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I've lost my baby to school(4 Posts)
It doesn't seem five minutes ago it was June 2014 and I was sat on my bed staring at the second pink line on the pregnancy test. I was pregnant at last. After five months of negatives I was at the point I felt perhaps id never get too. I'd been broody for ages and had sadly had a chemical pregnancy the year before.....
For the first few weeks I was scared of loss. Then the morning sickness kicked in. I felt low but couldn't wait to reach three months and have my scan. At 12 weeks I found out I was having a healthy baby and at 20 weeks we discovered it was a girl. I was so happy. I went into baby world. Everything was babies, nappies, prams, clothes, names, cots, bottles. I just felt fuzzy inside and so in love.
I never imagined my life being anything other than babies and toddlers. Fisher price, spaghetti hoops in highchairs and wonderful days with my little girl at the park were what life was all about.
As a stay at home mum my little girl was by my side apart from nursery 12 hours a week. Then march this year we had to make a decision on which school we wanted her to go to. I felt like her baby years flashed before my eyes. My heart ached to have her back in her pram on one of our walks to playgroup. Oh how I wanted to hold her one last time in a sleepsuit and keep her all to myself. I started thinking about feeding her porridge at seven months infront of cbeebies, Inside all cosy just me and her. Then her little one year old self jigging about to Justin Bieber. I thought of our holidays to the coast and how we could go when the kids were at school and it was so peaceful. It hit me we would never do that again. Back in July I took her to the park with her baby brother too. I watched her swing on the swings and slide down the slide. She knew she was going to school but she didn't really understand what that meant. Yet she couldn't wait. Yet here I was knowing this was the last time we would ever come to the park in term time. The parks would always be busier from now on. We would never have this time again. My heart began to ache again. I looked at her memory box that night. Her first outfit, her tiny hat, her scan picture. All the memories of that journey flooded back. Folding tiny clothes, dreaming of pushing her in her tiny pram. Wondering about her hair colour and eyes. I put everything back in the box and told myself enough was enough. She was ready. She needed more. I decided to focus on the positives and all the new things we could do. All the learning and new friends. We would both have more time to enjoy life.
The truth is even after six weeks I still struggle some days. I miss her heavily and some days I wish we could go back. But I'm so proud of her. It's bittersweet being a mum. They don't stay little for long enough. I remember every moment of our journey so far and it has been the best x
I understand how you feel I feel like this is my little girl she is just turned 3 but I can't bear the idea I going to school seems like such a massive change and as you say literally seems to flash past each year seems to get quicker I'm always trying to appreciate her but I always feel sad that my grow up so quickly school seems like such a big change for some reason! Olivia goes to nursery in the mornings but for some reason I feel like I'm already doing them countdown till School but I know it's getting around so quick and I'm going to be an emotional wreck and myself also it's hard when you been with them so much. I to try and focus on the positives I always think if she's happy then I'm happy but still so hard maybe comes up to big part of your life.
How you doing now your dd is at home with you? Is it the bliss you hoped it would be?
My daughter is still 3 and a and a half he goes to nursery part time and before that we used to go to lots of playgroups and soft plays and play dates swimming and then play dates little friends with along the way over the first few years playgroups and baby groups. I found it incredibly difficult her growing up so quickly even though I got to spend a lot of time with her sometimes it feels like I haven't spent any time we do it always feel like I'm not appreciating her enough even though I'm always trying to do I always feel sad that x constantly disappearing behind me so fast where has the last 6-months gone where has the last year gone it all seems to Fly by too quickly and it's so hard when they're such a big part of your life I work in the evenings and my partner works in the day but I'm still dreading her going to school with seems like such a big scary change I think it's worth says me and my partner have had 3 miscarriages and had our daughter by IVF and we don't know if we can have anymore so it puts a lot of pressure on me trying to make the most of her constantly especially hard for everyone with the coronavirus at the moment but when I look back at all the pictures even though they feel sad I look back and think we've done a hell of a lot I take my daughter around the Olympic Park and all over London and the Museum of Childhood everyday I'm always trying to pack as much as I can but I still feel like that it's gone way too quick painful Eso and I haven't done things right have an appreciate it enough always feeling bad about it I guess I've put a lot of pressure on myself and school seems like a big scary changer
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