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Any tandem-ers out there? My toddler is fucking miserable!

(27 Posts)
BedHanger Mon 13-May-13 07:58:57

Just need a bit of moral support, please. I'm tandem feeding DS1 (2.6) and DS2 (10 weeks).

DS1 has gone from asking for a feed maybe 1/2 times a day (we were down to mostly bedtime only) to asking constantly, and I mean 20-30 times a day. Put the baby in his chair, mummy. Give X to daddy. Want some booby. On and on, from the moment he wakes up and tries to climb on his brother's head to get to me (we co-sleep with DS2, DS1 has his own bed in room connected to ours so comes straight in when he wakes up).

When I'm changing DS2's nappy, he tries to climb on me and wails when I won't let him. He's tantrumming horribly several times a day, both about 'lack' of bf'ing but also about unconnected things. He's been poorly recently which also hasn't helped. However much I do feed him, it's never enough. I think he just wants us to send his baby brother back sad.

Tell me it gets better!

poocatcherchampion Mon 13-May-13 08:06:29

it sounds hard! sending hugs (and revising my rose tinted expectations of tandeming)

hopefully someone with experience will show up shortly..

Featherbag Mon 13-May-13 08:15:56

Sounds like if it wasn't bf-ing it would be something else being tantrummed about. Could you try making your bedtime bf 'special' time for the 2 of you? Have daddy take the baby to another room, cuddle up in DS's bed?

BedHanger Mon 13-May-13 08:16:59

When are you due, poo?

Oodsigma Mon 13-May-13 08:32:55

Dd3 was like that when ds (9weeks) was born. I fed her as often as possible for a few weeks then started cutting down. Ds and I have just come out of hospital after 2 weeks in which has set her off again. Trying to stick to mornings & bedtimes though.

Oodsigma Mon 13-May-13 08:35:13

Forgot to say dd3 (2.7)started tantrumming over other things at the same time. It's hard for them to adjust and subsequent babies need to fit around the toddler a bit

EauRouge Mon 13-May-13 09:19:34

It gets better! It's hard for a toddler to settle in to having a new baby around. I know it's difficult with a tiny baby, but can you get any one-to-one time with DS1? Maybe something snuggly like a bath together or a snuggle in bed in the mornings while your DH sorts out DS2?

My DD1 went back to pretty much exclusive breastfeeding for a good couple of weeks when DD2 was born. It was exhausting but we got through it and I'm glad I kept it up.

So it does get better but you have to play it by ear and see how it goes for you. You might carry on, you might decide tandem nursing isn't working out. Either decision is the right one if it's the right one for you.

BedHanger Mon 13-May-13 09:20:28

The constant whining, whinging, moaning and tantrumming is so draining sad. And don't get me started on the guilt!

EauRouge Mon 13-May-13 09:52:32

Ah, the guilt grin That gets better too! It's horrible isn't it, no matter which child you are spending time with you feel bad about the other one getting left out. It won't always be like that though- promise!

BedHanger Mon 13-May-13 10:11:33

Gah, I hope so! At the moment we both feel like I ruined his life! <dramatic>.

BedHanger Mon 13-May-13 10:15:47

Eau, DS1 has really cut back on the amount he's eating and I think would like to go back to ebf confused.

Luckily DH is around during the day a lot of the time so he has been slinging DS2 while I take DS1 to toddler groups/have cuddles etc.

But...DS1's need for me feels boundless at the moment. He wants me all to himself!!

EauRouge Mon 13-May-13 11:28:37

Yeah, my DD1 did that too. He's prob just feeling very insecure at the moment. Everyone will slot into their new role soon enough, it's hard when you don't know exactly when it will end. You'll get through it together smile I actually felt like the tandem feeding really helped to ease the transition. Do you feed them both at the same time or do you tend to do it separately?

BedHanger Mon 13-May-13 12:52:02

Ha, both! I really dislike feeding them simultaneously for some reason, but I am of the anything-for-a-peaceful-life school of parenting...

EauRouge Mon 13-May-13 14:10:27

Sometimes it's the only way you can hear the TV grin

BedHanger Tue 14-May-13 21:03:01

Ah, another shitty day sad.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Tue 14-May-13 21:07:05

Hope things get better for you all soon.

poocatcherchampion Tue 14-May-13 21:07:13

oh no! I've heard too that it is generally a hardd time for the toddler so it might not be the bf although I guess it would be easier if songs were the solution rather than sitting down with your boob in her mouth!

I'm due in Sept - dd will be 18 months

Gilberte Tue 14-May-13 21:12:30

Yes my 3 year old went back to feeding like a newborn when DD2 was born. Her appetite went as a result and poo was almost newborn like for a while (in colour anyway).

Her moods really deteriorated and she spent the first year wanting to kill her sister. It was a difficult time. First year was the hardest though.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Three-Shoes-One-Sock-Hairbrush/dp/0304354295

Gilberte Tue 14-May-13 21:13:32

www.amazon.co.uk/Three-Shoes-One-Sock-Hairbrush/dp/0304354295

Sorry meant to say. If you have time (which you probably don't at the moment), this is a good read about the shock that hits you when you have two children. It will get better!

I tandemed until DD was 4.6yrs and DS was 2. No real probs except would have been good if they both, but especially DD, had been better at sleeping through - both were really late at doing that ! As in not weeks, not months, but years grin

In the early weeks, which you're still in I'd say, DD had a trick of poking baby DS in the eye - I think she found it got the most and quickest attention ! So difficult to know how to respond for the best, but fortunately it was only occasionally over the course of a few weeks.

They are good friends now (aged 14 and 11)

This too shall pass, as they say smile

BedHanger Tue 14-May-13 21:35:56

Just the first year, eh, Gilberte? <tired sigh>

DS1 woke at 5.30 this morning and started screaming because I wouldn't feed him immediately (because he'd woken us all up, including DS2 and I needed to feed him first. Various tantrums throughout the day, including one every time I tried to change DS2's nappy and would pick him up. Two hours of crying trying have a poo (longstanding tummy issues sad).

Ended up sitting on the floor with one stacked on the other, getting a sore back trying to feed two sobbing babies simultaneously. Rounded off the day with another huge tantrum in bed and me snapping at him. Christ knows what the neighbours think is going on with all the wailing. They're too polite to ever say anything, but I have a horrible feeling they can hear quite a lot sad.

Thanks for all the kind words, it really helps.

EauRouge Tue 14-May-13 21:45:24

Every parent that has ever had two children has gone through a similar phase. It's bloody hard when everything shifts and everyone has new roles. Things will settle down, you'll figure out what works for your family. It takes time. Be kind to yourself!

Gilberte Tue 14-May-13 21:48:42

Sorry! I know a year sounds a long time but it will go faster than you think (or have I just blocked it out of my brain). It is horrible though so I sympathise. I live in a tiny house and the noise when two of them were screaming at the same time was unbearable. I'd frequently end up sobbing too. I truly thought I was going mad. When I just had one DC I seem to have the patience of a saint. With two I was snappy, irritable, wailing at times...

What saved me was DD1 going to nursery twice a week. I don't know if that's a possibility for you or whether you'll consider that when DS is 3 and gets his free provision. Do you have any family who can take him out and spoil him whilst you get a break ( I know it's not exactly a break but one always seems easy once you have two)

Do take up any opportunities to get some 1:1 time with DS1 (when DS2 is sleeping) or when you have another pair of hands around. Having some special time may help with some of the tantrum/jealousy issues.

BedHanger Tue 14-May-13 21:55:43

His name is down for September!

EauRouge - I'm assuming that Cadbury's Fruit and Nut counts as taking care of myself? If so yes, I am grin.

EauRouge Wed 15-May-13 08:14:28

Well, it counts as one of your five a day and it has protein and carbs. Practically a complete meal.

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