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How much should dh's views count here?

(12 Posts)
tory79 Mon 01-Apr-13 15:38:43

DS is 18m and still bf. He feeds usually 3 times a day - when he wakes, before his nap and before bed. He rarely fusses to be fed, and indeed will happily miss either of the first 2 feeds eg some mornings dh just gets him with him and gives him breakfast and I don't feed him until nap time, and sometimes if he has fallen asleep in car or pushchair he just goes straight in to his cot for his nap without a feed. (In fact today dh got up with him AND he fell asleep in the car, so I have not fed him today at all yet!)

So really, it doesn't impact on our lives particularly. Its not like he has to be fed, he eats well and manages quite happily without it. I haven't not fed him at bedtime yet, but last night for the first time I fed him before his bath, rather than straight before he goes in to his cot, and dh did the rest of bedtime and got him to sleep with not too much trouble. So ds isn't reliant on it either.

DH is making more and more noise about when I am going to stop feeding ds altogether. His one and only reason for this is because he thinks its weird to feed older babies. He knows about the WHO guidelines etc, but he still doesn't like it (despite the fact he never even watches me feed ds and as I say, it doesn't get in the way of anything either)

I personally would like to carry on until ds is at least 2, and see how we go from there. But I also realise that (health benefits aside) this is probably more for me than for ds as I think he would probably be ok about stopping.

I feel that I should however, be respectful (for want of a better word) of dh's views as well. It basically comes down to he wants me to stop and I don't want to stop.

What do I do?!

HorryIsUpduffed Mon 01-Apr-13 15:46:52

It sounds like he feels a bit silly about his "reasons" tbh. DS is very little still.

Assuming he knows about WHO recommendations and worldwide weaning averages, do you think he envies the special relationship bf gives you and DS? Perhaps you could play up the Special Father-Son things that they have together, and keep bf as just one of the many things you do for DS that just happens to be impossible for anyone else.

Or perhaps ask him to consider the practicalities of enforced parent-led weaning. How precisely would he like you to stop? I recommend sending you away on holiday for at least a fortnight, preferably somewhere hot with lots of cocktails, while he parents alone. grin

EauRouge Mon 01-Apr-13 17:57:20

It's not a popular opinion probably but it's between you and DS- your DH shouldn't tell you what to do with your body one way or the other. Breastfeeding isn't harming your DS, on the contrary it is still very good for him (and for you!). I think you are underestimating how much he gets out of it, most children will not wean through their own choice until they are well over the age of two- it's not mostly about you at all!

Would your DH be open to reading more about natural term feeding? Maybe point him in the direction of Kathy Dettwyler's research. You could also point him towards the recent research about breastfeeding reducing the mother's risk of ovarian cancer.

If he's not open to learning more about it then I don't think there's much you can do- would going to a breastfeeding group help you to feel more supported?

tory79 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:47:15

Thanks both.

EauRouge no he is not open to the idea of natural term breastfeeding in any way shape or form. I think he really just can't get past it being 'weird'. He has no other reason, although he tried to say wouldn't I like it if I had more freedom etc (no is the answer to that smile)

Really I just wish I could find a way to persuade him otherwise, but I don't think that is going to happen!

EauRouge Wed 03-Apr-13 15:38:13

That's too bad sad Would he not even look at the WHO guidelines?

Maybe something like "if you're not willing to discuss it in depth then I'd rather not talk about it" every time he brings it up? Because him thinking it is 'weird' is no good reason at all and not much of an argument TBH. What does 'weird' even mean?

BertieBotts Wed 03-Apr-13 15:41:21

My thoughts on this is that he just has to get over it really, although I appreciate it is unusual in our culture and he can't help the way he feels, you're not doing anything wrong or damaging and it is your body.

Welovegrapes Wed 03-Apr-13 15:53:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatAndKit Wed 03-Apr-13 16:17:31

It isn't just for you. If your son didn't want to breastfeed any more then he wouldn't do it. You can't force a child to nurse! I agree with the others, if he can't have a proper discussion about it then ignore. Probably by "weird" he means that most other people don't do it. That may be true in our society but it doesn't make your choices wrong. You should be respectful of his views but that is hard if he is not able to elaborate on what his view actually is. Also respecting views does not mean you have to do what he says. You are the one with the breasts at the end of the day.

mamij Wed 03-Apr-13 16:22:07

Funnily, my DH is also asking me a similar thing. Mentioned it twice in the last week.

DD2 is 17months and feeds for lunch time nap, evening sleep and morning wake up. I've told DH to do the bedtime and nap times if he wants us to stop - that shut him up pretty quickly. Although I'm sure he's going to mention it again soon!

feekerry Wed 03-Apr-13 20:41:02

same as above. dd is 12m and my dp has said it a few times and so far i have said thats fine and we will start with night weaning first which means he will have to do all night wakings for at least a month and will need to rock or walk to sleep......he soon shuts up

DW123 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:58:41

DH also pretty anti until I read out night weaning plans (all focused on him). He also saw DT2 vomit after crying hysterically for 30 minutes when DH tried to get him to sleep rather than bf (DH holding all the time btw). He hasn't mentioned it for ages.

Can you avoid the subject for a bit and just see if he gets more used to it? As you say, it really isn't making an impact on your lives.

And - its not about you. As other posters have said - its great for however long you both wish to continue.

Startail Wed 03-Apr-13 23:20:47

Dear Mr Tory79, it's not weirded to feed an older child, I know several very ordinary totally non lentil weaving women including an accountant, a biologist and a doctor who have BF their babies to at least 3.5 and some to 5 years old and beyond.

Having myself BF DD2 until well after she started school I can assure you it's just natural and feels right. BF doesn't feel sexy, its not something to be jealous of.

If your wife and DC want to cary on you should support them. You don't have to tell the neighbours or your mother wink so you don't need to be embarrassed.

Oh and extended BFing certainly doesn't make the child any more 'babyish' DD2 was far more social mature and far more grown up in her attitude to life than DD1who gave up BFing at 5 months.

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