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If one more person tells me to give DS formula........ So pissed off.

(49 Posts)
PrisonerZero Mon 04-Jul-11 09:54:17

I am exclusivily breastfeeding my DS3, he is 3 weeks old.

He is perfect, putting on weight, alert, smiling - I adore him, and I am enjoying feeding him, especially when he is still awake and gives me an 'I love you' look whilst being fed.

I don't have sore nipples, I don't complain about feeding him, I am discreet - I feed him upstairs at mils house, I occassionally express a bottle and he takes the bottle as well as the breast.

Yes, he feeds alot - ever hour and a half, day and night. Its normal, it doesn't mean my milk "isn't good enough" or "not filling him up", or that "hes a very hungry baby" or that "He will be dehydrated and ill"

No, he doesn't need water or juice, he will not "end up back in hospital because I am stubborn"

So, I am sick to death of being told to give him formula to "make him sleep" or to "fill up his tummy, poor mite must be starving". I am not going to "Make myself ill" or "need him more than he needs me" or "spoil him"

DP has so far bought 2 tins of formula, and 3 ready made cartons. He is determined that I give them to him - He can't get through his head that I don't need to "top him up" and that I am doing a bloody good job of feeding him myself. He thinks I am being stroppy and stubborn and will end up regretting it.

I have heard him on the phone to his granmother and mother, and I know that are asking whether i've seen sense yet and given him a bottle yet. His answers are all along the lines of "I know, i've told her...." and "Well, we'll see...." I appreciate the bottles that mil bought me - they will come in useful for expressing. I thought I was very polite when his granmother said she thought my milk wasn't good enough. I let mil faff around trying to get him to take water, but I am rapidly reaching the end of my teather with them all. If they knew me at all, they would realise that I would carry on feeding him even if my nipple was hanging off purely because they are pressuring me. I've breastfed two babies before, I know what i'm doing - why can't they back the fluffy duck off and leave me alone.

Its probably that they want a turn feeding him - and thats fine, I am happy to express breast milk and they can give it to him.

Just a moan as I am fed up of being made to feel like a 'know-it-all freak that is damaging my baby'

I told DP that my milk is perfect for him as it was made just for him, and he said that companies had spent years making formula perfect for babies and it was probably better now than breast milk. Oh, and its got vitamins in it.... I told him breast milk did too <banging head against the wall>

Its not that I have anything aganst formula feeding btw, I would be just as annoyed if I was giving him SMA and they were trying to force me to breastfeed. I breastfeed because (luckily for me) its easy, free and convienient. And I am to lazy to sterilise things.

RitaMorgan Mon 04-Jul-11 10:00:22

Can you tell them that the discussion is over and you don't want to hear any more about it? I'd say you won't be spending time with them (and therefore they won't be seeing the baby) until they can keep their opinions to themselves.

As for your DP I would be beyond livid.

EauRouge Mon 04-Jul-11 10:00:40

Oh, that sounds so annoying angry Good on you for sticking to your guns. Do you think showing them loads of evidence will help? Like actually printing it out and giving it to them? Or you could just say 'evidence please?' every time they come up with a reason to give formula. They might get sick of mentioning it then.

Do you think your DP would be open to going to a BF group with you?

Or could you just shout at them be very firm and tell your MiL and GMiL to mind their own business?

You have the patience of a saint to put up with it, I think I'd end up refusing to visit in case I got angry and squirted her in the eye grin

ilovemydogandMrObama Mon 04-Jul-11 10:03:27

wow. It must be really really difficult having such an unsupportive partner. It's hard enough b/fing a 3 week old without all the pressure. Presumably he wasn't around when you b/f your others?

PeggyCarter Mon 04-Jul-11 10:03:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeggyCarter Mon 04-Jul-11 10:08:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midori1999 Mon 04-Jul-11 10:14:17

Crikey, how awful for you! I too admire your patience, how you haven't just told them all to feck off is beyond me, you must be a saint, especially where your partner is concerned!

My MIL said to DH when he told her we were going home from the hospital 'at least you'll be able to help with night feeds now', DH said he wouldn't be able to really as I was breastfeeding. MIL immediately said 'oh. well, SIL was very clever and bottle fed'. Obviously that's fine if that's SIL's decision, but DH immediately let rip at MIL about how it wasn't a 'clever' decision.

verylittlecarrot Mon 04-Jul-11 10:15:58

..And people think that formula marketing has no real influence. An entire family has been convinced that powdered processed cows' milk is better for a human baby than human milk. Muppets.

I'd probably suggest telling them all that you want their unequivocal support for your choice of feeding. Tell them they are undermining and upsetting you, and if they cannot support you, then you will not discuss the matter again with them.

Oh, and I'd donate the formula with immediate effect.Just in case someone is tempted to make a point whilst you are out/ in the shower etc.

How frustrating for you.

worldgonecrazy Mon 04-Jul-11 10:27:29

I am so sorry you have such an unsupportive partner. I second the idea about taking him to bf group with you. Somewhere on line there is also something called "101 reasons to breastfeed". Perhaps you could suggest if he can come up with "102 reasons to give formula" you will relook at the situation.

squiggleywiggler Mon 04-Jul-11 10:32:20

Do you have any spare funds? Could it be worth hiring a Lactation Consulatnt (or an 'Infant Feeding Expert' as you may want to refer to them) to come round. Ostensibly to help you deal with the 'problem' of your baby feeding all the time. Actually to put the wind up DP, MIL etc. Make sure they are there, ask some stupid questions like 'but isn't formula better' and 'safer' and wait for her to set them all straight. Maybe warn her in advance to come over very stern and expertly. Amazing how hearing an expert rather than little old you could make them sit up and listen...

In fact could you just get someone to pretend to be one? If you're anywhere near East London I'm happy to help!

MedicalEd Mon 04-Jul-11 11:46:01

Prisoner, I am so angry on your behalf!
What makes MILs think they can interfere? and as for DP, its his job to be on your side.
You are a saint for keeping your temper.
I think the idea of a lactation consultant is great or even just take DP with you to see health visitor (providing your's are good - mine have been brilliant at supporting bf).
If you can convince your DP, he should deal with his family or at least tell them to keep their ill-informed opinions to themselves.
Good luck.

mo3d Mon 04-Jul-11 11:53:37

Im with you. Well done and keep going. I found it painfree and also the thought of sterilising was not attractive. My H was happy because it meant there was no way he could do the night time feeds! Expressing didnt work very well for me but like you I was happy breast feeding.

Perhaps you should remind you dp about the fact he can sleep all night!

Adagoo Mon 04-Jul-11 11:58:07

Go You!

I'm sorry that you have to put up with this crap from your DP.

You already have your arguments straight, so I don't need to tell you what to say, but GOOOOO YOU! <cheers>

(I have had some of this crap, but only from my granny wink)

iloveholidays Mon 04-Jul-11 14:51:17

You poor thing - that sounds horrible. Well done to sticking with your guns.

It sounds like your DP needs educating (I doubt he understands the benefits!)... I second what other people have suggested and give him some reading to do and then see what he says.

I find it really sad that our country isn't more pro-breastfeeding!!

AmazingBouncingFerret Mon 04-Jul-11 14:59:15

I didnt breastfeed, didnt even try it but your OP has made me so angry on your behalf. Can you not throw the cartons of formula at your DH if he makes another comment?

crikeybadger Mon 04-Jul-11 15:02:19

Personally I don't think that trying to educate these family members about bnfing will do the slightest bit of good. I certainly wouldn't be wasting my money on paying for a lactation consultant either- especially as you are happy with how things are going yes?

I don't think these comments are meant in a mean way, it's just a lack of understanding about breastfeeding, probably because they come from a formula feeding culture. They are however undermining you but you sound like a strong enough person to be able to deal with them.

Personally I find a non committal smile and a nod shuts people up as there is then no discussion to engage in.

pettyprudence Mon 04-Jul-11 15:12:22

I told my dp that if he didn't shut up about the formula (used some for a couple of hrs when I thought I was going to give up bf) that I would throw him and the formula out right now, and no I didn't care that it was 4.30am. In his defence he thought he was being "helpful" (I was struggling to bf, he had a solution, he now knows to give me a hug and tell me how well I'm doing). He has never mentioned formula since grin

I can't believe the lack of support you are receiving. I think I would understand it more if it was the first baby to be bf-ed in your family, but you have already successfully bf-ed two other children! Do they think your other dc's are malnourished or something???? Can't offer any other advice than to tell them to piss off

wobblyweeble82 Mon 04-Jul-11 15:12:30

Blimmin' well good for you. I have a 6 week old DD, and I'm getting the same from my sister and mum and mil who thnk I'm absolutely bonkers not to be giving her DD, at least before bed to make her sleep longer.

Like your DS, my DD is big, strong, healthy, smiley. She's been on the 91st centile since birth and so what if I have to feed her every 3 hours (DD has gotten VERY efficient at emptying the boob nigh on completely in 10mins) day and night? It's not forever and I, like you, can rest safe in the knowledge that she is getting the best we can offer them.

I'd tell your DP to bog right off by the way. BF needs support at home, not the apparent opposite. And as for them wanting to have a go at feeding them - I honestly don;t understand that. Have a cuddle with them, yes, and a lovely play with them, again yes. But feeding them? I don't think there;s that much special about giving a babbie a bottle, but maybe thats just me.

I also admire how you stood by and let yoru MIL try and give DS water. I'd end up chucking the water over mine if she even insinuated that was her intention. When you come to wean him, or express, I think you've earnt not just a glass of something splendid, but a huge great bottle.

Stick to your guns, express when YOU'RE ready to, not when DP or MIL is, and keep dong what you're doing smile smile smile

WiiUnfit Mon 04-Jul-11 15:27:06

Hi Prisoner, congratulations - DS is also 3 weeks & despite a blocked duct we are very much enjoying bf'ing too so good for you! Like others have said - stick to your guns & donate the formula asap to avoid any FF-sabotages! smile

Maybe you could have DP there when your HV visits & have them explain to him that as long as your DS is putting on weight well, having plenty of wet & dirty nappies .etc then breastmilk is the best thing for him & is clearly working well.

Hope this gets easier for you, it can't be nice having people tell you your milk is somehow inferior, keep your chin up & stay strong, you're doing a fantastic job! smile

bonkers20 Mon 04-Jul-11 15:30:52

Bloody hell!!!! Your baby is very lucky you to have you as his Mum and I hope he has inherited your strong will and confidence!

Print out a list of why BF is brilliant and stick it up their arses on the fridge and tell them all the matter is closed.

You need to get your DP on your side. He should be listening to YOU, not his mother or your mother. Geez.

Give the formula to a woman's shelter.

flickor Mon 04-Jul-11 15:50:37

You are doing great - tell them to visit this site. I always quote this "bottle fed babies are 13 times more likely to go to hospital with ear nose and throat infections, perform worse in IQ lesson, 16% will have some form of behavioural difficulties, twice as likely to have type II diabetes and heart disease. Mother who breast feed reduce their chances of ovarian cancer by 8%. There is also evidence that breast fed babies have reduced risk of obesity and are easier to wean"

TruthSweet Mon 04-Jul-11 16:28:41

Perhaps this might help illustrate that formula is missing the odd one or two things that bm has wink.

If you think OH having a chat 'man to man' with a dad who's partner has bf could you ask around at a bfing support group/NCT/LLL? That might work or as crikeybadger says not engaging with them - smile and nod - then do what you were doing anyway.

KnitterNotTwitter Mon 04-Jul-11 16:40:58

With my MIL a lot of the insinuating about formula was because she'd FFed her 3 and so by inference by BFing DS I was implying that she didn't do the right thing.

You may find that your MIL finds your mothering abilities threatening.

That doesn't mean that their behaviour is acceptable mind you.... just might be a different way of tackling the issue. I like to tell my MIL that it was SO difficult for her - the baby formula companies were so manipulative, putting out a message that FF was better and undermining mothers and their natural abilities to make what we now know to be the best possible food for our children.

ilovemydogandMrObama Mon 04-Jul-11 16:57:35

knitter makes a really good point that mil is feeling threatened/challenged that she didn't do the right thing, competitive mothering etc.

But think the best way forward is non confrontation as for whatever reason, this family seems to feel it's OK to debate the most intimate of issues. I'd say something like, 'we're going to have to agree to disagree...' and don't engage.

And have a serious chat with your DP about his lack of support. He needs to back you up.

TruthSweet Mon 04-Jul-11 18:47:00

Would this be of help to your DH?

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