I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this

[Bumperlicious]

I have a blocked duct again and dd (8 weeks) is fussing at the breast, crying for god knows what reason, but it is fucking agony. I just want to go to bed. She never sleeps in the evening & doesn't go own till between 12 & 1. She will only sleep on me in the day. If I try & move her onto dh she wakes up.

Still getting a bad latch on the non blocked breast. Gave her a bottle for the first time today & she still wanted to feed after 5oz ebm. When am I ever going to get a break? I just need some sleep & some space.

[MoonFaceMamaaaaargh]

Oh dear. It sounds like you are having a seriously rough time.

I'm afraid i know nothing of blocked ducts.

When you are with your dd in the evenings's when she won't go down, what is the room like? (sorry if stating the obvious but) keeping the lighting low and volume down will help her realise the difference between fun time and sleep time.

Can your dh pacify her for an hour or two while you rest. Especially in the evenings. She will soon be moving out of the new born constant feeding phase (fingers crossed) and you may find waiting twenty mins till she is ready to concentrate on being hungry helpfull.

I'm sorry i don't have anything helpful to say but didn't want your post to go unanswered. Someone will no doubt be along shortly.

You are doing a wonderfull thing.

[gaelicsheep]

Oh you poor thing.

First things first, I think you might need to go with her not sleeping in the evening. My DD didn't until very recently and still won't go down in her cot until near midnight (tonight she's still up and feeding now). IMO trying to force the issue just leads to exhausting evenings, so I have just accepted it how it is. What is she doing? Does she cluster feed, or is she screaming? I tend to just settle myself down and feed/cuddle her until she finally falls soundly asleep. If you're getting late nights do you ever get a chance to sleep in? That was the only way I could cope.

With the daytime sleeping, is she falling asleep while feeding? My DD did this too. We have tried to break the cycle by having DH hold her when we think she's tired and not hungry - she will now go to sleep with him more easily than with me (she will only be fed to sleep by me).

Have you tried settling her with a dummy? She may just want to suck. It worked with DD for a few weeks before she started spitting it out.

Re the blocked duct, you suggest this is on the better side for latching but if it's persistent it does suggest that something needs adjusting. I seem to remember though that, like I was, you're lucky to get her on at all? Have you tried all the usual things - hot flannels, massage, etc.?

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time.

[BollocksToThis]

For the duct, the best advice I ever got, which always worked, is to feed the baby with their chin towards the blockage. For me the ducts near my armpits are the ones which clog up, so I lie down on the bed with baby's head towards my feet and feed sort of upside down if you follow?

It's a horrible stage to be at, claustrophobic and exhausted, but you can get through this. You're doing fantastically :)

[Bumperlicious]

Thanks. Doesn't seem to make a difference about lighting etc, she just cluster feeds. About 9.30 we go up to my bedroom, swaddle her, turn down the lights but it is still sometimes 3 or more hours.

I've just been sat here sobbing for the past hour. Dh is talking about wanting me to stop, saying our whole life revolves around feeding & it is making everyone miserable. He thinks I won't give up because I'm worried what my friends will think. He just can't understand how I feel about this. Yes I am fed up with bfing at the moment but I can't bear the thought of giving up.

I'm so fucking cross with him. But how much does he get a say when it impacts on him & dd1?

[Bumperlicious]

Sorry didn't see last two posts. I'm ok with the evening thing mostly. But can't help feeling I'm doing something wrong. Today has been bad because she has been fussing & not feeding properly which she hasn't done since she was a few weeks old. Tried flannel & massagel. Haven't had time for a shower! Today has just been a bad day & doesn't help with dh & I fighting.

[gaelicsheep]

You do know it's probably a growth spurt don't you? Of course you're not doing anything wrong! Is it tiredness do you think, making you and your DH fight? We were terrible, but it does get better honestly! Does he know how you're feeling?

[gaelicsheep]

Sorry, I didn't read your posts properly. That middle paragraph, about your DH wanting you to stop. Me and my DH had that same conversation so many times. They do find it hard to understand, because men are so damned logical about everything. They don't understand the emotional side of things at all.

We went through all that, and I asked myself exactly the same question. What am I doing to DH and DS? How much do I take DH's wishes into account? What's more important, b/f DD or my family's happiness? Unfortunately what I can't tell you is how I found the answer. I really and truly can't remember. I think what swayed it for us is that I did decide to give in and switch to formula, DD was getting bottles at night anyway (because my health was suffering) and I tried the odd bottle in the daytime. We had exactly the same problem with fussiness, and I managed to persuade DH that it would be even more bloody hard work with all the bottle feeding palava. I think that's how it was. But the bottom line was he eventually, with lots and lots of talking, came to understand how important it was to me that b/f succeeded so he did everything he could to make it easier for me.

[RobynLou]

It really will get better, and it really will be easier in the long run to keep going now.

Cluster feeding is very normal, just accepting that's what she does and finding a way to make it more bearable might be a way forwards, instead of going upstairs with her for all that time, sit downstairs with something nice to snack on, and watch some tv with the volume low - I fed my DD to sleep sat on the sofa watching tv for a few months, I couldn't have coped with being stuck upstairs all that time.

have you tried a moby wrap/close carrier/ then she can sleep on you but you don't have to be pinned down, I used to keep DD in the sling constantly when she wouldn't be put down, again it's about meeting her needs in way that doesn't make you feel so trapped.

You've done brilliantly and the worst is almost behind you, grit your teeth and carry on for another few weeks and it'll all get so so much easier

x

[gaelicsheep]

I would have suggested the sling option too, except that my DD is one of those rare babies who will not sleep in one so I don't feel able to recommend it!

[Bumperlicious]

Thanks for the replies. I already use the sling a lot & tbh I'm a bit fed up with it, I can't eat properly, go to the toilet with one child strapped to me & one watching me with a running commentart, I just need some space!

Going to the bfing group today like I have every week but they haven't solved my problem.

I'm so upset by what dh has said. I wish he'd cut me some slack & remember I've just had a baby. He basically laid all out problems at the door of breastfeeding &, though he didn't say it, at me because I 'choose' to breastfeed.

[DomesticG0ddess]

I completely understand how you feel and welldone for getting to 8 weeks. We are at 3 weeks and I don't know how much I can take. Pain since the beginning, diagnosed with tongue tie, now situation worse after getting the tongue tie sorted out. DH now home til the end of the week, but after that I need to make a decision as he works long hours, I have DS1 as well and no family around, so I can't be sobbing for 3-5 hours in the night while DS2 tries to latch on, or be expressing and cup feeding. I sorry your DH isn't supportive, it makes a huge difference. DS2 does really settle in a KariMe sling, which gives me a break.

[BollocksToThis]

Bumper I can really sympathise (my DD is also 8 weeks and I too have DS to consider). My DP has been uber supportive until recently when we've been struggling he suggested (although I believe it originated from MIL) "just putting her on bottles". I pointed out that once my milk is gone it's not exactly easy to get it back. And the faff of formula is one thing we don't need. And there are no guarantees that it'll help anything anyway. Cluster feeding happens to FF babies too! Anyway, mine refused the EBM we offered her in a bottle so that kind of closed the argument . But to have the support pulled from under your feet makes you feel even more isolated, I can recognise that. How long did you feed your DS for? I fed mine for over 2 years in the end and I spur myself through the crappy bits by reminding myself what a tiny fraction of the whole breastfeeding phase this is.

If you're anything like me you'll find it hard not to get lost in the misery of that window when they're fussing, and it feels like that 3 hours is actually 23 hours, and it feels like at 8 weeks there's forever and a day to pass before they're going to get any easier. But you know, if you can try (and it's so hard, I know) to take a step back and look at the bigger picture - you've come 8 week, 8 whole weeks, and it is a huge achievement and yet also a tiny short period. Another 8 weeks from now she might well be past that newborn needs-held-25-hours-a-day thing and sleeping 7 til 7!

SO much sympathy for you, it's tough and there's no denying it. But you're obviously made of strong stuff :)

[Bumperlicious]

Thanks for the replies. DH is mostly really supportive, I know he is just worried and a bit fed up. im just fed up with arguing & the competitive who's having the toughest time (me surely?).

I fed DD1 for 13 months so I know i can do this. I also remember having the same arguments when DD was little.

[RobynLou]

Oh god, the competitive who's having the worst time thing is the worst, me and DH fell into that and it was ridiculous. I think it's very common unfortunately.

[LittleAmy]

BollocksToThis - When does it get easier? 6 months when solids are introduced?

Bumper - I loathe the "who's having the toughest time" competition. What arguments does your DH put forward?

[LittleAmy]

Robyn - what arguments did your DH put forward? Mine likes to constantly remind me that he goes out to work and cooks whereas I "do nothing" (looking after DD all day every day and EBFing her is apparently nothing. Nice).

[gaelicsheep]

See that expressed milk your generating LA - as per your other thread. Leave a stash plus some bottles/cups and go out for the day (if you can bear it). Make sure you pick a day when you think your DD's due for a large explosive poo.

OK, I'm not really serious, but who do these men think they are? Apart from everything else, we are manufacturing food for a whole other human being!

[Bumperlicious]

To be fair dh is actually really supportive. he says 'I don't expect you to do anything during the day' but that is unrealistic seeing as he works till 7 two days a week meaning I have to do tea for me and dd1 on my own. he got pissed off that i would put washing on then not get the chance to put it out so said he'd do the washing but hasn't done it in a week!

he is fed up with doing all the housework & having to deal with dd1 who is being a mare to put to bed.

we are just both really feeling the lack of time to ourselves. sounds stupid doesn't it? we've just had a baby of course we don't have any free time. we are just both not dealing with it very well.

[gaelicsheep]

It is such a hard time, I really feel for you. It's hard enough first time around but the second is a different kettle of fish altogether. Does your DH realise you're arguing because you're both knackered?

[ginger2000]

Another one with some sympathy here - DD2 is incredibly fussy when feeding and has refused to feed (screaming in agony) because of trapped wind. This has led to some nights where we have been awake for every hour from midnight until 7am. Its getting better but its tough. Dh is largely supportive and said last night that 'how we feed her is up to you - I will go with what you want' which is kind of good I guess particularly when he can see me getting angry, upset and frustrated. I KNOW it will get better (and for you too) and this stage doesn't last too long in the grand scheme of a child's life but it is really hard!

You are doing brilliantly but it mustn't be to the detriment of your health - I am giving myself until christmas when DD2 will be 3 months and if I am struggling/knackered/still can't express, I will start gradually mix feeding so DH can help. Could that be an option?

[gaelicsheep]

I'm with you on the sling btw. Mine is happy enough in one, unless she's tired, but I find it exhausting. You can't do anything properly - bending down is hard, chopping food has a head in the way, you have to cook side on. I've pretty much given up doing anything except directly looking after the DCs when I'm on my own. I agree, it's claustrophobic.

[Bumperlicious]

DH gave her a bottle of ebm yesterday, 5oz but then she still wanted to feed. I'm loath to rely too much on the bottle as we are still having latching problems. but dd1 is going to my mum's next weekend and i am giving dh two bottles and leaving him to it for the night.

he's a good man really, just being a PITA at the moment.

[QueenOfProcrastination]

I feel your pain! My DD was exactly the same at that age. It does get better. She's now 12 weeks and has settled into a better pattern of cluster feeds from 4 / 4.30pm then will fall asleep at about 7.30pm and go until 1am until she wakes for another feed. She'll then wake every 2hrs or less until wanting to get up and play at 8am but it is so much better now she'll sleep before midnight. I also had "helpful" comments about FF filling her up more but I persevered with EBFing and am glad as it seems she just needed a couple more weeks to get used to day and night.

One thing that did help DD sleep earlier and better was switching from blankets to a sleep sack / grobag. She kept wriggling out of blankets and hated being swaddled. The grobag lets her wriggle in her sleep and stay warm enough.

As others have said, more important than BM is having a happy mummy.

[cardamomginger]

oh bumper. nothing helpful to say. i just remember reading your live birth thread. big hugs xxx

[Bumperlicious]

Thanks for all your replies. Things are a little better. Dh & I are making an effort to think about each other.

Lack of sleep really makes everything worse. There is not much I cando about that but be aware of it.