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BFers: how do you explain that you don't want to go on a night out because of BFing...

(21 Posts)
orchidee Mon 01-Aug-11 15:31:07

... and is there a tactful way of saying that you would like to go but not enough to start expressing and cup / bottle feeding? Or that you don't really want to be away from your baby for long?

I have an almost 3 month old who is exclusively BF. I expect people to be less understanding as time goes on e.g. at 6 months / a year etc that I am still BF / nursing to sleep / don't want to be away from my baby for very long etc. What's your experice and how have you handled it?

BlueKangaroo22 Mon 01-Aug-11 15:32:53

Your baby is only three months old! Anyone who is not understanding of that fact isn't worth bothering with IMO, harsh but true to be fair!

TanteRose Mon 01-Aug-11 15:40:03

agree - you have a 3 month old baby, you don't need to be "tactful" in any way, shape or form

tell them you expelled another human being from your body a few short weeks ago, and are now in the process of making sure it grows grin

StarlightMcKenzie Mon 01-Aug-11 15:46:20

Ask pertinent questions about the baby friendliness of the various venues plus logistics about buggy haulage and carseats as well as changing facilities and then shrug your shoulders when they can't respond and say 'oh that's a Shame we would have liked to have come - perhaps next time!'

If someone suggests leaving the baby behind laugh and say 'that's funny' but refuse to elaborate.

orchidee Mon 01-Aug-11 15:55:43

Ha ha! Thanks, yes I just said that I don't (not can't) go anywhere without my baby at the moment. I feel stuck between saying "don't want to go" which seems tactless or "can't go" which isn't really true and possibly invites further discussion: "why can't you go?"

Welcome to the world of motherhood and having parenting choices examined I suppose! I am happy to talk about BF but don't want to do so in a way that seems negative ("I can't go because... BF... ")

orchidee Mon 01-Aug-11 15:56:24

StarlightMcKenzie
I like it.
I shall use it.

HandMini Mon 01-Aug-11 16:17:20

Don't feel that your choice is being examined Orchidee - it's absolutely valid to just say that this is just a very short few months of your (and your LO's) life and you want to make sure you make the most of it in terms of Baby Orchidee's comfort and happiness. Missing one or two nights out is, in the grand scheme of life, so irrelevant, and real friends should understand that.

mawbroon Mon 01-Aug-11 17:17:07

What kind of night out is it? Could you take your baby with you?

DS2 has been to several nights out and enjoyed them so much he slept right through them in the sling smile

Haggisfish Mon 01-Aug-11 17:25:24

Yes, until about four months old, I would take LO with me till about half eleven - fed her in pubs, at bowling allies and at parties - she wouldn't go to sleep before about midnight for more than forty minutes, and could sleep anywhere until about four months old. That sounds like I am a terrible mother, but they were quiet pubs and dinner parties, not mentally busy clubby pubs and student parties. Other than that, everyone is remarkably understanding - I just say, 'I am still breastfeeding every three hours and don't want to leave my baby. sorry!'.

orchidee Mon 01-Aug-11 18:45:11

This invitation is for a birthday - it'll be a Saturday night dinner and bars sort of thing in a city centre. I like your idea Haggisfish but that wouldn't suit this baby, he's not a sleep anywhere baby, he likes quiet and dim lights to feed and sleep.

SpottyFrock Mon 01-Aug-11 18:57:00

I went to a friends birthday bash when my eldest was just 3wks old. I expressed enough for 2 feeds and dh just fed him from the bottle. It was fine and I really enjoyed it. However, if you don't want to be parted from baby that's fine too, just say so. Lots of bottle feeding mothers feel the same, I'm sure.
Fwiw, I bf my 3 for 7,9 and 9mths and I'm really glad I starting expressing early as they took to ebm from a bottle easily whereas friends who started expressing at 4 or 6mths had more trouble trying to coax their little ones onto the bottle.

However, as I said if you don't want to express or just don't want to be parted from baby that's ok too at that age. Just let your friends know.

surprisearrival Mon 01-Aug-11 19:08:02

I had this!!!! My friends were crap at understanding! I had my daughter in feb after not knowing I was pregnant until pretty much I went into labour. My friends expected me to be out with them again within 3weeks; I was exclusively breast feeding- and although I could express and she took the bottle easily, I didn't (don't) like to leave her! I got so stressed and upset with friends we barely speak now! Wish they had of understood!( one was also a mother who didn't even attempt breastfeeding and I was constantly being told "x still comes out and she's a mum".. Could have really done with true friends back then! Dd father doesn't want to know and my best friend was away (just returned last week as a surprise!!) makes me feel less crazy reading your posts! Xxx

SpottyFrock Mon 01-Aug-11 20:02:50

Surprisearrival, I think your situation is slightly different if your dd's dad wasn't on the scene. I certainly wouldn't have left mine with anyone other than dh when they were that young.

Also, and I'm about to make a massive assumption here, I'm guessing if you didn't know your were pg and your friends acted that way then you and them are maybe younger? Thats not a criticism, I just think many younger women without any experience of kids themselves can be unintentionally unreasonable about things like this. I probably would have been in my 20s but by the time my friends and I were having kids in our late 30s, early 40s, even those without kids were a bit more understanding.

I don't think the op should feel bad about not wanting to leave her baby or feel she has to justify it. I just suggested expressing as it suited me.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen Mon 01-Aug-11 21:20:50

Don't worry about telling people, it's hard to get out for the night. It does get easier though. DS will go to bed at 7pm (and has done since about 5 months old) and will not usually wake up until the early hours so we can go out fairly easily now, as long as we can find some money and a babysitter!

DuelingFanjo Mon 01-Aug-11 22:57:53

I have difficulty with this. My nct group all want to go out for cocktails but I am still feeding and also don't want to get shitfaced so think I will just be the glum boring one. I never know what to say though, I almost feel apologetic which is silly as I shouldn't have to be!

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh Tue 02-Aug-11 08:18:40

Ha! I had this at 15m! I have been out lots with ds, but still don't really want to leave him in the evening. He still bf to sleep and i'm happy with this but reckon he'd settle fine for dh. But i would have felt glum! Compounded by being pg again mind you.
It isn't even just about the night out. Who wants to be even more tired or hung over with a lo? No ta.

There is lots of stuff you can do with a baby, inc inviting people round for tea or lunch...baby friendly and fun all round esp for a birthday when ou are basically throwing another party for them.

BertieBotts Tue 02-Aug-11 09:20:43

I would say "I'd love to come, and I'm really sorry to miss it, but I'm just not ready to leave DS just yet."

Or the age-old "I'm breastfeeding and he won't take a bottle".

BertieBotts Tue 02-Aug-11 09:22:47

Dueling how about suggesting you all go for a meal this time, and cocktails when the babies are a bit older? In my NCT group we go out to a chinese buffet restaurant every 6 months or so - those who want to drink share a bottle of wine, and those who don't just drink soft drinks.

Or just go but drive, maybe offer to give people lifts?

TittyBojangles Tue 02-Aug-11 09:38:09

I had something similar when DS was about 3 months, a works Xmas do (I was still on maternity leave, but was invited). I said, "Lovely of you to invite me, but I can't come I'm afraid as I'm bf and will need to feed DS during that time." Someone said "that's what breast pumps are for." I said "ah yes, but DS won't take a bottle so its a no go". That's it, they just accepted it, probably some ppl thought I was being a bit PFB, but I'm not bothered, and it was true, he wouldn't and still won't take a bottle (9mo now).

Just say you can't come and leave it at that, no need to have a big discussion about it. If some ppl think you are being PFB then so be it, but ppl will think that about all sorts of your parenting choices anyway so its no big deal as long as you are happy with your choices. Once your baby is a bit older you will probably find you can go out a bit more anyway. I have been out for meals etc once DS is asleep and it has been fine. Have had to miss that xmas do, a hen do and that's about it really.... but maybe that says more about my social life than bf and DS.

theyoungvisiter Tue 02-Aug-11 09:46:45

I agree at 3 months you can just say "I don't want to leave him" and leave it at that!

However I agree at six months + it gets harder and you can get embroiled into long discussions about your choices without really wanting to.

I used to be completely honest with good friends (he's breastfeeding, he won't take a bottle so it's hard to leave him), but with people I knew less well and didn't really want to get into a to-and-fro about parenting choices, I'd be a bit more euphemistic and say things like "he doesn't go down very well for other people so it makes for a really miserable evening".

If they make a big deal out of it and make you feel bad about your choices, they're crap friends anyway and you're better off without them.

BaronessBomburst Tue 02-Aug-11 10:57:34

Ha ha! I still get this and DS is nearly 18 months. grin My friends are now used to the fact that I will always insist on being home around midnight and won't drink much. DH will give DS a cup and get him to bed but he's much more likely to wake in the night and fret if I wasn't there to give him his night feed, and a broken night combined with a late night is just not worth it!

They're also planning a night away in Rotterdam in January and I've said I won't be able to go as I'm BF. They looked at me aghast as DS will be nearly two, but people quickly change the subject if you offer to enlighten them on BF and why it's no longer the norm in our culture. One day someone will be interested.......

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