Toddler tantrums over milk and other isshoos!

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

Sorry this is long! Every morning I get woken up by DS (22 months) screaming "milk!!!" He knows how to say please but only ever does so if asked. If I don't give it to him immediately (its too early, I need to go to the toilet first or I'm feeding DD) he wails and screams for it until he gets it - it honestly sounds like he's in agony or something, I dread to think what the neighbours must think I'm doing to him. His noise wakes everybody up and puts me in such a bad mood I feel like my breasts are recoiling into my body and I really don't want to feed him.

I know having a new baby sister is most probably very difficult for him especially as he has to share the milk as well as my affections but this has been going on for longer than we've had her. I'm not sure how to handle it.

The other problem is his latch has changed and he now leaves great big marks on my areola from his teeth. I presume its because my breasts have changed shape but it gets really sore and we keep falling out because often when I ask him to let go so we can re-latch he often refuses and sometimes bites down to stop me taking him off. I then get really cross and just want to stop.

He's always been a really fidgety feeder and often kicks his legs, pulls my hair, tries to put his finger in my ear, pokes my face, gropes me etc and I find myself telling him to keep still constantly. I don't want to wean him until he's ready (and if I did it now I honestly don't think the screaming, wailing and whinging would ever stop) but it's getting to the point where I'm feeling so cross and resentful and agitated when I feed him sometimes, I think it would be fairer on him and our relationship to stop.

Basically I need to know how to handle the situation so that he understands that I'm not saying no not ever I'm just saying not right now..and that him screeching makes it less likely that he'll get what he's after and not more. I know this is difficult for a toddler, perhaps even impossible but I honestly can't listen to these epic tantrums over milk much longer without quitting cold turkey (which I really don't want to do and I know he's definitely not ready) or going insane from the noise.

So if anyone has any tips on how to handle these problems I would really appreciate it. (although I'm really not looking for weaning advice just yet) - should I just accept this is how it is and try and ignore it and feed him with earplugs in despite all the noise wherever possible? At the moment I wait until he's stopped whilst trying to offer cuddles and reassurance (which is difficult with him shouting in my ear which makes me cross/him fighting me)

I just don't know what to do.

Often when he has milk we reconnect and it's lovely and I remember why I'm still doing it, but when he screams at me for it/hurts me I find myself wondering why we're still doing it if that makes sense.

I also don't think it's fair on DD that often when she feeds she has to listen to DS wailing - I have managed to wean him back (mostly successfully) to his 3 feeds a day rather than about 20 when she was first born and he is now mostly fine with me feeding her in between these times. Fortunately he never asks when we're out but I can't get out of the house before I wake up to prevent the morning tantrum!

Please help - I really just want to find a way to continue breastfeeding without all the drama!

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

Anyone?

[LaCiccolina]

Er my first thought is stop bfing him? Sorry I'm sure extremely unhelpful if u feel its right but it sounds horrible. Ur making my breasts curl at the thought of this situation too. I got to 16mths. So I'm a bit seasoned. I don't mean to make light. At least he could then either have a bottle or not at same time? Can u put a gate on his door so he could play in room on own? It probably is just the situation just settling down. As u say. Hope someone else is along for u soon. Sending love if not useful advice.... :(

[EauRouge]

Aw, poor you and DS :( It sounds tough. How old is your DD?

It's common for older siblings to go though this kind of thing and that fact that you are still BF him will make things easier on both of you (I know it doesn't seem that way!).

If you are consistent in saying things like "I'll just go to the loo, then you can have milk" (not always easy if you get distracted, I know) then he will pick it up. Like anything with a toddler, it takes time.

If you can get any one-to-one time with him then that might help him feel secure. Again, I know it's not easy with a new baby but perhaps if your DP took your DD for a walk around the block or something and then your and your DS could have a cuddle or a bath. He's probably unsure of where he stands at the moment and a bit of reassurance might chill him out a bit.

If his latch is crappy don't be worried about re-latching him and reminding him to be gentle. He should be able to pick it up at this age.

Patience and lots of cuddles are needed, not easy with a new baby around so call on all the support you can. Good luck x

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

Thank you both for replying. Yes my first thought might be to wean him if he were anyone else, or I were for that matter but we're both stubborn as mules and I know in my heart its not time yet if that makes sense? He wouldn't even know what to do with a bottle and a cup of milk just won't do (plus chances are if I can't breastfeed him I can't get up to get him a cup right away either)

He's not in his own room yet, we only got him in the cot a few months ago and don't want to move him to his own room just yet in case he feels that DD has pushed him out. There's no way he'd play quietly if he wanted milk, it seems to be all he can think about at the time despite being offered water, food or a cuddle instead unfortunately!

DD is just 6 weeks so early days, I expected some disruption obviously but this isn't a new problem, just more difficult when coupled with the other things going on right now!

I have been consistent with saying "after this" or "I'm just going to... And then" and making sure I follow through. He's starting to say " DD's milk" in between feeds so he understands that, perhaps I just need to be patient and wait for this to get through as well! I think I am guilty of saying "in a minute" quite a bit and then getting distracted so perhaps I'll start using the kitchen timer or something. I wondered if a sleep training clock might work for the early morning, has anyone had success with something like that?

I think you're right about the one-on-one time, DH has looked after DD while DS and I do some playing/baking etc but I've been nervous about being away from her for too long in case she wants feeding, she does tend to sleep in the sling so perhaps I could do that.

Thank you for your support, will persevere!

[EauRouge]

Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing all the right things- it will get better! :) You wouldn't be the first mother to struggle a bit in the early days with a tiny baby and a toddler and if you ever feel guilty that you're not spending enough time with one or the other- that's pretty normal You'll figure it out in the end, everyone will slot into their new roles. It just takes a bit of time.

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

Well now I feel terrible! Awful night DS had a temperature and very upset, turns out he's got a throat infection, has only had milk and a bit of ice cream all day. I think his silent reflux is playing up because of the medicine and he's been really frightened with all the shivering etc, I feel so bad moaning about him yesterday now.

Thanks so much for your words of support - I do feel guilty about not being able to split myself 2 ways all the time but I'm starting to get used to juggling a bit!

[Snusmumriken]

You sound like a lovely mother. I hope you DS feels better soon.

[Snusmumriken]

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