fridge but apparently DS drank it all and wanted more so i told DH to give him some formula but by this point, DS was all stressed out so i had to come home after 2 an a half hours. DS ended up drinking formula no problem and was snoring peacefully as i walked through the front door 10 mins later typical

However this has really stressed DH out (which i can fully understand!) and has left him feeling like he is not important apparently. I quote "i feel like its just you and him that live here and im just a nobody". He has been saying that its about time i stopped feeding him and we just move onto bottles so that he can feed him as an option.

I just want to clarify that i have always been open to Ds having bottles of BM or formula at any time and often ask DH if he wants to feed him so i can have a break/cuppa tea in peace but he just says that its quicker and easier for me to feed him.

I hae been out twice since Ds was born and so i dont see the point in switching to bottles when DH has him on his own on a one off...but at the same time its killing me to think that he feels so unimportant in his DS' life.

Sorry...such a long one...just wanted to give a little background to the situation.

SirBoobAlot Thu 30-May-13 19:33:55

How are things going, OP?

whatamardarse Tue 28-May-13 22:43:46

I reckon he made an argument out of this because he felt a knob for calling you home, maybe he 'failed' by getting all het up. I wonder that he didn't think this baby lark wasn't as hard/tiring as you made out, he couldn't deal & the truth has hit home a bit. It's always easier to make it your fault than mine! -- I agree .

I have a two week dd and hell would freeze over before I let any one tell me I had to give up bf. I was never that big a fan before having her either ! It's bloody hard work but totally awesome for me and her. Stand ur ground and tell him to grow up .

mathanxiety Mon 27-May-13 21:26:23

Aha and hmm. Betcha he doesn't feel left out of anything when you do the 98% of the dogsbody stuff...

Peanutbutternutter419 Mon 27-May-13 20:20:03

Hello all again, i have just managed to read through all the replies and want to thank you all for you opinions and advice. We have been talking about this all weekend now and DH admitted that he panicked and just disnt know what to do so he just blamed me as ive never had to deal with ds that upset! I said that i wouldnt mind him doing the 10.30 feed as im usually ready for bed then anyway so ill go to bed and he does that feed...well tried that last night and it was a disaster. He gave ds the bottle which he fell asleep on after a couple of oz but when he tried to put ds in bed he kept crying so after 2 times he woke me and said you'll have to feed him cos he wont settle with me. angry

He's just lazy. Doesnt want me to carry on but realises that when it suits him its better and easier! And pp i do realise that if i gave it up, it would be me doing bottles 98% of the time! Like its me that does 98% of the cooking, cleaning, ironing, walking dog, need i say more??...

Pinebarrens Mon 27-May-13 13:22:12

it is possible to drop a feed and use bottles. We do a bottle feed at bedtime for DS, he's 8 mo we have done this since he was 6mo but we do it because its what both DH and i wanted to do. We have another child & i was missing out on her bedtime, she was missing me too. This way we alternate, one night DH feeds the baby & puts him to bed, the next its me. Its good for us all as a family & DH can be confident that should i go out (which i rarely do!) he can deal with the baby.

I have to admit at this age the convenience of bfing (as well as health benefits for both of us) far outweighs stopping altogether, its just so quick & easy now!

i hope you can come to a mutual understanding.

SirBoobAlot Mon 27-May-13 13:09:18

Your H sounds like a pain in the arse.

I wouldn't even start introducing a regular bottle at bed time - just tell him to grow the hell up, stop stamping his feet, and wake up to the fact that there is someone else for the world to go around.

Also think his 'suggestion' of phasing out breastfeeding when weaning is bizarre. The amount of solid food your baby will be taking in at this age is nil.

Remind him that if he doesn't like baby crying and getting worked up, then you breastfeeding is the easiest - and best - way for them to calm down.

Give him the information from the WHO about minimum breastfeeding age recommendations.

Encourage him to do bath time / story time / play time, and also remind him that just because you are responsible for the feeding right now, there another 60+ years of being a parent to come.

motherinferior Mon 27-May-13 11:08:54

What mathanxiety said. My partner got a bit antsy when I continued breastfeeding over a year (he was idiotically convinced it was draining me and that I'd leap back into vigour and health if I stopped, poor deluded foolgrin). But he didn't think breastfeeding was some lovely game he wasn't allowed to play, oddly enough.

amazingface Mon 27-May-13 10:38:37

Oh Dear OP your husband is behaving badly and there isn't really an excuse for it. You went out, your baby was a baby, and DH got a hop because it has never fully occurred to him until now that the baby is a baby who cries and needs stuff. He got a right hop and lashed out because he couldn't fix something that he thought was easy.

Please don't give up breastfeeding, there is just no reason on earth to do that. What would happen if you switched to bottles? If your DS woke up at night would your DH will be bounding up out of bed fresh as a lark and making up bottles, sitting up with the baby while he feeds and then settling him back afterwards? Or actually...would it just be YOU doing that, after all?

Your husband is being a brat and he'll be a lot sorrier if you do give up breastfeeding, I bet you anything. Tell him to man up and take over bathtime. And to give DS a bottle of carton formula or some solids next time he runs out of expressed milk.

bordellosboheme Mon 27-May-13 08:05:44

I'm still breast feeding at 18 months. Dp is very supportive. 6 months is very young to stop. It's your choice but I wouldn't let him pressure you

mathanxiety Mon 27-May-13 01:24:11

The way you report he talks about it, this is some sort of entertainment you and the baby share together that he is excluded from.

Did he make this sort of fuss when he got to sleep all night while you bfed the baby in the early weeks?

mathanxiety Mon 27-May-13 01:20:54

He is not mature enough to realise that when a baby cries it is not meant as a personal rejection of the adult in the room with him at the time. My guess is he thought the baby was telling him he didn't want dad and nothing but mum would do, and H felt jealous and frustrated and an outsider.

Babies cry. They cry because the sky is blue or because it is raining or because maybe they don't yet have words to use to tell us what they want. It's not meant as a personal rejection of the adult. If this is how he feels then he can't be spending much time around the baby, and he is way too touchy about perceived rejection and about the mother and child relationship.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying breastfeeding. Would he whine if you were to admit you love cooking or cleaning the loo or doing his laundry for him?

If you are happy to breastfeed and the baby is thriving then H is the one who needs to start looking at things differently.

This is a problem on his part and it needs to be sorted out.

BetsyBell Sun 26-May-13 21:47:46

It sounds like your baby is at (or almost at) weaning age - could you give him a copy of Annabel Karmel (or whatever) and let DH get involved in making purees for DS?

Also, FFS - this is such a short period in the grand scheme of things, DH should not be making you feel guilty about being the more important parent at this point.

SizzleSazz Sun 26-May-13 21:47:03

Might pre-made formula cartons help? Much more instant than faffing with water and powder.

I wouldn't give up BF though

CreatureRetorts Sun 26-May-13 21:40:39

How will stopping BF help? He wants you to deal with a hungry baby and have to make formula is that it?!

I would challenge him to do bedtimes etc a bit more if he wants to be more hands on.

MultipleMama Sun 26-May-13 21:34:20

I was just making a point as others can see it as selfish. I don't pander him; I want him involved and he likes being involved. He's not hard work just involved which is better than being distant. I have his support despite the discussions we had.

noble The kangaroo care and bottle was just a suggestion; mums who can't breast feed do it and I'm sure some bf mums do too.

Like I said; if she wants to breast feed then do; don't stop because he doesn't like it, I was merely offering some suggestions.

Startail Sun 26-May-13 21:14:12

confused I don't know what to say, I feed DD2 for years and DH was nothing, but supportive. Surely DH can give your DC a hug, a pot of yoghurt, a toy, put in a DVD, a cup of juice (ok yoghurt and juice may be 7 rather than 6 months), but honestly he's being a twit.

girliefriend Sun 26-May-13 21:09:16

Could your dh do a class or something with your ds? Like baby swimming? It sounds like he is feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and it might help with the bonding maybe.

It goes without saying that you need to bf for as long as you want, if you stop any sooner because of him you will resent him for it for a very long time.

In his defence though I do think the first 6 months can be hard for dads as their role really is about supporting you to look after your son. Sometimes this can make them feel left out and a bit of a spare part.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 26-May-13 21:07:15

multiplemama your DH sounds like incredibly hard work too.

And "breast feeing can be seen as selfish too". Seriously?

You're stressing about keeping twins fed and then having to express like a maniac to make sure DH gets his "turn" too?

I am honestly astounded there are women out there who think ths is ok and actually pander to it.

motherinferior Sun 26-May-13 21:00:15

It's not about him.

leedy Sun 26-May-13 20:59:30

It strikes me as a "I had to endure a cranky baby waiting for a bottle, so I want you to have to endure that for every feed instead of easily giving the boob because otherwise it's not faaaaaaaaair" argument. Gah.

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes Sun 26-May-13 20:44:49

Lots of good points here (maybe you should show DH the thread?!). Just wanted to add that my DH used to feel left out at times when DS was small - never urged me to stop bf though. He had a few horrible stressful evenings when I attempted a night out and DS screamed the whole time etc. However those first few months are such a tiny proportion of your child's life. DS is now almost 4 and he's ALL about daddy. Now I have 6mo DD who's very clingy with me (EBF and cosleeping), won't settle for DH etc, but we're not worried because we both know how much things will change as she grows and develops!

ouryve Sun 26-May-13 20:43:52

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up. (Based on first post - not read on).

noblegiraffe Sun 26-May-13 20:39:54

when you could have easily fed them by bottle while doing kangaroo care

This has to be one of the strangest things I have read. Selfish to breastfeed when you could have artificially mimicked breastfeeding instead? How odd, and what an utter faff if you're happy with the real deal.

MultipleMama Sun 26-May-13 20:20:10

Can I just not that breast feeding can be seen as selfish too, as you can bottle fed expressed milk to a baby - so the baby is not missing out on nutrients etc. It doesn't need to be formula.

And I can admit that I was. "you're was selfish to breastfed because of the bonding when you could have easily fed them by bottle while doing kangaroo care" Was one of DH's points during our argument.

Just saying; as lots of posts seem to be saying that baby doesn't get nutrients by bottle. Just to put it out there...

MultipleMama Sun 26-May-13 20:12:11

I exclusively breastfed for 7 months (dts are now 8mo) so DH couldn't even bottle feed them as we didn't use bottles or dummy.

So instead DH had kangaroo care with them just before I breast fed. Still does it now after bath time and gives them their learner bottles.

We also did/do it together on a night (where I bf without bottles). He would sit behind me, and stroke dts' heads while I fed them then he would put them down - I also made sure it was a intimate setting i.e quiet and calm.

I think it's great that he's open enough to tell you - maybe when you've asked him, he said no because he felt like he was imposing and felt awkward and maybe he brought up now because he was in a tizzy. Just a theory.

I don't think you should give up breast feeding if it's something you want to do plus it benefits you both. However I don't think you should dismiss him, it's not selfish of him to ask - everyone is selfish at some point. Have you sat and talked about it? Maybe you could come up with a routine near feeding time.

DH and I hate a lot of conversations but communication is the key. Good luck! I hope you sort it out smile xxx

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