Hold my hand - again?

[narmada]

I posted on here a few weeks ago as was desparate to BF my son, now 8 weeks. Had lots of problems getting going - tongue tie, reflux, baby with small tongue, me with huge anxiety carryover from it all going wrong with my DD 2 years ago.

And then...after 5 weeks of caring for my very unsettled refluxy baby (now thankfully on meds) I developed hideous postnatal depression and had a sort of mini-breakdown, became pretty much unable to care for DS on my own and had to hand care (and feeds) over to my DP and mum. So DS is now on formula. It all happened so fast. I have now been on meds for 3 weeks and just gradually starting to feel better but feeling so sad that BF is over for us.

I know all about relactation as I did this succesfully with my DD at 8 weeks, but I don't think it's an option this time. It's such a huge commitment - been there - and I just don't think it's feasible with such an unsettled baby and a busy, demanding toddler.

I don't know what I'm asking really, just wanted to post. Went to shops today and saw all these BF women around me and it made me feel so

[Podster]

Happy mummy, happy baby. There is so much more to parenting than how you feed your baby. Don't be so hard on yourself :(

[Hattie05]

What seems so very important right now, will be insignificant as time goes by. As you pass more milestones with your children these issues fade into the background.

Your son needs a healthy mummy - thats all. He's happy to be fed whatever way it comes. Don't beat yourself up. Focus on all the postives that you are doing for your children and what a wonderful parent you are!

Keep talking - talk to anyone who will listen. It kept me out of my black hole when i was there.

xx

[BollocksToThis]

Oh narmada I'm so sorry you feel this way. You are under huge pressure my love, with a really tough baby. Be kind to yourself. I sincerely hope the dark days are behind you now and you can start to enjoy your little family properly really soon.

[Lynzjam]

Oh my heart goes out to you it really does. You sound like a wonderful mummy to me!

Sounds like you have good support from your family?

[narmada]

Thanks everyone for posting. It means a lot, even though you are (relative) strangers! I feel OK about it most of the time, and especially when my DH (who is brilliant) volunteers to do a night shift . I know I will continue to feel guilty but I also know that as time goes on it will fade into total insignificance. BF was such a big deal to me with DD and also with DS. But I know in my heart he won't hate me because he didn't get what his sister got.......

[crikeybadger]

Oh you poor thing narmada- that's a really sad thing to happen.

We do put a lot of pressure on ourselves to breastfeed and I know that you tried really hard to make it work for you in the early weeks.

Glad you've got the PND under control with meds, maybe talking to one of the bfing helplines would be a good idea for some support ?

Take care

[Haribojoe]

Feeling for you, went through the same thing with DS1.

The most important thing is that you are well so that you can be a good mum to your DC (which you obviously are). How they are fed is secondary to this.

Sounds like your DH is being fab.

Thinking of you

[narmada]

Oh god, my DH is brilliant, yes. Thanks for the support lynzjam and haribojoe. Sorry you went through it too.

It is sad, Crikey; I got so much help on these boards and it was going OK for a while. I now realise that lots of the feedling challenges we encountered early on were not because I was crap at it but because nature was making it a bit difficult - the reflux is really significant and made feeding a nightmare; the bubble palate and tongue tie didn't help either.

I could give the lines a ring. I am fairly sure it would not be wise for me to attempt relactation this time as I need to get properly better myself, and that means relying on other people's help. But they may be able to give me some other practical support I am guessing.

[narmada]

ok, having spoken to DH about things, we have decided that i will see how things are in mid jan. if things are much better -eg if DS reflux more under control and me more stable, then i may think about relactation then. DS would still only be 3 months old so may take the breast again. my dd did no probs at 9 weeks - not a sniff of nipple preference - altho know that's no guarantee he will be the same. BF is v v important to me, but not at thge expense of the rest of the family's welfare or my own mental health.

[sproutpudding]

narmada best of luck with that, and in the mean time I hope you feel better. It sounds as if you've had a horrible time.

[narmada]

I sound ridiculous, I know - but it really is so important to me and if I'm honest, I really dislike FF because of the hassle factor as much as anything else. Cracked hands from washing all the bloody bottles, lack of sponteneity in trips out, lack of ready soothing mechanisms for baby who is crying (brought home to me forcefully yesterday by DS screaming his head off for a full half-hour in the doctors surgery while awaiting jabs) ....and I will never forget the one particularly unpleasant incident when my DD was still on formula and we were at an airport with a 5 hour delay. And not enough bottles. Hideous.

But I appreciate FF does have its advantages...

[crikeybadger]

That sounds like a good plan to wait till January narmada.

See how you feel then - like you say, you've done it before, so you know the score with relactation.