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Telling Friend who recently MC I'm pregnant

(7 Posts)
WingingIt101 Mon 09-Sep-19 04:28:40

Hi all

I'm 11 weeks and so getting ready and excited to share the news I'm pregnant with friends and family soon.

My very best friend of 20 years is quite quiet and bottles things up that bother her to the point her mental health has suffered over the years with bad anxiety. She also recently experienced a miscarriage. She was hospitalised with it and did not receive good emotional support from her health care professionals. This was around march / april this year. I know from our regular conversations she still struggles terribly with what happened (understandably!)

I'd like some advice on how best to let her know I'm expecting. I know she will be happy for me as my friend but I also imagine that it will bring a lot of complicated feelings and sadness for her.

Currently I'm thinking of texting her the news (will be texting our other friends too and not on group messages) so she hears it from me and I'll do it on an evening I know she will be at home with her DH so she can react however she wants and needs without being at work etc. But what do I say in the text?!
I'm conscious as I write this that it sounds terribly self obsessed, like my being pregnant will be the most impactful thing in her world but honestly it comes from a good place and not wanting her to feel any more hurt than she may already, whilst also not wanting her to feel like she's being treated differently or have her MC bought back up if she's trying to move forward!

Help Mumsnet - has anyone else been in a similar situation (on either side of the conversation) and have any words of advice on how to share the news?

Thank you!

RosieMapleLeaf Mon 09-Sep-19 04:51:19

OP, it is lovely if you to be concerned.

I was in your friends position and whilst going through the miscarriage a co-worker announced she was pregnant then shortly afterwards my SIL announced she was pregnant. Neither of them knew about the miscarriage so it was awkward all round, them being happy and excited and me trying to be happy.

I ended up leaving my job because the constant baby y'all at work was more than I could cope with. Luckily SIL lives overseas so once I got over the initial shock I didn't have to hear anything more about it.

I think your idea to text when you know she's home with DH is a good one. And I would just say basically what you've said here, that you wanted her to hear it from you and you understand that it might be upsetting for her. And then just leave it.

She may distance herself from you for a bit but you shouldn't take it personally.

You sound like a lovely caring friend.

Elmo311 Mon 09-Sep-19 05:20:22

Hi,

I haven't been in exactly the same situation but my friend was struggling to conceive for years and waiting for IVF when i became pregnant.
I also waited until I was 12 weeks to tell anyone.

I told her in a text, I basically said that I am pregnant , I understand she may feel a certain way about this, and that she can take all the time she needs (if she needed it ). I also told her that I loved her. Anyway, I can't remember exactly what I said but she told me that she cried, that she needed time to process and she couldn't be there for me right now.

It was probably 7 months until she spoke to me again, but when she did we were fine. And she met my son when he was born.

She was going through IVF when I fell pregnant again , very shortly after my son was born I was shitting myself about having to tell her so I waited again as I didn't want to stress her out, told her by text again and she was actually fine.

A couple of months after that we met up and she announced that the IVF had been successful and she was pregnant! It was amazing news and now our little girls are 10 weeks apart and I'm hoping they will grow up best friends too. smile

Basically, let her feel how she needs to and hopefully she will come back to you when she is ready. Don't judge her for feeling negative about it (if she does) and don't expect her to be happy for you, yet.

Good luck , sorry for the ramble!

Elmo311 Mon 09-Sep-19 05:21:34

Sorry, should say 5 months not 7!

JustOneLastThing Mon 09-Sep-19 05:30:09

I was your friend, and everytime someone told me I was happy for them on the phone or via text and then afterwards I would cry for a few hours (and on one occasion drank a bottle of wine in about an hour due to a baby scan picture appearing on our family WhatsApp). It will hurt them in a way that only fertility issues can. She will remember how you tell her. A text was the easiest way for me, and you sound thoughtful and loving.

Congratulations on your pregnancy smile

WishingILivedOnAnIsland Mon 09-Sep-19 06:02:05

Oh bless you for thinking of your friend.

I've been in the same situation. I texted her before I told any other friends, in the evening so she wouldn't have to put on a brave face at work. We had lunch the two of us a few days later. She was fine and appreciated the heads up so she could process in her own time.

I told the group later in a low key way and didn't do any big announcements or social media reveal.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

WingingIt101 Mon 09-Sep-19 06:11:35

Thank you all so much for replying - and to @RosieMapleLeaf and @JustOneLastThing I’m so sorry for your losses, thank you for sharing how she may feel from experience.

I’ll go ahead with the text then and I really like the idea of saying she should take as long as she wants to process things.
She’s due to visit in a few weeks so I’ll maybe also say it would be wonderful to see her still but if she feels she doesn’t want to then that’s also fine.

Thank you again wise MN-ers!

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