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How to recover from your wifes liasion

(3 Posts)
Objectiveman Tue 26-Nov-13 05:25:33

I just found out my wife of 28 years has had an "Internet" affair.
It started as facebook with a person they knew from years ago and then proceeded to phone Txt messages. They never met but there was intense traffic between them.
I confronted her - and it all unfolded.
She has severed all links - I trust her that that is true.
She is a very honest person - and I know this was not her normal profile.
She was lead on by the other party - but she " went with the flow" against any better judgement.
I feel my life has collapsed.
I'm racked with guilt, - because I know it's my emotional detachment that made this liasion attractive - it satisfied an happy feeling I was probably not providing. I tortured by betrayal.
The crash - also opened long locked emotional closets with me - and I an no longer in control of my emotions - they see-saw from one extreme to the other.
Our relationship over the years has been generally good - except I do not engage well in emotional discussions. Now the floodgates are open - I've told her secrets about my childhood _ I had locked away in an emotional bottle. Now the bottles broken.
Despair, betrayal, fear, loneliness,revenge, anger, suspicion, posessivenes, jealosy.
I'm seeking help/therapy.
She is my heart. I cannot live without her.
She is somewhat detached from me now. ( loves me - but in a different place - wants me as part of her life - but I want to be IN her life.
I think she is also in shock - stressed, exhausted by the whole experience.
How do we survive this ?
Have other rebuild their bridges ?
I'm reading everything I can - searching everywhere for solutions that may help me.

fcknits Tue 26-Nov-13 10:34:23

They never met? Whatever you call it, it was just written words?

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. sad

If your wife can't talk to you, then who can she talk to? It was obviously that person (whom she is, now, no longer talking to).

I think communication will be the key - and time. If you don't start/keep talking to her... it's clear that she will need to start talking to someone else again. A real person (even at the end of an email or phone) is nicer than just phoning the Samaritans (although they are lovely). Humans generally do need to talk - it's such a basic thing. Just typing this note, to you, on this forum is part of my urge to communicate with my fellow human beings.

I don't know the background (and I'm not asking for details) but I'm guessing you didn't listen to her much. Girls often like to talk for the sake of it. Sometimes it's the same stuff you talked about 2 hours ago. Sometimes it's dull. It doesn't require a 'fix me' solution or a 'we've already discussed that' conversation stopper. The simple act of listening to someone, gives that person importance, validation and true warmth.

Don't disengage from her, in your hurt, unless you're ready to call it a day. Take baby steps back from the brink.

Best wishes to you and your family. I hope you and your wife can learn to talk - and listen - to each other again. xx

fcknits Tue 26-Nov-13 10:36:20

Btw, I know I've written "talk" several times. Tbh, I really mean "listen".

I guess, sometimes, girls also want you to know what they mean! x

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