Advanced search

help want to give up/cut down, DH not supportive

(21 Posts)
wellieboots Mon 06-May-13 08:03:48

DD is 6 months on Thursday and ebf apart from being on solids twice a day. I've never really managed to express so I don't even know if she would take a bottle if offered. I was keen to bf but had warned DH that it isn't always possible (my DM bf my brother but not me) and he was fine with that. I am glad that I have been able to bf but I am now feeling trapped by it. I have toyed with switching to mix feeding on and off for months but DH has always talked me out of it.

The thing is, noone looks after DD other than me and DH, so it's not as though I would get much of a break even if she was ff. So is it worth the hassle of trying to talk him into it?

I just feel so trapped, DH can't give me a night off, he is so bloody determined I must get the hang of expressing, I had an exam a couple of weeks ago and DD went almost 5 hours without a feed although he had formula to put in her sippy cup if needed.

So, any tips on where to start, either in practical terms or in terms of dealing with DH and talking him round. Today I am sitting here with the flu, DD is feeding constantly and I am exhausted. My boobs are scratched and sore from her scratching and grabbing and im sick of it,!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 06-May-13 08:10:05


You have done amazingly well to bf for six months, especially without expressing.

It's your body and it's up to you, you don't need to "persuade" him. Pick a feed to substitute for formula (mid morning, maybe?) and start from there.

Why a sippy cup not a bottle, by the way?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 06-May-13 08:12:41

Ah, I see you've not tried a bottle - but you have some, yes? Would your mum or a friend give her the feed whilst you leave the room?

If you ebf when you don't really want to, you'll end up resenting it instead of loving it sad

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 06-May-13 08:21:43

Oh bless you.

I'll pass on my gp's advice.

' Yes we do advocate breast feeding but formula is not poison.

Better a ff baby with a happy mother than a bf baby with a miserable one'

This was said to me as I was sobbing about bf (pnd)

Your dh should be supportive In the end I bought the formula and everything but then chose to ebf.

But I just felt so much better knowing it was MY choice and dh would support me either way.

bakingaddict Mon 06-May-13 08:24:05

I think you need to sit your DH down and explain why this situation isn't working for you and say you are switching to FF or whatever. Tell him calmly what you are doing but make it known that this is non-negoitable Is he so controlling of you in other areas of your life

While it is fine he has an interest and voices his opinion on the baby's feeding, it is not on to impose his will and dictate to you how your DC is fed. Ultimately it's your body and the decision to stop BF is down to you alone

wellieboots Mon 06-May-13 08:27:17

Only because she's never been offered a bottle, we were sure she would need a feed during the exam and she already takes the sippy cup for a little bit of water with her solids so we thought that was easier than trying to introduce two new things at the same time. No, noone else can help, am a long way from DM and PILs who live 10 mins away don't want to know us.

wellieboots Mon 06-May-13 08:32:29

thanks lookingforward, hope you are better now. I have pnd too, and I do want to keep feeding because it's one of the only things I'm confident aboutshock I just would like a bit of a break sometimeswink

wellieboots Mon 06-May-13 08:40:05

Thanks bakingaddict no, he's not controlling, just has very strong ideas on certain things. I knew he was keen on bfing DD, well, on me doing it, before she was born. that's why I talked to him beforehand about people like my DM who aren't always able to bf, as I didn't intend to kill myself over it. He was on side, but now that bf has worked for us (which I am glad about and do enjoy) he won't discuss cutting down or stopping until DD self weans, whenever that may bewine

wellieboots Mon 06-May-13 08:51:59

ps I have already planted the seeds for DC2s arrival (not likely to be for a couple of years) that I may not want to bf beyond a few weeks, just because it takes so much time and must be really hard when you have more than one to entertain! I thought if I get him used to the idea now, he might deal with it better next time!grin

noblegiraffe Mon 06-May-13 10:11:04

Your DH can express his opinion but it is entirely your decision. It's not his body that is being scratched or his freedom that is being restricted.

You say you can't get the hang of expressing like it's your fault and something you need to work at and get better at. The truth is that some women simply can't express milk, either at all, or in enough quantities to be useful. Some women who can express early on find that they lose the ability later on as their supply settles down. I bfed for 17 months and never managed to express. So tell that to your DH who is determined that you express - that route is simply closed and not happening.

If you want a night off, give formula. It doesn't have to be a regular thing, but if you do want it to be a regular thing, go ahead and do it. It's your body and your choice.

MavisG Mon 06-May-13 10:20:06

Yeah, give formula when you need a night off & then carry on as normal. Your body, your choice: your dh's role is to support you in that choice, whatever it is.
PS bf #2 is easier than ff IMO - less faff, more time for pfb. And your second may feed more efficiently than your first. But again, your choice.

HappyAsASandboy Mon 06-May-13 11:32:35

To be honest, I wouldn't try and convince him. I would just start giving formula in a sippy cup or bottle sometimes instead of Breastfeeding. It is your body that has to do the feeding/expressing, and if you don't want to do it, don't. You have done it for 6 months, and it really is not worth making yourself miserable and resentful about it.

If you want to present it to your husband another way, you could talk about formula as just another food. Your baby is no longer ebf as s/he is also eating solids, so formula, cows milk etc are just other foods now. Cows milk is not good enough as a main drink for another 6 months, but formula and breastmilk are.

I say all of that as a a great believer in breastfeeding. I am a Breastfeeding peer supporter, and I am still feeding my twins at two and a half years. But I am doing it because I want to, not because someone has told me I should. Breastfeeding is a choice, and you are allowed to make a different choice whenever you wish.

rootypig Mon 06-May-13 20:02:50

I agree with other posters - it's your body and I am slightly shock at your DH's attitude. 'Strong opinions' are fine but not supporting your decision, whatever it may be, betrays a lack of respect for your body and personhood, imo.

That aside, have you considered expressing? DD had a bottle of EBM nightly from 3 months, so that I could leave her with DH to go for a swim / have some time to myself, and it worked well. I had a medela swing and found it relatively straightforward. They cost about £100 new I think and if you are planning to BF DD until she self weans, sounds like it would be a good investment!

rootypig Mon 06-May-13 20:05:10

Oh sorry have just reread your post more carefully blush

Ignore me.

We are mix feeding and it's fine, the odd bottle is easy peasy, just put a stash of those little cartons in cupboard and use as and when grin. If it helps, we don't sterilise DD's bottles, she is the same age as your DC, we wash them very thoroughly and she has always been fine.

BrianButterfield Mon 06-May-13 20:08:58

Of course, she might refuse formula - my ds wouldn't entertain it until 10 months when nursery cracked it with him. But at 6 months you can, in a pinch, give yogurt etc which will help to make up for bfing.

Startail Mon 06-May-13 20:14:23

I've said it before, sippy cup diluted juice and yoghurt make a perfectly good substitute for Breastmilk for bottle refusing, formula refusing DCs of mum's who can't express.

Leave DH with the above and go out and recharge your batteries.

Of course you may find that your DD isn't as bloody minded as DD2 and happily drinks the odd bottle of formula if you can get DH to see that, if you are going to continue BFing, you need a break sometimes.

wellieboots Tue 07-May-13 09:30:30

Thanks all smile I think part of the problem is that I'm not sure what I want! I do find bfing easy when I need to be out and about, and I love the cuddles, I don't think I want to stop entirely, I'm just finding it so all consuming, my boobs get squeezed and scratched and I haven't let DH near them since she was born! I have good days and bad days and it would just be nice to have a break sometimes!

littleducks Tue 07-May-13 09:38:11

I never expressed I didn't like it at all.

I wonder if it might be easier to continue to wean her, cutting down bfeeds and increasing her solids? You could up to three meals a day with water in a sippy cup.

wellieboots Tue 07-May-13 10:06:46

Thanks, I thought that even on 3 solid meals I shouldn't be reducing bfs until about 9 months?

MavisG Tue 07-May-13 10:24:31

I wouldn't reduce bfs without replacing with f, except on an occasional basis.

curryeater Tue 07-May-13 10:39:46

Firstly, your DH doesn't get to decide what you do with your body.

If your dd is taking to food and water well, you can consolidate (not necessarily reduce) feeds soon. Both my dcs went to bfing twice a day only at around 9 months. They fed a long time though at those feeds.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: