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why does ds only feeding lying down make me want to give him formula? bit desperate.

(23 Posts)
Heathcliffscathy Thu 25-Nov-10 22:06:03

I've tried really hard not to make rods for my back blah blah but here I am, ds is 17 weeks old and for the last 2 days will only sleep lying down with me lying down too and won't take a bottle.

I am so depressed by this. I had a 40 minute to do with him this afternoon, trying to get him to feed with me sitting up, he just wouldn't have it: arching back, screaming head off, mouth clamped shut. as soon as I gave in (with heavy heart) and lay down with him (as we feed at night, and sometimes during the day, which is how he's got into it) he fed loads.

also he won't take a bottle which he used to.

it makes me feel like trying to do a bottle of formula given by dh at last feed before bedtime as I just feel my life closing in even further (feel strapped to the sofa, sorry bed now breastfeeding as it is)...what am i going to do if I can't get him to take abottle? nevermind only feeding lying down. i'm not going to be able to go out for more than 3 hours during the day, and not ever be able to leave the house earlier than 7.30 in the evening.

i don't know what to do.

i know my threadtitle makes no sense, but i'm not really making any in my own head at the moment.

breastfeeding is lovely but it is hard, it really is.

SirBoobAlot Thu 25-Nov-10 22:11:42

It is hard, but having a baby in general is hard There are challenges at every step of the way, and from what I have heard from various people, this is quite common.

Have you tried starting to feed him laying down, then gradually sitting up bit by bit with him? It will kill your back for a bit, but it worked with DS!

beansprout Thu 25-Nov-10 22:14:11

It really is hard, and there are times when it feels impossible but they do pass. IIRC, there is a difficult time around 16/17 weeks - growth spurt, some such and just as we think we can't take any more, they move on.

Please take care of yourself in the mean time and do what you can to make the time you are on the bed or sofa, as comfortable or interesting (read/listen/play game on your phone etc etc) as possible.

They do go off bottles and then go back on to them so don't worry about that as a permanent thing.

I'm not sure what I am saying really other than hang on in there, you are doing an amazing thing and it's hard (I remember that feeling trapped feeling and boy is it horrible) but it will pass. smile

Heathcliffscathy Thu 25-Nov-10 22:25:12

beansprout your post has made me tearful. thank you both so much.

just struggling last two days, he's really unsettled, nothing seems to be going smoothly and the last straw is this lying down/no bottle combo.

he is absolutely adorable, but i just feel like i'm choosing the hard way. everyone else in my nct group is doing mixed feeding to different extents. i dont' know if that is helping, but i know with ds1 (now 7 y o!!) we mixed fed (a la baby whisperer) from about 4 months and it meant that dh could pick up the slack and it wasn't always on me.

can someone tell me why it's better not to, right now i'm not thinking straight and i'm sure back in the mists there was a reason i decided to ebf for 6 months. can't believe i've got 10 weeks to go. feels interminable.

SirBoobAlot Thu 25-Nov-10 23:18:29

You feel that way now, but seriously you will blink, and wake up one day, and he will be six months - that was how it was here, anyway!

The health benefits of EBF are immense. I'm hesitant to list them, because I don't know if you're looking for reinforcement to continue or "permission" to start mix feeding?

Heathcliffscathy Thu 25-Nov-10 23:27:56

list away. i need some encouragement to keep going tbh.

i need to really be in touch with the major benefit to ds of me continuing with the exclusive bit. no question of me stopping breastfeeding altogether.

SirBoobAlot Thu 25-Nov-10 23:42:36

Okay then <rolls up sleeves> wink

This is a site mainly aimed at developing countries, but the facts are the same.

Babycenter have a great amount of information, there's quite a lot to read, but well put.

A wiki link that is actually very good.

Some of these may help put your mind at ease a bit.

I can't find the exact fact sheet I was looking for, and its irritating me no end. But hope these help a bit.

You're doing great, you really are. I remember thinking "How the hell am I going to manage the next week, let alone the next few months?" when DS was being similarly unhelpful. We've been going for just over a year now. Its a nightmare when its happening, but I actually miss EBF at times now blush shock

Goingspare Thu 25-Nov-10 23:47:48

My DD2 did this too at a similar age - I could barely leave the house with her, and had to take her up to bed to feed. Not always easy with a 2 year-old around. She also flatly refused a bottle.

The only thing that kept me going was that having an older child, I knew that bizarre phases do pass, and that I'd laugh about it eventually (ho ho). This particular foolishness passed between 5 & 6 months and I carried on bfing her until she was 16 months.

The whole episode only lasted a few weeks, but it was very hard. I have no helpful advice, as I failed to solve the problem until she decided to move on, so I can only offer empathy.

She is 10 now, and I don't think she's ever been quite so annoying since.

Heathcliffscathy Fri 26-Nov-10 00:04:47

thanks for all of that. i guess the biggie is allergies.

will just try to keep going one day at a time.

maybe tomorrow will be better. am very relieved to read on another thread that a teething baby is refusing to feed except when lying down. that could be it?

he is definitely teething like a demon: saliva non-stop, one or both cheeks red patch, chewing fingers constantly, looks happy when i rub teething stuff into gums.

blackcurrants Fri 26-Nov-10 02:21:38

Sophable!

[clings to a fellow-struggler]

Anywhere else - the sofa, the chair I practically LIVED in when he was a newborn - on the feeding pillow, on my lap with me sitting cross-legged, on a normal pillow - ANYWHERE else is no good. Only lying down. And then he conks out, the little nap-dodger. I think he's absolutely knackered from being miserable and sore, the poor little bugger darling.

It's crap, isn't it? If it helps, he takes a bottle 3 days a week cos he's in nursery (had to go back to work - v.sad) and would he take one from DH on Wed while I nipped to town for a meeting? Would he heck. Took a bit then just screamed.

LOTS of screaming going on here. I am just grinning and bearing it until monday (next day in nursery) - when he'll have to take a bottle. Knowing him, the teething will subside, or something else cool will happen, and he'll be back to feeding wherever I so much as suggest I'm going to unhook my bra.

Fingers crossed for us both!

BaggedandTagged Fri 26-Nov-10 11:16:55

have you tried a Brest friend? A friend of mine had a similar issue to you (albeit with a younger baby) and the Brest friend sorted it- made the baby feed with her sitting up. She thinks it's because the baby liked being on a firm non-moving surface to feed and could be completely horizontal.

BUT they're not very portable so doesnt help if your real issue is that you want to feed out of the house.

blackcurrants Fri 26-Nov-10 14:14:49

Dunno about sophable, but the My Brest Friend is my usual feeding setup (over here in the US everyone has a feeding pillow of some sort, cos of rampant consumerism )
DS isn't having it. Lying down or nothing. I think might be something to do with the teething. I do hope so, it's not very social having to nip off to the bedroom, I'd sooner be watching telly

bunnyfrance Fri 26-Nov-10 14:48:31

Try and hang in there. Believe me, in a few months time you'll be looking back with nostalgia to the days when all you had to do was lie around in bed, especially if you don't have any other DCs to look after. I dream of the days of 40-minute feeds whilst watching DVDs, reading books, snoozing...now it's more like 2 minutes of biting, clawing, kicking and that's it.

You're doing the best you can for your baby.

Heathcliffscathy Fri 26-Nov-10 16:14:51

god blackcurrant it is shite isn't it?

today, i took the advice on this thread and slowly (with much back pain) sat up as i was feeding him. sort of worked, but he was at the end of the feed and so didn't last long.

he won't nap in his room. he won't sleep for more than half an hour. he is knackered and has those red starey eyes.

I left him to cry (god forgive me) as this has worked and he's settled historically. nothing doing today...just raised pitch until I went running.

i know it's shit, but my parents are coming to stay in two weeks, and if i don't get my shit together before they come all bets are off as it will be a neverending round of them holding the baby and walking it round to sleep. we'll never recover!

am very depressed by this. he took a bit of bottle from dh earlier but then refused until I dashed back from the shops.

i feel like a prisoner in my own home!

blackcurrants Fri 26-Nov-10 23:20:05

Oh Sophable! sad

We had that day yesterday - he wouldn't feed to sleep on the bed, even, and nap there - too busy crying. Eventually DH walked him around town in the carrier until he slept - for two hours, once midmorning and once midafternoon... the dog loved it, but as you say, it's not sustainable.

Happily today is a bit calmer - we even managed one feed in the chair - and he fed-to-sleep on the bed for all three of his naps. Such a relief! I hope tomorrow is better for you - might be that the storm has run it's course.

Best of luck!

awakenings Fri 26-Nov-10 23:41:26

Message withdrawn

ClimberChick Sat 27-Nov-10 06:39:03

Just another voice saying I also was at my wits end at 16/17 weeks, but then it kinda clicked again. I remember coming on MN having a little cry, thinking it wasn't sustainable (not my finest hour).

Just take each day as it comes, and don't take it personally.

Heathcliffscathy Sat 27-Nov-10 13:30:30

thanks all for the support.

i (after a lot of crying with me next to the cot in the room and a bit of rocking) got him to sleep for half an hour in his cot today.

also he fed a tiny bit sitting but still had his full feed lying down.

it's been over two hours since last nap. shall i wait for tiredness signs or another half hour before trying for nap again.

might well listen to radio 4 near his room as I'm sure the sound of voices calms him.

he's rolling like a loon today...he is so sweet!

feeling bit more human. last night he only fed once at 4am (between 7 and 8.30am) so that was great.

blackcurrants Sat 27-Nov-10 15:46:28

ooh that IS good
envy I just read some stuff about teething from the 'what to expect the first year' book that someone gave me, and 'inconsistent' breastfeeding is apparently very common (DS has been latching on, sucking a bit, popping off (OUCH!) staring around, then latching on again. Apparently having something in their mouth makes them feel better, but then the sucking can make it sore, so they stop. And start again... bugger for us, but normal. Ditto feeding lying down, apparently it's less work for them to manage it there.

And the rolling - DS is trying so hard but not managing it - another developmental leap that's going to make them a bit bonkers... oh well, who needs sleep, eh?

Heathcliffscathy Sat 27-Nov-10 15:57:09

really useful to know blackcurrants! the more i can normalise what he's doing the less i panic about rods for backs etc etc

blackcurrants Mon 29-Nov-10 00:06:07

to be honest, Soph, the more I hear of 'rods for own backs' etc, the less I trust the premise. My mum's a big one for this: baby should be in own room (nope) fed on a schedule (hells nope) and left to cry a bit to get used to it (can I hear a FUCK NO?) and above all never in the mother's bed (uhhmmm not if it means I get more sleep) or you're 'making a rod for your own back.'

I love my mum VERY much and I admire how she raised her kids, but to be honest, I don't know any people who were breastfed on demand, slept with, picked up when upset etc who STILL NEEDED THAT KIND OF ATTENTION AT UNIVERSITY.

I know, I'm being ridiculous, but deliberately so. The Rod-for-own-back thing is ridiculous. And so "You'll still be breastfeeding/co-sleeping/coddling him when he goes to college! ho ho ho!" gets a long, slow look and a "I doubt it" from me. Maybe - just maybe, the way I'm parenting DS will make him want me a bit more at night for the next couple of years. (I'm working on that not being the case - hello, N.C.S.Solution!) But in the long haul, it's such a short period of his life. It's not like he'll be a baby forever. And I want him to be a secure, bumptious three year old who absolutely wants his own bed and own way of doing things - of course I want him to be independent - I just don't think that he can learn that stuff yet. He's too little. Right now he needs comfort and security - that is where independence comes from. I think this 'rod for own back' business is just another way of being judgy about someone else's parenting.

aaaaaah I think I ranted - I wasn't ranting at you, of course, just ranting near you! Can you tell I've had a "is he sleeping through the night yet?" conversation with my mum?! grin

DS still teething but fed twice in the chair today, so things are improving. How're you getting on?

Heathcliffscathy Mon 29-Nov-10 00:14:28

i think he has a molar coming through (ffs!).

that's no fair as a first tooth right?

he still won't feed sitting up. he will settle within a few seconds (bit of a whimper then gone) in his cot for a nap but will NOT sleep longer than one sleep cycle.

I'm not as big a woman as you, i don't want him in my room for more than 6 months (the advice was different and ds1 was in his at 3mnths 7 years ago), i can't co-sleep with him (i get a major cricked neck). i want him to be happy to nap in his own room so that when i move him he's already used to it.

haven't even tried a bottle of expressed milk today.

i am totally with you wrt independence coming through a sense of total security. i do let him cry a little at bedtime (when i pick him up he still cries, and i figure that he is so so tired that he is winding down).

my trouble is i'm half lentil weaver and half regulator and that's crap as i have no courage of my convictions either way...poor sod.

he is a very very smiley giggly baby and i should probably just take him to bed and fuck the rest. but then my regulator kicks in and wants a routine.

i feed on demand, for sure. oh god. i think i'm probably fucking up bigtime.

i'm SO tired. and i should go to bed.

blackcurrants Mon 29-Nov-10 02:03:09

Oh, I'm not that big a woman [looks shiftily at size of arse] - I would LOVE to have DS sleeping through the night right now, and he's not in my bed so much as in the co-sleeper (though sometimes moving him from feeding next to me in the bed and into the co-sleeper is enough to wake him and then argh the whole performance again). Oh, I'd love him to fall asleep at 7pm and not wake till 6am (when we actually have to get up, gods help us) - it's more that I don't think anything I do in that regard will make a difference. Once I decided to pick him up when he cries, it was just easier to have him in with us than in another room - it's getting chilly, feeding at night, after all!

Molar is absolutely NOT FAIR. DS's are the two lower canines - again, totally not on, as he can't get most teethers back there to actually chomp on. He's found some relief with the razbaby 'razberry' one, and some with a cold wet towel to chew on - but basically he'd like mum or dad's knuckle, thanks. And don't you DARE move!

I have a friend with a cry-y DD who does a similar thing to you at bedtime - the poor little mite just seems to need a bit of a wail at bedtime. DS doesn't cry much, so I figure when he does, he actually needs some help. I'd LOVE him to have a way to self-settle, in fact I'd assumed he would have found his thumb by now (I was a thumb sucker) but he's a bit malcoordinated, I think! He'll take a dummy in the car or the pushchair or the baby carrier, but only reluctantly and if I'm lying there next to him offering it he spits it out with a look of outraged propriety. "NO, you're the BOOB person. Dad has the dummies. Now gimme!"
... heh. I suppose we're a bit lentil weavery, but - here's a shocker - I work 3 days a week. So I've got a teeny baby in nursery Mon/Wed/Fri, (where he seems quite happy and naps REALLY well in a swing, damnit) and then he's with us the rest of the time. I love the schedule he's developed - up at 6, nap 7.30 till 9ish, nap 11.30-1pm ish, and then sometimes a catnap between 3 and 4pm - I love that and want to encourage his regular naps - make them longer! as that's the only time I get things done. I do all I can to encourage it, to be honest, except for let him cry.

I think if you're feeding on demand, breastfeeding, and worrying about how you're doing - you can't possibly be fucking up. As a wise friend once said, "bad mothers never worry that they're bad mothers."

Go on. Go to bed. It's 9pm here (east coast USA) and that means I'm going to bed in the next 20 minutes. If I'm waking up this much, I'm going to get all the sleep I can! Gods only know how people with more than 1 kid do this...

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