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Help I don't want to breast feed any more

(69 Posts)
OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jun-11 22:10:11

I have no one in real life to talk to. I'm a bfn supporter

Dd2 is nearly 7 months (I think)

Solids are coming along but she doesn't eat much and im exhausted.

We have never had what I think is an effective latch with lots of clicking etc and tbh she's just using me as a dummy most of the time

I feel trapped, undervalued and fucking miserable. Im meant go be going out for the day and DP just said he will "give her formula" easy as that. Iv slogged my guts out for 7 months and now he says that it's like I've just been in some stupid lah lah land breast feeding - like it was easy

It's been hell. Bad latch terrible pain, nipple shields, confusion, reflux

I've had enough. But I feel guilty for even thinking about stopping. Iv come to see formula as evil unnatural.

I co sleep and she's attached to me 24/7

I've never left her for longer than 30mins

I'm tired

Casmama Tue 28-Jun-11 22:22:36

Noone is going to give you a medal. I really don't mean to sound flippant but your daughter has had a huge amount of benefit from the breast feeding you have done so far but is sounds like you would really benefit from stopping. I breast fed my ds for 7-8 months and then stopped because I had had enough. It gave me alot more freedom and I have never regretted giving up when I did - I just feel proud of feeding for as long as I did. As a parent your contribution to your daughters upbringing is so much more than how you feed her. Good luck with whatever you decide and well done for getting through everything you have had to thisfar.

Indith Tue 28-Jun-11 22:24:09

You have done a fantastic job. Bf for that long is hard enough when feeding goes well, to have continued to do so through numerous problems is amazing and you should be proud of what you have done.

I think that, ersonally speaking, the 7 month mark is a low point, solids makes yu long for the freedom of not always having to be around yet they still feed too much to be able to leave for long. It does get better over the next few months as solids increase.

If you want to stop then do so, it isn't failure and you shouldn't feel guilty. Your dh isn't trying to be dismissive, I just don't think that men every really understand the emotional turmoil that can go with a decision like that.

Does she take a bottle? How do you think stopping would go? It sounds like she is very much attached to you and you wuld do well to talk to someone who has gone through that process as to how best to do it so as not to cause you pain, mastitis etc and to not cause her too much distress in the loss of her comfort. I would guess that trying to introduce a dummy or a comfort blanket would be a good option, perhaps have a teddy or blanket that you give her ot hold while feeding may help her to start finding comfort in it and ease a transition.

It is a decision only you can make but please, don't feel guilty or to blame for stopping should you do so. You've done a fantastic job. If you want to continue and have somewhere to get RL support then sorting out your latch is still a possiblity at this stage though I understand if you have exhausted all RL support in your area. Mix feeding is also another possibility which would at east give you some space and the ability to leave her. Since you are past teh weaning stage then there is no need ot feel guilty about giving something other than bm.

All the best with whatever you decide. I am sure someone will be able to give more advice on how to go about weaning from breasat to bottle.

chloeb2002 Tue 28-Jun-11 22:26:04

give yourself a huge pat on the back.. dd is 7 months so its not the end of the world if she now has formula.. I felt very similar with dc 1 and 2... and have similar feelings now with dd being 5 months and me heading back to work! a friend suggested she picked up some formula.. she was tryig to comfort me as i was concerned i didnt have enough ebm... but i think i was less than subtle in response!
However i am luck as i managed to pull some extra off and freeze it.... no ive not been out and left her yet! but i figure if im busy at work i will be distracted enough to get through the day and i know she will be just fine! once they are on solids they are allready getting other stuff so please dont be too hard on yourself! have a day out and enjoy yourself... i suspect you may come back with rock solid boobs! thast normaly my problem even wnen i express and first go back! my dc's are constanat feeders and suckers and i cannot do that at work!

OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jun-11 22:26:28

I hadn't thought of mixed feeding. I'm just utterly drained sad

TittyBojangles Tue 28-Jun-11 22:26:56

sad

I can't give you any useful advice, but wanted to post my sympathy. My DS is nearly 8 mo and I know they are all different yada yada yada but it has really helped me to have my DH take him off for 3 hours or so on a weekend so I can relax, have an uninterrupted bath, read a magazine, sleep or whatever. Is there no chance your DD could manage away from you for a couple of hours? Just to give you a break.

You know you shouldn't feel guilty about thinking about stopping. I'm sure you will have told plenty of women the same. I know what you mean about your feelings towards formula though.

OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jun-11 22:27:46

She only sleeps ON me.

I'm the only one that can feed her anything including solids

Chottie Tue 28-Jun-11 22:30:35

Bottle feeding is not a sign of failure. I can promise you in later life very few people will ask your daughter whether or not she was breast fed. You are doing a great job, please, please do not beat yourself up.

Do what suits you and your daughter. You are her mum and know her better than anyone else. If anyone questions your decisions, just tell them to MTOB.

TCOB Tue 28-Jun-11 22:31:48

only I followed the birth story of your DD2! Wondered if you would namechange after her smile.

You've dona an amazing brilliant thing for your DD2 - I'm a massive BF fan but not sure I would have made it through the way you have to 7 months with all those issues to contend with. Shame your DP doesn't 'get' it - but then again you didn't do it for him, you did it for DD, and she will reap the benefits for ever.

Have you considered (hushed tones) mixed feeding? It wasn't for me but wished to God I'd done it with DS instead of cold turkey at 6mos. Have seen loads of mums and babies do really well with it.

OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jun-11 22:33:52

How do I give her a comforter? She won't even take a dummy any more. God she's a limpet. She's either on me or crying.

Indith Tue 28-Jun-11 22:37:09

Oh it is hard, it is so hard. I do understand that drained feeling and the feeling of needing to be there. I was always scared of dh going out with the dcs incase they needed me. Thing is, they generally didn't, and if they had a bit of a scream well they were with their daddy and through doing it he learned to settle them and they got to know him better and accept comfort from him.

Always having her with you is great, it is wonderful and I am full of admiration for anyone who parents in this but it is OK to need a break and OK to want out. It is OK to be a bit selfish sometimes.

You can leave her with your dp for a bit. You can feed her, get himt o put her in pushchair or sling and take her for a walk. She will be ok, she will survive and she will probably settle down and have a snooze.

Dd was permanently attached, a terrible feeder and cause no end of heartache. I left her for a full day when she was 5 months (training session). She took the bottles fine, she didn't take all that much and fed like a maniac when I got home but she was fine, she was happy, she spend the day with her daddy and they rubbed along just fine. Yes that was my baby and yours is different, I just wanted to say it is possible. If you are so drained you just want to stop feeding then you need a break. You need that break so you can relax a bit and have the chance to clear your head and take stock of what you want rather than rushing into stopping and regretting it or just keeping on like you are because you can't imagine how it would work to do things differently.

kalo12 Tue 28-Jun-11 22:37:18

well firstly let me say congratulations. I know how you feel. I bfed for 22 months with severe PND. My ds was dairy intolerant, would not take any kind of formula and would not eat anything really til about 10-11 months and was very underweight, poor sleeper, co-sleeper, using me as a dummy as you describe. It did get me down but I had no choice as dh was at work eery day and night from 6am till 12.30 am.

Now i must say ds is a very easy toddler compared to his peers, rarely ill so i can see the benefits.

I did dr jays night weaning (but a gentler version) at 15 months. bribed him off my nipples with choc buttons at about 19 months.

remember benefits of breastfeeding are continuing in the long term, so maybe you could do mixed feeding of formula and breast til you are just continuing the favourite feeds for both of you.

you have already breast fed for a long time so you have nothing to feel guilty about, and even if you go out for the day and then decide you want to continue bfing you will still be able to. you don't need to do one thing or the other, find a compromise that works for you. everyone says consistency is the key but ime going with the flow and doing what you want is fine too.

Indith Tue 28-Jun-11 22:41:31

I got dd attached to her lion by having it with us when we fed, I tucked it into my bra, I gave it to her when feeding, I gave it to her when she cried and I cuddled her. When she was sleeping and rooting around for something to suck but had just fed I popped her thumb in her mouth which usually just pissed her off grin. However, she is at 2 and a half a dedicated thumb sucker who drags a mucky lion around everywhere with her. Still does't fecking sleep though so I am off to bed now. Hope you get the chance ot gather your thoughts and work out what is best for YOU. You've already done the best thing you could do for dd smile

OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jun-11 22:43:11

I think I'd like to still feed her but I'd like some space.

some support would be nice

I'm feeding her at about 5am til 7am

Then mid morning, after lunch, mid afternoon, 5,30 then 7 then 9 then 1 ISH

PotPourri Tue 28-Jun-11 22:44:07

Sounds like my DS. Personally, I think he would have been worse if he had been on a bottle - but maybe that was me telling myself that due to reflux problems I had with 2 of my earlier children (who were formula fed from 6 weeks). The whole limpet thing sounds just like him - it's great to be so important to them, but it is absolutely exhausting.

BUT, I am a firm believer in doing what is right for you. It really would not kill either of you to have a feed or even two off (you might be fit to burst mind you, but get a handheld pump and express some off). After a short rest, you might find a new energy. Or you might find that you would like to mixed feed.

Take your time with the decision. You can drop a feed at a time, it doesn't need to be tomorrow - wham. And be kind to yourself - you've done an amazing job overcoming all those problems. This time will pass and you will be so proud of what you did (if you take your time to do what really is best for you - which only you know).

All the best

PotPourri Tue 28-Jun-11 22:47:38

Are you co-sleeping btw? That is the only thing that kept my sanity as I was feeding through the night too, and it's so hard when you need to actually get up. When I look at how strict I was with my other children on that front, and then it all went to pot with this one (now 16 months) due to the bf!

Now, I look back wtih fond memories of that snuggling sleeping thing (only stopped about 3 months ago). He doesn't co sleep now, well, with us (he's in a flaming dormitory now with his older brothers and sisters!)

OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jun-11 23:00:51

Yes co sleeping but she's such a fitful sleeper my nipple HAS to be in her mouth.

By contemplating bottle feeding I feel like im shirking my job as a mum.

With dd1 I bottle fed from 6 weeks and by this time she was sleeping through and had a "pattern" so I kinda knew what I was doing. I feel like I'm floundering. I hate it sad

I will start by introducing a teddy intact I'm going to find one and shove it in my top now grin

DP has really fucking annoyed me and I'm in a grump poor bloke. He is planning on going to a stag do in Swansea the night before my birthday - we live in east anglia btw!! Which means he won't be here the morning of my birthday and when he does get home he will be stinking and hungover sad I'm being over precious aren't I?? He never makes any plans for us to do stuff sad oh fuck maybe I need to see my GP maybe I've got pnd again sad

OnlyWantsOne Wed 29-Jun-11 07:13:35

Bump

CJMommy Wed 29-Jun-11 07:39:11

My DD is 6 months and I'm back at work very soon so decided to introduce formula during the day as don't want to be expressing at work. Initially felt very guilty but mixed feeding is going well and allows me some time to myself too. She currently has two bottles a day and the rest bf. I'm introducing a bottle a week until I'm only bf feeding her morning and evening.

We had a really difficult start- was TT for first 11 weeks until diagnosed and DD has pretty much fed continuously from birth.

What we are doing now works for us-you need to find what works for you., without the guilt, because you will do what is best for YOU and your DD

Take care

Indith Wed 29-Jun-11 08:16:45

See your GP, there is no harm in it, If you feel you may have pnd again then you can get help.

Do you feel like your are floundering due ot the lack of a pattern or routine? Would it help you to write down her feeds and sleeps? That way you can try to see if there is a pattern, or perhaps break the comfort sucking pattern a bit by being able to see when she fed and know she isn't hungry rather than memory being all hazy and not being sure so you latch her on anyway.

When you bottle fed your dd1 were you shirking your job as a mum? Of course not, you took care of her, you saw she was fed. If you do decide to introduce a bottle for dd2 either just one or 2 a day to mix feed of to fully bottle feed then you will not be shirking either.

Sorry you are annoyed at dp. Maybe make sure that heknows that your birthday is not cancelled, just postponed untilt he next weekend and you expect some time off and something nice to do!

I get annoyed at dh too about not doing things, I've found that it has to come from me. Of course I spend the week thinking of things to do with the dcs and while I really want to do something as a family at the weekend I don't want to think of it. But dh has spent the week at work so is happy to just hang out at home all weekend and it doesn't cross his mind to plan something. I've drawn up a big list of things t o do in our area from free things like all the big parks around and the free museums to more expensive days out. It helps jog our memory and I can say on a Friday night "lets do something" and we have the list to pick from instead of failing miserably to think of anything.

NotQuiteCockney Wed 29-Jun-11 08:20:06

Being a BfN supporter doesn't mean you can't call the helpline, or talk to your supervisor about this! People who help others with BFing don't lose their right to help, themselves.

OnlyWantsOne Wed 29-Jun-11 08:59:31

Doing the best for my baby is breast feeding isnt it? But I dont want to any more, makes me feel selfish.

I dont think im seeing things rationally etc any more sad

Cosmosis Wed 29-Jun-11 09:04:47

Tbh it sounds to me like the feeding isn’t the problem, it’s the sleeping. Have you thought about moving her to her own room to try to sort out the sleeping issues? It will probably mean some really hard work, as she will not like the change, but it doesn’t have to mean CC or anything, and you may well find it worth the effort.

My DS was a terrible sleeper till he went into his own room at about 7.5m. He would feed to sleep, and go into his basket, and then once we went to bed, he would wake up and just refuse to be put down, he’d want to sleep latched on. We had to sort it as I was back at work and about to go ft. We moved him to his own room and DH would go in when he woke unless I was going to feed) we decided one night feed was all he needed was he was having plenty of solids as well as milk in the day). He quite quickly only started waking a couple of times a night.

Can you express? That would give you some more options for leaving her and having a bit of me time as well.

OnlyWantsOne Wed 29-Jun-11 09:07:45

I cant express, three different types of pump etc

she is in her own room - about 2 weeks ago, she feeds about 7.15 and goes to sleep and i put her in her cot and she drifts off - but then wakes 20 minutes later and seems fully recharged

Indith Wed 29-Jun-11 09:12:00

Yes, bf is the best thing for your baby. However, when do you give up? When is it ok to not feel guilty? Should we all keep feeding until they self wean? Afterall the benefits continue past 10 months, a year, 18 months, 2 years.....If it is making you miserable then ultimately, it will be affecting the way you are around her. If you want to stop then you can. Nobody is forcing you to continue except yourself. Equally, nobody is forcing you to stop and there are suggestions on here about continuing while giving yourself a break too. Stopping bf is not going to harm her, it is not going to undo all the good that you have done by feeding her so far.

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