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Feel totally undermined about bfing

(16 Posts)
monkeypuzzeltree Wed 10-Oct-12 13:21:07

Baby now 14 weeks, at last weigh had only gained 8 ounces in 4 weeks but hv wasn't overly concerned as he's still in the 50th centile. He feeds every 2 hours, is happy although v clingy to me.
Anyway, mil comes to visit this morning, I had to go out for an hour, to the dentist. She then gave him 4oz of formula because he was crying, then took him for a walk and he settled. I don't mind that she topped him up, I fed him before I went but it was a bit rushed.

When she came back she announced she felt he had lost weight since she saw him5 days ago, that all her children had been chubbier and that the reason I'm having to feed him so often is because he's not getting enough and I should be topping him up.

I really don't think I'm starving him just for the sake of bfing. Thought that it's more that he's not good at self settling, or being held by others.

My confidence was only just building feel totally lost now and dh is working away for the rest of the week. I'm sure she feels she is helping but I feel so upset.

Am I kidding myself that this is working, thanks for reading my rant!

Pascha Wed 10-Oct-12 13:33:29

Well, first of all there wouldn't be centile charts if all children were destined to be the same size and shape at the same point in their life. I would bet that all her children were on a higher centile than your son is, both of which are quite normal.

Second, babies go through periods of weight gain and levelling off, they grow in height which makes them look skinnier, then they put weight on which makes them look chubby. It doesn't happen smoothly, its all or nothing sometimes.

Third, you know yourself that if he is happy, well, hasn't dropped 2 centiles or more and has plenty of wet/dirty nappies then he is fine and thriving. The HV isn't concerned so unless he starts showing signs of illness/distress I wouldn't worry at all.

Tell your MIL that health professionals think he is doing fine and he is happy so she shouldn't be concerned.

tiktok Wed 10-Oct-12 13:54:19

Agree with Pascha - this sounds an unkind thing to say, to be honest.

How could she possibly tell unless she has super-sensitive sensitivity smile that he has lost weight in 5 days! Preposterous.

2 hourly feeding is absolutely normal. If he's 50th centile he is heavier than 50 per cent of babies and lighter than the other 50 per cent of babies - maybe MIL's babies were heavier than most? So what! It's also normal that he prefers you and objects when other people hold him. That sounds like the beginnings of a secure attachment which is what we want for all babies, FGS.

I know you say you did not mind she gave him formula, but I think that is very undermining and would annoy me massively. You were away for an hour. You had just fed him. At 14 weeks she could have jiggled and rocked him and walked him round until you got back - he did not need the formula, and it sounds to me like she couldn't wait to make a point.

And now she has left you doubting yourself and feeling upset.

Cruel and nasty, IMO.

Fluffcat Wed 10-Oct-12 14:35:56

It sounds as if you have nothing to worry about - other than your interfering MIL. Breast fed babies initially gain quickly in the first three months, but then their weight gain slows down, this is normal and as nature intended. So they start to look longer rather then as chubby as before.
BF babies also may need feeding more often because the milk is digested more quickly than a bottle feed.
My own baby is 14 weeks and ebf, I hardly ever bother getting her weighed, as long as she is chirpy and looks well to me I don't worry. She could be described as `clingy' but I view it as us having a really close bond. I would get seriously annoyed if someone spoke to me like your MIL did to you, and especially if they gave my baby formula. As your baby's mother, you will always know him best so don't let anyone undermine you.

ipswichwitch Wed 10-Oct-12 14:49:20

I had a lot of this "well meaning" interferance from ILs, and it does undermine confidence. Seems to me that your MIL (like mine) does not understand BFing at all (perfectly normal to feed every 2 hr), if he had just been fed by you before you left and you were gone an hour then he didn't need formula (agree with tiktok that she may have been trying to make a point there). Seems to me if he was unsettled he more likely had wind if he was fed in a rush, and like you say he doesn't settle well for others.

I would say that if there are plenty wet/dirty nappies, no weight loss and the HV is happy then mil needs to butt out. I had to get quite assertive in the end

MigGril Wed 10-Oct-12 14:50:30

I agree with everyone else, sounds more like your MIL is undermining your confidence.

It's sounds like you're doing a great job and your HV is happy.

I to would be livid if anyone had done this while I was out for such a short time. mite be a good idea not to leave him with your MIL if she is going to undermine your feeding choices in such a way.

monkeypuzzeltree Wed 10-Oct-12 14:53:31

Thank you so much, glad I'm not just being over sensitive. As soon as she's back with dd1 I'm going to tell her we have a plays date to get to (which I've hastily organised!).

Tiktok - you're quite right, when I went to the dentist last week my mum did just that. I'm pretty sure she have it to him as soon as I left - I did say hold off if at all poss! As you say, it gave her her point to make.

Was not what I needed at the start of a 4 day stint on my own while dh is working abroad!

Flimflammery Wed 10-Oct-12 14:56:10

Next time she mentions that all her babies were chubbier, just say 'Oh yes, apparently research has found a link between formula feeding and obesity, it's worrying, isn't it?'

monkeypuzzeltree Wed 10-Oct-12 14:59:38

And another thing...! What makes me so mad is that I've gone from totally ff at 3-4 weeks because of a virus and a stay in hospital (long story) to working my supply back up from nothing. It's only been about 5 week since I've been able to ebf. I've never tried so hard at anything - not spoiling it now!

tiktok Wed 10-Oct-12 16:25:28

So your MIL and^ your mum shovelled formula down him when you would only have been gone an hour.....pathetic!! Anyone who cannot keep a 3 mth baby tolerably happy, even in an emergency (which this was not - you'd just fed him!) with a bit of singing, dancing, rocking, or just a bit of peaceful cuddling and patting and whatnot actually not a very good babysitter smile smile

A big yay for getting back to ebf, 'cos it doesn't sound as if the grandmas are yaying much smile

MigGril Wed 10-Oct-12 16:46:38

ticktok, I actually read that as op's mum did what you suggested ie rocking jiggling. and that only MIL fed the formula. is that right op.

tiktok Wed 10-Oct-12 16:47:43

oh, may be right, sorry, OP's mum smile

AnitaBlake Wed 10-Oct-12 17:12:45

Well done for getting back to ebf smile FWIW my DD has always been skinnier than her ff peers, but she's always been skinnier than her bf peers too, its just the way she is. She eats well and nicely is bright, clever, alert and sociable. She's generally slightly ahead but she wasn't the first to sit or cut a tooth. That's because babies are different, and that's normal!

My mum used to drive me mad, we had formula for her as backup when I had to leave her but my mum would give her that in preference to the defrosted ebm I'd also left......... Or just not give her the ebm because it 'looked funny' or whatever. She never needed the formula because there was plenty of ebm but she insisted on giving it to her anyway. No advice but lots of sympathy xxx

monkeypuzzeltree Wed 10-Oct-12 18:47:54

No, my mum did the jiggling, looking in the mirror dance and held off. Everyone knows he's hard to settle, mind you, he should be ready for a feed now but is slumbering after a walk in the pram! Might give me enough time to get dd into bed!! What a day, am so mad and dh was not impressed when I told him either. angry

ShhhhhGoBackToSleep Wed 10-Oct-12 18:53:06

That is so great monkey, you've done so well to get your supply back up.

I don't think That you are being sensitive at all, I would be really pissed off if my MIL did that. The insensitive comments and the instant bottle pushing would both make me Very Very Cross indeed.

It sounds like you and your DS are both doing really well, so just ignore her!

although I wouldn't be able to resist pointing out to MIL that your mum was able to look after DS without shovelling formula down him and perhaps it was because she just had a better bond but then I am horrid

monkeypuzzeltree Wed 10-Oct-12 20:17:00

Shhgoback - That is brilliant I'm sure my mum would agree!!

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