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Negative comments from my own father

(2 Posts)
Saralou83 Thu 06-Jul-17 09:54:51

I am currently 35 was pregnant with my fourth child and I have had mixed emotions with this pregnancy as I thought I was finished with the three children I have.
I have been very anxious and only have started to buy things for this little one this week.
I have had a previous Still birth at 28wks and I think is why I have been reluctant in buying as I am aware things can dramatically change. We knew there were problems in this pregnancy as I was unable to gain any weight and I would faint quite often at 16 weeks we found out from my bloods that there was a problem so I was sent to have a scan and there showed a couple of cysts around the placenta and umbilical cord, this had interrupted the blood flow to our little boy and when we had delivered him our consultant came into show us the cord and the placenta and how abnormal it looked. This was a dark time for us as my partner had lost his son and found out at the same time his mother had terminal liver cancer. Anyway this is where the true colours of my fathers opinions came into play.
We had a funeral for our dear baby boy and we only wanted us two to be there at the Sevice and others could come to his grave once it was over as we wanted to be on our own. However my father had gathered all the family going against our wishes and made it a massive affair I was absolutely heartbroken that he did this and went against our wishes. After this two days later he turned up on my doorstep to ask why I did not acknowledge him at the service and I explained that he went against our wishes. He threw things back in my face and said it was my fault that our little boy had died as I was not eating enough this was not the case at all. I went crazy threw him out of my house and slammed the door at him. This still hurts me to this day and he has never apologised for this remark.
With this pregnancy I have been very distant with everyone and have been very anxious and wary even though I am still with my partner (who is very excited and supportive).
I recently went to buy a cotbed ready for our little arrival and my mum came with me and asked if I was able to pick my dad up from town. As I picked him up he was talking to me saying that my mum and him have been discussing how sad you look with this pregnancy and will support you completely with or without your partners consent I feel you want to put this baby up for adoption. I have never in a million years had thought of this option, I was absolutely mortified when this came out of his mouth. I was trembling with anger as he seems to think he knows what is going on in my mind but he has no idea. I reminded him that I am anxious of the idea of starting all over again as my other children are 12, 10 and 6 and my career was taking off as I was offered a place in uni to do occupational health. The most important thing is that I have been worried that I would have a still birth all over again.
I have only just let my dad back into my life as he has always been a negative person who never really had anything nice to say about others and does tend to bully his way through life. He used to call me names as I was growing up and had physically hurt me when I was a teenager by kicking me in my chest and grabbing my hair and thrown me down onto the sofa.
This has made me now think I have made a mistake allowing him back into my life as unfortunately my parents still live together.
I feel I cannot have this man in my life as he will never change. I have not told my partner what my dad has recently said as I know he will be really annoyed.
Has anyone been through a similar experience? I would just like some advice, my heart says just to leave him out of my life as I feel this negativity is not good to be in my family's life.

ElizaHolland Thu 13-Jul-17 00:24:18

Hi Saralou,
Just a quick reply as I should be asleep by now! To be perfectly honest I think your father's behaviour is emotionally abusive. Whether he intends to upset you or not is immaterial - the behaviour is abusive. The way he treated you as a teenager was physically and emotionally abusive. You deserve kindness and empathy right now.

You could ask your GP to refer you to counselling?
Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy. x

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