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Am I being played or is there more?

(3 Posts)
user1474762486 Tue 18-Oct-16 00:06:08

Hello
I need some help and maybe some sound advice about a relationship I've had.
I met a girl on a muslim matrimonial website in 2013, I was seriously looking to settle down, looking forward to supporting my new family and having children, being in love and having that security of someone around was all I have wanted in life.
She wasn't the first person/profile I spoke to. We also managed to find each other online after a few weeks silence.
I was busy at work and she told me she worked. We discussed marriage, weddings, kids, houses and all. During this time, she spoke to my mom and sisters on phone. Me and mum didn't really get on for a few years so this was like bringing us closer together.
It was about three months in and I had not spoken to any of her family, she told me where she was from, what she did and about her family. it was only later that she told me she wanted to change her name when married (firstname) and she refused to tell me her real name.
Although I was very suspicious of everything, I like her, we clicked, we were in our early thirties and I didn't feel we should wait around. Most of our contact was phonecalls and facebook, after the initial getting to know each other on the website.
About three months in, her behaviour changed, she started to playfully flirt with other boys and in turn glamorised her behaviour as something successful.
It was at the end of the argument we had that she admitted being married and having children.
Her explanation was she was forced to marry her cousin from abroad when she was 18. Now at that particular time, this husband of hers was in her majesty's pleasure for peddling drugs. she said that she has wanted to leave him for a very long time and she was ready to drop everything and leave the kids too to move in with a friend on the other side of the country.
we talked during this period and she had. As I mentioned before, she spoke to my mum who explicitly made it clear that she was not going to mess me around. My mum understood that for me this is big, not just the marriage but making progress with mum after near enough ten years.
On one occasion, the father of the children came home on leave. On seeing the reaction of the children to their dad leaving left them in tears and complete disarray. She decided it'd be best to stick as a family. I was really hurt but supportive as we got really close during this time and I wanted to help her, make her happy.
It came to an end when I freaked out one evening in her not opening up about who she is really and will we ever meet up.
We stopped talking, she decided to play games with me from different facebook profiles.
I was in and out of depression. once or twice Id get a random withheld number call. It'd be her sometimes sobbing she loves me or just general chit chat. I got really angry and felt sorry for the children. I remembered times when she really had a go at them. One that stand out is she hit them, I could hear them crying and then she shouted ' I wish you were all dead' I knew straightaway she needed help. I did call NSPCC to help. I think they did something which made her overreact. Another fake profile, this time threatening me and my sisters.
The thing is, I was very persistent to find out who she really is. After a few weeks of hard research, I found out who she is, where she was from. Also that she had only just graduated and never worked.
I tried to move on with my life, it left me broken, damaged, I wouldn't trust anyone. I checked up on her facebook profile, she was mostly chatting to men stating shes single and enjoying it. 2015 we didn't really have any real contact.
Earlier this year, I took a break in a long time and went on hols, I sent her a a message with some pics.

After a week or two when I came back. she started calling again.
this time she had a job and was adamant she was going for a divorce, she had started proceedings and even called the solicitors whilst I was on phone. The calls were infrequent, maybe weekly but soon turned to every waking second. I went to meet her at place of work, there were times she behaved strangely like asking me a million questions on my sex life and exactly what went on. I mentioned she still sleeps in the same bed as him which utterly disgusted her and even though she said she'll call in a few days, ive waited a few weeks. I did send her a polite message which I cc'd a friend of hers also. ive messaged her several times that if she wants no contact to block me so I get the message and move on. I'm worried because she gets verbally and physically abused. I mostly see these bouts of withdrawal due to the distress she is under. I like her, love her. I've sent flowers to her to cheer her up. gifts for the children last week which she returned back .

I will wait if she wants me to. I don't discuss this with anyone. My family thinks she's history. I'm not going to leave her but what shall I do?

DPotter Tue 18-Oct-16 00:16:53

Please for the sake of your health, forget this woman. She is messing you around beyond cruelty. Forget her and take some time, before moving on to find love.
I understand you have an attachment to her and she does sound in a bad place, but it's not a situation you can help her with. She has not been honest with you from the very start, and that is no way to build a life long relationship of love, trust and respect.
I wish you well

queenbeeee Sat 03-Dec-16 00:15:59

I agree with dpotter shes messing you around. Dont waste any more time, effort or money on this woman. You have to move on. Find someone new who is open and honest. Dont being dragged into this mess.

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