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Reassure me I am not 'spoiling' my baby

(47 Posts)
midori1999 Tue 12-Jul-11 19:54:09

Aggghhhhh, if one more person says this to me, especially when I am tired and looking after a newborn and 3 older DC singlehandedly as my DH is not living here at the moment...

DD is 22 days old and BF on demand. She is quite windy/colicky and just likes to be held anyway. At first she wouldn't sleep in her carry cot at all, only on me or DH, but she is now sleeping 3-5 hour stretches through the night in it and will have a morning feed between 5 and 7 am and then go back to sleep in her carrycot until 9 or 10, which I actually think is great going.

Afternoons are more tricky and she usually needs to be held and then she sometimes cluster feeds all evening or at least likes to be held most of the evening. She won't sleep in her pram all the time, so walks can be tricky as sometimes she'll scream and we have to come home again. I am thinking of a sling so at these times I can pop her in her sling instead of having to come home.

People keep saying she'll be 'spoilt and then today when DH rang and I was exasperated after having to return from a walk to feed DD again, even he said 'maybe we've overdone the cuddles a bit'. hmm She needed feeding FFS. What do people expect me to do?! Leave a 3 week old baby to scream until she's inconsolable?! A friend of a friend who was walking with us even suggested I take a bottle of expressed milk with me to give her if she needed it during a walk. Why? Am I supposed to shove a bottle in her mouth whilst also pushing her in the pram?! I calmly explained that I was trying to avoid bottles as DD was only 3 weeks old.

Yes, DD is more demanding than her brothers were, but she's only going to be tiny for such a short time and all babies are different surely. Plus, at least I can get some sleep at night. Surely it's impossible to actually 'spoil' a baby?

Moulesfrites Tue 12-Jul-11 19:56:53

You are not spoiling your baby. You are meeting her basic needs for love, comfort and security. Stick to your guns.

Have you ever heard anyone with adult dcs say, "Oh I really regret all that time I spent cuddling my children when they were babies?"

Conkertree Tue 12-Jul-11 19:57:13

Sounds like you are doing really well, coping with a new born and all the other children without dh. I totally agree that you can't spoil a newborn.

Feed her and cuddle her as much as she needs, just like you are doing. Ignore everyone else - you know you are doing the right thing.

Beamur Tue 12-Jul-11 19:58:05

It is impossible to spoil a new born.

Conflugenglugen Tue 12-Jul-11 20:02:35

I agree - you cannot spoil a newborn with what you're doing. Responsive - "contingent" - parenting has been proven by numerous researchers to provide an environment in which a baby can thrive. Pay your critics no mind.

springboksaplenty Tue 12-Jul-11 20:05:05

I am always amazed by this attitude that a newborn can be spoilt. You are doing what she needs at this point in time. She's tiny and needs to be reassured that it is not a big scary world out there. I had the same when my ds was newborn, I held him while he slept during the day - I don't think I put him down for any length of time really. But he slept in his cot for the night (bar feeding obviously) and now at 7 mo isn't clingy and sleeps/plays on his own. But I constantly had comments that 'oh you're making a rod for your own back' and 'you'll make him into a clingy baby'. Ignore them and give your baby a cuddle smile

MirandaGoshawk Tue 12-Jul-11 20:12:38

Oh, I loathe that 'You'll spoil him' thing about newborns. It's so sad. Reminds me of a dad who wouldn't hold his little boy's hand in case he turned him gay sad

Ignore these idiots and listen to your gut feeling. Babies need to feel secure in order to not grow up insecure! - lots of cuddles and reassurance. Women have been doing this for thousands of years, all over the world. It's the 'rod for your back' brigade who are wrong.

PirateDinosaur Tue 12-Jul-11 20:19:40

Of course you aren't spoiling her. What muppets.

threeandcounting Tue 12-Jul-11 20:19:56

Hi
I am fostering a 6 week old baby and have 3 dc of my own. Baby loves to be held during the day so I invested in a moby wrap that I keep in the bottom of the pram so if he is unsettled I can put him in that and he seems to settle better !

It sounds as though you are doing really well and I don't think you can spoil babies.

KnitterNotTwitter Tue 12-Jul-11 20:22:15

I think you can only 'spoil' a child when you give them everything they 'want'... At this stage your child only has 'needs'.

You're doing brilliantly and your children love you for it.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 12-Jul-11 20:22:19

if people persisted in this line of comment I used to say that I felt it was far too early to put my needs before my newborn baby's needs.

I sounded like a sanctimonious twat but it shut them up. I feel they forced me into it grin

grumpykat25 Tue 12-Jul-11 20:27:21

Anyone who says you are spoiling your daughter should be told to but out. You are her mummy and you know her needs. Everyone else can frankly fuck the fuck off and then fuck off some more. You can't spoil a baby. The end. Thank you.

grumpykat25 Tue 12-Jul-11 20:28:51

PS, I wish I had a newborn to not spoil- enjoy every little snuggly moment!

ChunkyPickle Tue 12-Jul-11 20:31:17

And another vote - you're not spoiling your baby at all. We fed on demand, never got round to having a buggy as I used a wrap/mei-tai to carry him everywhere, fed him to sleep most of the time and now have a lovely outgoing, adventurous, and happy 11 month old - not clingy at all (well.. except at nap time).

You really can't spoil them when they're young, all you can do is make yourself miserable by trying to train them before they can even put two thoughts next to each other, let alone learn consequences

RedHotPokers Tue 12-Jul-11 20:31:44

I was quite hardcore with my DCs. Did leave them to cry a little bit when they were 6w+, and couldn't quite embrace 24 hour demand feeding!

However, even I think that a 3 week old baby needing to be held a lot, not wanting to sleep in moses basket at times, and having periods of constant feeding is perfectly normal.

You are certainly not spoiling your baby.

CointreauVersial Tue 12-Jul-11 20:34:08

Of course you aren't spoiling her, she's soooo young.

I have to wonder, though, whether the comments stem from people being worried about you and how you are coping; in other words saying it's OK if you don't answer her every call, you need to look after yourself too.....

FannyFerknackerPants Tue 12-Jul-11 20:36:48

You are doing the right thing, OP. Trust your instincts - your tiny baby needs you and you are giving her the love that will set her up for life.

Just to reassure you, my DS1 was the clingiest baby and toddler that you ever did see - he was at the extreme end of clinginess and could never bear to be parted from me at all.

Now he is the most independent young adult you could imagine - his hobby is to travel all over the country on trains and buses! He still loves his cuddles and hugs though, even at 21! The most loving lad you could hope for smile

MooMooFarm Tue 12-Jul-11 20:37:36

God some people are so ignorant sometimes! Tell the next person who says that to you to fuck the hell off - you can always blame it on your hormones afterwards grin

It is impossible to spoil a newborn baby. She NEEDS to be close to you; it's all part of the process of getting breastfeeding established.

Don't listen to any of the people who are spouting that crap at you - you are doing absolutely the right thing.

RitaMorgan Tue 12-Jul-11 20:40:24

Definitely get a good sling - I found my Close carrier invaluable. Stretchy wraps are supposed to be good to.

Is there a particular reason you need to go home to feed the baby though?

Callisto Tue 12-Jul-11 20:41:17

She sounds exactly like my DD, the velcro baby, who I fed on demand, carried constantly and co-slept with. I never once left her to cry either - much to the disgust and/or bewilderment of nearly everyone I knew, even the stupid HV who trotted out the old 'rod for your own back' comment. hmm

My DD is now 6 and totally delightful and not at all spoilt. You carry on doing what keeps your DD and you happy and ignore everyone else. And don't be afraid to breast feed in public if you can face it, rather than spoil your walk.

WoTmania Tue 12-Jul-11 20:42:34

You are not spoiling your baby. You are doing your best for her and meeting her needs for food, comfort and security. Ignore your unhelpful friends/family and just vent on here grin

thefirstMrsDeVere Tue 12-Jul-11 20:46:26

You are not spoiling her.

I've had tons of kids (well five) and I held all of them for the first few weeks months of their lives. Carried them from room to room with me. If I was sat down they were on me, if got up to do stuff OH had them.

Thats what newborns are for smile

Non of mine have been clingly apart from my dear little S2 but he had been neglected for the first 8 of his life and never held or picked up or cherished. Took a LOT of 'spoiling' to help him deal with that. sad

Loopymumsy Tue 12-Jul-11 20:50:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EightiesChick Tue 12-Jul-11 20:58:06

'Spoil' away! She is 3 weeks old! Time enough for firmness when you get to toddler tantrums.

Pick a line to use whenever you get this, something like 'I'm happy with the way I'm doing this, but thanks for the advice'. Just keep using that.

HSMM Tue 12-Jul-11 21:02:47

The most useful piece of advice I was given, was that I could spoil my DD as much as I liked for the first 6 months and get away with it. Those 6 months were lovely, because I didn't have to worry about how much I carried her, or how often I fed her.

Make the most of these early months and do what is best for you and your DC.

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