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Agggh! Just need a little rant!

(18 Posts)
CailinDana Wed 31-Aug-11 08:30:18

I'm bfing my DS who is 8 months. All going well and I really enjoy it. All along I had the constant questions from both my mum and MIL about when I was going to stop and I said "soon" every time. Over time it's become clear to my mum at least (and I think to MIL) that I've just been fobbing them off and they've pretty much stopped asking. However MIL has now started on a new tack. I mentioned (foolishly) the other day that DH is having trouble settling DS at night as he wants me and a bf. Immediately she said "So you're going to stop feeding" as if that was the natural outcome. Thank god I was quick witted and said "No way! Then it'll be two of us who can't settle him instead of one, what a disaster!" and she left it at that. Then, later on, she started going on about she and FIL taking DS out for the day (something she has NEVER asked me about) and started baby talking to DS about how I'll have to change my feeding drastically so they'll be able to take him out.

I'm pretty livid to be honest and I think a serious talk is needed. I'm sure it'll fall on deaf ears but this is only one symptom in a whole disease of interference that's threatening to take over our lives as we've recently moved closer to the PILs. I love that they want to be with DS so much and to be honest a day off would be fab but it's the way they're going about it that's making me mad.

Ah good to get that off my chest. Any advice?

MigGril Wed 31-Aug-11 08:41:32

I take it as he's 8months and your well into weaning? They could take him for half a day at this age and just give him food and a drink. You could get 4hours off and they could get DS time to keep them happy. Just a thought.

Or if your still not happy about leaving him just tell them they'll have to wait until he's a bit older. Don't let them bully you into changing your feeding there not the one's who have to deal with your DS at the end of the day.

CailinDana Wed 31-Aug-11 08:45:47

They could probably easily take him for pretty much the whole day to be honest. He usually has a bf around 11 and then not again till about 4 as lunch and drinks keep him going in the meantime. I'm the one who suffers as I have very enthusiastic boobs! I actually would like them to take him out, it's more the fact that MIL is acting like my bfing is standing in the way of her plans. Also I have an issue with the fact that they mentioned taking him out without actually asking me if they could in the first place. They just started talking about the day out they were going to have with him. They know I haven't left DS with anyone except DH so far so it would be a big deal. It really pisses me off how they just make assumptions about things and don't respect me enough to actually ask me about it.

WoTmania Wed 31-Aug-11 08:45:57

Oh Goodness, no advice - my family get a little twitchy post 2 years but never this bad or early - but lots of sympathy.
I don't ge the 'when are you going to stop' questions, especially so young. You've got to the easy nice bit so it's time to stop? Right hmm

WoTmania Wed 31-Aug-11 08:46:55

And how is you BF any of her business anyway? Gah!

belgo Wed 31-Aug-11 08:47:09

It's frustrating isn't it. There is so much pressure on women to breastfeed; and then after 4/5/6/7 months, there is so much pressure to stop breastfeeding.

It's simply another way society is trying to control women.

Tell them you will breastfeed for as long as you want. In my experience, they give up asking eventually.

CailinDana Wed 31-Aug-11 08:51:33

I was keeping them off my back by just saying "soon" every time they asked. My mum knows what I'm like so she's just backed off completely. She lives far away so doesn't get a chance to comment very often. MIL on the other hand is now much closer than before and will comment all the time, I know it. I really really want to maintain good relations with her and FIL as they are good people deep down they're just annoying as hell. I can take them in very small doses but now that they're closer I'm really afraid it'll all kick off some day and I really don't want that to happen. They adore DS and are great with him and I want to foster that as much as I can.

I'm not just overreacting am I - just chatting about the day out they're all going to have without asking me first is way out of order isn't it?

MigGril Wed 31-Aug-11 09:08:23

I think maybe by saying "soon" you may have got there hopes up. Maybe a change in tack is needed. When they ask say you'll feed as long as you and DS are happy to and it's not open for disucsion with them. They may get the hint and stop asking.

Yes it is out of order for them to do that. If they want to take him our they should ask you.

My mother inlaw did that to but she's hasn't even said anything this time round. I think she got the hint with the first one that we'll stop when were ready.

CailinDana Wed 31-Aug-11 09:42:17

Yeah maybe I need to be more direct with them. Problem is MIL isn't the great listener in the world and tends to fill in the blanks for herself. After 10 years of telling her she's still convinced I take skimmed milk (I only ever drink whole milk) and that I like my tea ridiculously strong. Neither of these things has ever been true of me in the whole time I've known her. Sigh.

WoTmania Wed 31-Aug-11 11:14:07

Agree with MigGril - get DH onside and tell them this is how you are doing it and please stop criticising, however subtle she is about it. Maybe also tell her why and the disadvantages of introducing bottles/formula?
Also - you've said he goes a long time without milk in the daytime so why not point out that she can take him out for the day.

Booboostoo Wed 31-Aug-11 11:58:41

People are so weird, why would they ever want to stop you bfing?? Sorry not much help there but suffering the same problems. DD at 12 wks is in the 95 percentile weight wise so we are thrilled bfing is working so mum and gran think she is too fat and perhaps I should stop bfing to diet her! shock

CailinDana Wed 31-Aug-11 14:05:34

Gosh that's terrible booboo, what a weird way think! Putting a 12 wk old on a diet! FWIW DS has always been around the 98th centile for weight and the HV never made any comment on it. Around 6 months he shot up in height and is now very very tall for his age and given that he is now crawling he has lost a load of weight and I'd imagine (though he's not been weighed in a while) that he has dropped a fair few centiles. Having that bit of extra fat is a god send if they ever get ill. Perhaps tell them that - that if your DD ever got D and V that it would be less likely that she would really suffer?

With my PILs I think it's a purely selfish thing - they want DS to themselves and see my bfing as getting in the way of that. As far as they're concerned there's no need to bf beyond the first 6 weeks so I've gone way over the limit! I'm seriously considering bfing for at least a year so I can imagine the reaction I'll get to that!

Mampig Wed 31-Aug-11 14:12:40

I would play them at their own game!! My mum visits every day (bit tiresome really as she doesnt help out - just waits to get tea etc made for her..) waits to it starts raining and then tells my 2yo, "we could have went for a walk only its raining" - this type of thing. Wouldnt take her for the day as she was in nappies and couldnt cope with changing her....
Anyway, now she's potty trained, the excuse is that she would just pine after me confused. I also got mum a rain coat for my house, 2yo has raincoat, her own brolly and peppa wellies, which she just LOVES to get on. So last time she used the raining excuse, I produced all of the above and nowt she could say!!! Hence she took dd out (for all of 10 mins), and has never asked again!!!! Advice ::: milk it!!! She'll soon tire of the bf comments!!! Reverse psychology at its best!!! Good luck

CailinDana Wed 31-Aug-11 14:20:51

Hah I like your style mampig grin

I'm definitely going to play dumb on the whole day out thing until they actually ask me directly about it. If they ask DH I'm still going to act like I know nothing because I think that just going through him is wrong, seeing as I'm the one who looks after DS the majority of the time. DH would probably just say to ask me anyway.

stegasaurus Thu 01-Sep-11 19:03:49

Since DD was about 6 weeks old my in-laws have been going on about me giving her formula or expressed milk so she can stay the night at their house. She is now 4 months and I thought they were starting to accept that this isn't going to happen, but at the weekend MIL was saying that soon she will be 6 months and eating so can come and stay at theirs. I'm not sure why she equates weaning with immediately stopping breastfeeding. Even if she wasn't breastfeeding I don't think I would want her to stay the night anywhere without me while she is so young.

CailinDana Thu 01-Sep-11 21:39:56

How annoying stegasaurus! At least my PILs haven't gone so far as to suggest staying the night yet. There's no way I'd allow that.

KellyKettle Fri 02-Sep-11 07:51:24

Oh God, I hate it when people talk to you through the baby/child. How are you supposed to respond? Through the baby?

I had a lot of this from MIL in the early days with all kinds of benefits/promises for me (we'd do x for you if only she was bottle fed etc). However, once DD was going longer between feeds they didn't really want to know. They don't visit unless we ask the several times, it's always for us to go to them. MIL believes I should now stop because it's "just for comfort" and says if I night weaned they'd have DD overnight so DH and I could have a break.

We don't see them often enough for DD to be happy overnight anyway but I doubt it would happen, MIL just isn't comfortable with me BF. I'm glad I chose to prioritise my DDs needs over my MILs promises of days out and breaks.

Funnily enough, my DM has been quite supportive of bf until recent weeks and she has started trying to convince DD to wean "milks for babies and you're a big girl" or "when the new baby comes there won't be any milk for you". DD just ends up in tears and it really is about my mums discomfort at me feeding a toddler or tandem feeding.

I am more direct with both MIL & DM now, it is the only way to nip it in the bud.

CailinDana Fri 02-Sep-11 09:20:53

God yes the whole talking through DS thing pisses me off incredibly, it is so rude. I just tend to ignore it. However I think the next time I might ask her to stop doing it as I think she's assuming that that's a valid way of informing me of what her plans are for my life and my baby's life!

I think I will have to be more direct. If she mentions bfing again I'm going to say that she needs to stop mentioning it as it's a private matter and I feel upset at her comments on it. I think I need to ask DH to be a bit more direct with her too. He does try but she really has selective hearing, or worse still, she'll stop doing something for a day and then go back to her old ways. The main thing I need from her is a complete attitude change I think. She doesn't see me as an adult at all, more like a child, and assumes she can just organise things as she sees fit. That has to change soon or I'll have to stop her coming around so much to preserve my sanity and that would be a shame.

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