I have 4 children. When I found out I was pregnant the fourth time I thought it would be my chance to finally have the birth I wanted with skin to skin and I planned to BF for as long as the baby wanted. Probably for around 18 months I thought.
My first 3 births had all been traumatic on one way or another for example SD or CS. I mixed fed them all for about 4 months.
Anyway this time around it all went wrong at the start. I went into labour at 35 weeks and wasn't too concerned. When he was born though they took him away straight away and cleaned and wrapped him and gave him to the paed who said he was grunting and had low blood sugar. He was taken to nnu and given formula. So no skin to skin or cuddles. When I did get to see him he had drips in and antibiotics and was under light for jaundices. For the next 2 weeks he stayed under lights and was tube fed from EBM as he refused to suck. Because of the jaundice I never for the chance to really hold him and get him to try and latch on as he had to go back under after 5 mins or so. To add to it all I was being monitored for high bp and pretty stressed about my other 3 at home. I had planned a 6 hour discharge.
Anyway when discharged I was managing to BF on demand. To cut a long story short though I struggled being at home with a baby an preschooler and having to do do the school run. DH works long hours and I was usually alone until 9pm ish. Friends kept telling me to stop BF and I ended up introducing formula. When school hol arrived and I was at home with all 4 I just seemed to end up giving more bottles. I can't really explain why in retrospect. I guess at the time it seemed i easier to give a bottle and know he had taken it then I could put him down and give the others some time. Or if my mum was here she could give the bottle and I would give the 3 year old some time or take the older 2 out.
By 4 months old I was only feeding for about 5 mins in a morning and soon ended up stopping. I was back at work at 6 months but had hoped to continue evening and morning.
He is now a very happy and healthy 11 month old and I know this is bothering me more than him. A thread tonight asking how long everyone fed for prompted me posting. I was just in floods of tears about all of you out there who are still BF at this stage and much older. I feel sad and guilty and really gutted that I am missing out on that closeness. It is my fault. There was no reason to introduce bottles but now I look back and it seems such a blur. I can't really be sure why I did any of it.
Thanks for reading. I know there are many worse things and its been cathartic writing this. I am assuming that this will pass and that I will not feel like this in 5 years but right now I can't bear to go to any baby groups or be with BF mothers as it feels so raw and I wish I could turn back the clock.
fWIW despite the above I have bonded well and had no PND issues.
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Infant feeding
I feel so sad to have failed at BF- please help me to move on
Moonsquirters · 31/03/2013 22:09
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