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DH wants me to stop bf

(198 Posts)
TheBigZing Wed 01-Dec-10 23:41:35

He has been very supportive of my decision to bf, even when I found it extremely difficult in the early days. He was supportive when I didn't want to stop at 6 months.

He made hmm faces when I continued after one year, but soon got used to it, although he is very uncomfortable about me bf a toddler in public.

Now dd is 2.3 years and I can still see no reason to stop. I'm back at work full time now, dh is a sahd. The first thing my dd wants when I get home from work is bf. It's how we reconnect after a day apart. I love it; she loves it. It also helps her to fall asleep, comforts her when she is upset / hurt / off colour, and helps stave off hunger when she is waiting for a meal. And all that's apart from the nutritional benefits that I still believe she gets from it.

Apparently she never asks for bf when I'm at work so it doesn't cause dh any problems when I'm not around.

But dh keeps asking when I'm going to stop and says he thinks 'it's time'. He says she doesn't need it and it's wrong that it's the first thing she wants when I walk through the door after work - he says it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem.

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it.

I do think about it from time to time but in truth don't feel it's time to stop - mainly because dd is soooo not ready to stop.

Dh is her main carer just now and i don't think I should just totally disregard his opinion. But it's me doing the bf, and I basically want to tell him to fuck off (but haven't of course) What would you do?

quietlysuggests Wed 01-Dec-10 23:54:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot Wed 01-Dec-10 23:58:48

I'd probably tell him to fuck off blush

Though seriously - if you are happy to continue, DD wants to continue, and she is not asking him for milk all day, I fail to see why it is a bother for him?

Think you need to sit down and discuss it properly, say that there are still a lot of benefits (the ones you have listed, plus so many health benefits) that both she and you are continuing to get from breastfeeding, and that for now you want to continue, and would appreciate his support with this decision.

Sorry this has put you in such an awkward position

snugglepops Thu 02-Dec-10 00:02:44

I mean why? I don't get it really. I think it is wonderful if you still bf.

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:04:41

hmm@quietly

What Bob said.

DD is 22 mo and still bf. She likes it, I like it, it's our special time together, but most importantly,it has lots of health benefits. I have no intention of stopping til she wants to. It doesn't cause anyone any problems, makes DD happy.

It sounds like your DH is jealous of this bond- but the answer is not for you to stop, but for him to realise that it's not threatening to him.

Maybe throw some bf literaure at him?

ChippingIn Thu 02-Dec-10 00:05:54

Sorry, but I agree with 'quietlysuggests' and your DH.

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:07:18

And quietly, comparing bf milk (which is very good for a child) to a chocolate (which is not so good) is beyond ridiculous.

It's not making his job harder.

It's not excluding him, except for a few moments few times a day. So what?

FFS.

ChippingIn Thu 02-Dec-10 00:09:43

Winny - no need for the hmm we are all entitled to our opinion - not only those who agree with you.

I think extended bf is all about 'special time' for the mother and isn't at all about the child. BF at that age is not necessary.

Is is causing someone a problem - it is causing her husband and her child a problem. The child sees this as the only way she is comforted when sick and he is at home (as her primary carer) unable to do this for her - then suddenly Magic Mummy appears to rescue her from Defective Dad.

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:10:33

Why, ChippingIn?

Because OP's dh cannot deal with his daughter asking his mum for a bf?

So the mum and child should stop something they both like and which has health benefits for both of them just because he's being immature?

ChippingIn Thu 02-Dec-10 00:10:40

It is not ridiculous - it is a reasonable comparison - both are an emotional treat - that is all.

ChippingIn Thu 02-Dec-10 00:11:17

Don't bother to read my post will you Winny - just reply off your cuff.

ChippingIn Thu 02-Dec-10 00:11:54

The child sees this as the only way she is comforted when sick and he is at home (as her primary carer) unable to do this for her - then suddenly Magic Mummy appears to rescue her from Defective Dad

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:12:54

x-post.

No, it is not necessary. However, you will find AAP, WHO and lots of other people who know a lot about this subject, recommending breastfeeding for as long as both the child and the mother want to.

That is because there are tangible health benefits to extended breastfeeding.

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:15:34

second x-post grin

I did read your post.

I see what you mean, but I am sure her father is able to comfort her when OP is at work. OP said her dd doesn't ask for bm when op's away.

TheBigZing Thu 02-Dec-10 00:19:34

Chipping in - i genuinely appreciate your comments and you have indeed made me think more clearly about how my dh might be feeling.

However I do take issue with a couple of your points:

Breast milkisn't just an 'emotional treat' or just for comfort. There are other physiological benefits too.

I also strongly disagree with your assertion that extended bf is all about the mother and not at all about the child. Basically, I have neither encouraged or discouraged my child to bf. She has chosen to continue. I do not offer my milk. She asks for it.

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:21:07

So I think it would be wrong to stop something that's good for the child (see above re AAP etc) just because dad gets jealous when dd wants something only a mother can provide.

Btw I am not a militantly pro bf- not at all, I think if a mother doesn't want to do it from the beginning or wants to stop early, fine. But here, in this set up, it seems unnecessary to stop just to make op's dh feel better (because he doesn't have a reason to be pissed off, does he?).

PamelaFlitton Thu 02-Dec-10 00:23:24

Completely subjectively, I would stop if my husband wanted me to and it was past 6 months. But then I am not the extended breastfeeding sort, and I wouldn't have carried on for as long as you have, and that's probably clouding my judgement. I think you are right that he should get some say, as he is her full-time carer, but it has only been the past couple of days that he has been narked about it. He probably won't be so bothered by next week. Maybe find out exactly what it is that bothers him, because that's not clear.

ShanahansRevenge Thu 02-Dec-10 00:27:30

Sorry but I'm with chippingin...it seems that your DH is upse by it because it could undermine what he does during the day with DD in terms of managing her emotions...and that is a BIG part of bringing up a toddler and being with them all day long.

He hasnt got any boobs so he can't "fix" things in the way you do...and I also agree that the "special time" thing does seem mostly for the Mother in that she may fel indespensable again.

What's wrong with a cuddle and a story?

What does DH do when DD falls over, gets tired or hungry and you're not there? I should imagine he does things perfectly well.

ShanahansRevenge Thu 02-Dec-10 00:28:45

Out of curiosity what are the other benefits OP? No hidden ageda...just want to know.

thesecondcoming Thu 02-Dec-10 00:29:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:32:55

here

Health benefits. For the child and for the mother.

No, it is not all about the mother wanting to feel indispensable.

TheBigZing Thu 02-Dec-10 00:37:15

Shanahansrevenge - yes he does manage perfectly well when I'm not there. It would surely be much more of a problem if he couldn't comfort or feed her by himself? Therefore the bf isn't causing him a problem - at least that's how I see it.

Benefits of extended breastfeeding include less illnesses, fewer allergies and lots more -- all backed up by studies in the link.

SirBoobAlot Thu 02-Dec-10 00:37:47

Benefits of extended breastfeeding.

Shanahans - if you're saying this is purely "special time", if it was the other way round, and a mother was getting upset by a fathers cuddle and a story (seeing as there is nothing wrong with that...) would you be saying to him that he must stop? Or would you be saying to him that his wife may be feeling insecure, and that there was more to this than just a story issue.

Pamela - I'm shocked that you would just stop if asked.

Chipping - we normally get on rather well my lovely (grin) but on this issue we shall have to disagree. There are so many benefits for mother and child, its never simply a case of carrying on because the mother wants to. If for nothing else, can you imagine trying to force a toddler to feed?!

RobynLou Thu 02-Dec-10 00:37:51

If your DD wanted to stop then that would be a good reason.
If you wanted to stop that would be a good reason.
If you feeding DD was causing insurmountable problem for your DH when you weren't around that would be a good reason.

As it is, you want to continue, DD wants to continue, and it causes no problems for DH when you're not around. No reason to stop imo.

I'm 7 months pg with DC2, still feeding DD aged 3.5. If DH asked me to stop I would ask for his reasons, they would have to be pretty major things for me to consider weaning DD at this point.

winnybella Thu 02-Dec-10 00:38:01

'Breastfeeding your child past infancy is NORMAL

* The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that "Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child... Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother... There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer." (AAP 2005)

* The American Academy of Family Physicians recommends that breastfeeding continue throughout the first year of life and that "As recommended by the WHO, breastfeeding should ideally continue beyond infancy, but this is not the cultural norm in the United States and requires ongoing support and encouragement. It has been estimated that a natural weaning age for humans is between two and seven years. Family physicians should be knowledgeable regarding the ongoing benefits to the child of extended breastfeeding, including continued immune protection, better social adjustment, and having a sustainable food source in times of emergency. The longer women breastfeed, the greater the decrease in their risk of breast cancer." They also note that "If the child is younger than two years of age, the child is at increased risk of illness if weaned." (AAFP 2008)

* A US Surgeon General has stated that it is a lucky baby who continues to nurse until age two. (Novello 1990)

* The World Health Organization emphasizes the importance of nursing up to two years of age or beyond (WHO 1993, WHO 2002).

* Scientific research by Katherine A. Dettwyler, PhD shows that 2.5 to 7.0 years of nursing is what our children have been designed to expect (Dettwyler 1995).

That's just if you don't feel like reading my link above, which mentions less illness, better social adjustment, less allergies etc etc and decreased risk of various cancers for the mother.'

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