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Partner not helping

(9 Posts)
StarMm Fri 23-Oct-20 20:01:49

Can anyone offer some advice my partner regularly stays up until the early hours of the morning on his playstation (also talking on his headset which I can here) and then stays in bed until lunch time the next day leaving me to get our daughter ready for school while contending with our 11 month old son who doesn't sleep through and wakes up before six am. This is leaving me exhausted I have to ask for him to do anything to help which is more annoying than just doing it myself he does work but often doesn't start until 4pm but doesn't do anything to help before starting. If I say anything about the playstation he says I'm trying to control him and he always says I don't show him any affection but I don't feel like it after all of this. What can I do I want to make it work but I am coming to the end of my patience.

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Kristie25 Fri 30-Oct-20 21:03:39

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve felt alone in a relationship and sadly I won’t be able to give you any useful advice as I’m still in this same relationship, but at the end of any patience I had. Recently moved out of my home town for the sake of this relationship just to be made feel lonely all the time. Better that he’s at home than him being out I suppose but I know it feels really crappy when the other half just puts all their attention into something as silly as gaming. I try to make excuses for my partner and I try to defend it but he usually makes a point of ‘me not talking to him’ so he rather play his games. Usually turns it on me as it sounds yours does too. I hope he realises what his priorities are and he puts you and your kids first because I know how lonely and sad it can get thlsad

Ashgov Fri 30-Oct-20 22:02:38

Awww I am so sorry to hear. It's very hurtful I can imagine and frustrating. Would you consider gritting your teeth and politely offering an option of a task? I really need your help please. Do you want to change the diaper or take the trash out?
With time he will slowly agree..expect resistance before compliance. If we don't ask then we can't receive. Wishing you luck x

nimbuscloud Fri 30-Oct-20 22:07:54

Unfortunately you have hooked up with a gobshite who doesn’t care about you or the children. Whether or not you want to spend years of your life in second place to a games console is a difficult decision but probably one you need to start considering.

StarMm Tue 17-Nov-20 08:00:45

Thank you everyone for your comments, don't get me wrong he is a good dad to the kids it's just kind of like he just chooses the fun bits and gets to be the fun parent. Since my original post his work place has closed due to the second lockdown and I am back at work in the evenings after my maternity leave. I start at 6pm so leave at around 5.30 and I do everything before I go cook tea everything. All that he has to do is bath the kids and put them to bed. Even now since he has been off work he has got up once with the kids and I had to hassle and hassle him and he acted like it was the end of the world because he had gone to bed at 3am which is his own problem. Am I expecting too much all I want is maybe one lie in a week and one night where he cooks tea (not a takeaway)?

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Ashgov Tue 17-Nov-20 08:19:58

Gosh. People are getting more selfish daily. Not picking on your husband but in general. Unfortunately he is your husband.
You need to ask him if he wants his daughter to bring home a man who doesn't respect her or help her or meet her half way in marriage. Then explain what he is doing to you and children learn what they live with.
That you would like to go for counselling to give you the tools to help work out your different styles of communication.
At the end of the day..maybe he doesn't see your side?????
It's easy to throw away a marriage but very difficult to fight. Consider what you would like and go for it.
Yes he's very selfish. A bad husband. Lazy and disrespectful. You are right.
Being right doesn't always bring victory. Sometimes going back to build a Solid foundation and pour blood sweat and tears in, may be what's required.
Look for free counselling.
Focus on the family South Africa does free counselling. I'm not sure where you are but I'm sure they will help you.
God bless you
Protect your children as much as you can.
Will say a prayer for you xx

StarMm Tue 17-Nov-20 10:49:19

I don't know if the reason he is like this is because his mum was a single mum so he has seen her have to do everything by herself so this is what he thinks is normal 🤷 He is older than me (not a lot) but sometimes I feel like his parent, I do love him and the last thing I want is to separate but we have been together five years and it's always been this way.

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Ashgov Tue 17-Nov-20 11:08:58

Wow! Yes that explains a lot. That's what he knows. Just like what your children will know if the cycle isn't broken. We bring different things from our childhood into marriage. Premarital counselling really helps to uncover many differences that couples don't ever think to talk about.
It's very positive that you see hope and understand where he's coming from.
Start with telling him that you love him and tell him how you feel.
Try not to accuse. Do it before this escalates to resentment and bitterness.
Honestly..this just needs love and tools how to move forward. You can do it. 5 years is not long to break the pattern and instill new thinking and action.
God bless x

StarMm Tue 17-Nov-20 17:10:10

Kristie25 sorry to hear about your situation make sure you are keeping in contact with friends and family so that you don't feel even more isolated xx

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