Need advice on dealing with negativity

(17 Posts)
Domj19 Sat 02-Mar-19 22:08:35

So I’m pregnant and it’s so exciting and scary and amazing.
My heart is happy. My head is thinking of all the things we need to do to get ready now also at times completely empty as baby brain kicks in.
I still haven’t felt the movement of our little one but I’ve seen little arms and legs stretch and flex during ultrasounds. I’ve heard the heartbeat of our little baby and it is astounding.
There are days that if I forget the frequent heart burn then I really don’t feel any differently to how I did pre pregnancy... and I’m amazed that the miraculous changes going on in my tummy are so imperceivable. I then think about the new little being that is growing into what will be our baby and my heart is filled with hope and thanks for the dream finally becoming fulfilled.
I know that becoming a parent will not be easy. I know raising children is fraught with difficulties. I have also watched (and helped) relations and friends raise their children and I know that it is a joy most parents would not give up.
Now my husband and I spent considerable time, money and heartache to get to this stage in our lives. We have been so happy knowing we are expecting - this is our time, it’s our moment for a dream to come true.

And yet since announcing our pregnancy we’ve been lectured about “how difficult it is to be a parent” and “how you both can’t know how hard it is until the baby arrives”. We’ve been told not to even think about having a second until we see how we go with the first. And all this from people close to us who know how we have struggled to get pregnant and know our desire to have children.

Now I get it, parenting is hard and most people don’t comprehend just how hard until they are parents. But you know what, my husband and I are intelligent adults in our 30s who have a wealth of experience that included assisting with the raising of children. We know what difficulties to expect. We have seen friends and relations go through sleepless nights and the on going demands of raising their children that put a strain on even the best relationships. And guess what, we have gone through sleepless nights in prior relationships with children or when assisting to care for the children of relations to give loved ones a break and bond with nephews and nieces. We have a good understanding and experience with what to expect.

My husband and I are going into parenthood with eyes wide open. We have already been through the turmoil of IVF to get to this far and while it has taken its toll we still stand together as an “US”. We want our life together to include children and now we have our first on its way. We will get to meet our bub in just a few months and we are happy knowing our lives will never be the same again.

Now we have been lectured while together and I’ve been lectured alone so I can only guess my husband has experienced the same... I don’t know if the people doing the lecturing are well meaning or not and I don’t care. They took our happy moment and made it all about them and their bad experience with parenthood. They forgot the old saying that if they don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.

I just want to tell them that if they have nothing nice to say then STFU and stay in their own miserable hole without trying to drag us into it with them. We know parenthood will be hard and will mean giving up a lot as our priority becomes the welfare and wellbeing of this coming child and maybe, IF we desire more and IF we are lucky enough to have more, any future siblings. There is no need for anyone to “educate” new parents on just how bad parenting can be - trust me, WE KNOW because we have watched others go through it! And we have also seen that the good makes all the effort worth it.

OP’s posts: |
8FencingWire Sat 02-Mar-19 22:16:27

Dom, congratulations!

I understand what you are saying. I also know that you, in turn, will be that well intentioned person who will warn the others of what’s to come. It’s only natural.

What you could do is refuse to listen. Change the subject, give the death stare, ask them to stop taling to you about the subject, whatever you wish, however you wish to approach it. You can take control of the situation.
Enjoy your pregnancy and don’t worry about the others. Detach.

Redskyandrainbows67 Sat 02-Mar-19 22:21:09

I know what you are saying but the fact is Ivf pregnancies are more prone to lead to post natal depression - probably because people are so elated they are pregnant when they have the baby and it’s hard, they take it very hard. I think your family and friends are just trying to warn and protect you.
Write off their negativity as misplaced but well intentioned and just enjoy the pregnancy with your partner the way you want to. Having a child is a miraculous thing. Just because it’s hard doesn’t make it less so.

Marmighty Sat 02-Mar-19 22:29:47

The thing is, people will now have an opinion about all sorts of things to do with your child. You are going to have to listen to the most insane and shite ideas about how to bring them up, when to do what, what they should eat, wear, do and when. You have to develop the ability to go into a zen-like trance where you can smile and say 'hmmm' to the utter bollocks all sorts of strangers, friends and family members will come out with, when you least expect it.


itbemay1 Sat 02-Mar-19 22:35:53

Just try to remember that these comments come from a place of kindness. Good luck OP

greendale17 Sat 02-Mar-19 22:38:00

Why are you taking the comments to heart? People are just telling you the reality of it all.

Redskyandrainbows67 Sat 02-Mar-19 22:40:40

I do think the taking the comments to heart maybe shows you need some counseling about your Ivf experiences - it does come across that a lot of emotion and expectation have built up. Why do their comments bother you so much?


AnneLovesGilbert Sat 02-Mar-19 22:53:43

Congratulations OP. Enjoy your pregnancy! Ranatidine is a god send for heartburn, don’t suffer through it.

I’ve been quite lucky not to have had much “advice” but I have step kids so I have the other issue of people assuming I’ll know what I’m doing when I feel mildly terrified that I’ll actually be totally clueless and have taken to asking people for tips constantly even though it’s not here yet!

I’m having horrific insomnia and people are keen to tell me to get used to it as I’ll never sleep again, or telling me to make sure I’m sleeping, as I’ll never sleep again, and I bloody well can’t.

I think it’s just one of those things and other posters are right that we may as well buckle up because no decision you ever make for your baby or child will go unquestioned by wellmeaning people!

DelphiMum Mon 11-Mar-19 07:58:11

From your post you sound absolutely gushing with joy, which is lovely but I suspect the advice people are giving you is their attempt to bring you don’t to earth. If you want to stay up there, then just do it and ignore them.

PandaSky Mon 11-Mar-19 22:01:04

This used to annoy me when I was pregnant. It felt like everyone was negative all the time!
I wouldn't take it personally OP, I think most first time parents get this a lot during the pregnancy.

However now I've been through the newborn stage, I get why people say these things. It's to try and prepare you for the major shock and life change that's about to come. Which no amount of previous childcare experience can prepare you for (which I even had as a career). I'm really having to bite my tongue with a friend who is pregnant so I don't repeat what used to annoy me, but it does usually come from a good place.

I would just try to grit your teeth and not take it to heart.

ApplestheHare Mon 11-Mar-19 22:08:11

Congratulations OP flowers

I remember thinking exactly the same with my first pregnancy and then also wondering why people hadn't told me how hard it really is once the baby was bornblush

If it helps, remember that people are just trying to be kind, and that you'll probably continue to feel elated even when it feels like you've never done anything as hard as caring for a baby. As a pp said, have you considered something like counselling for your IVF experiences? All the friends and family members I know who've had IVF ended up feeling terrible guilt that they weren't happy all the time once their babies were born, and it's totally understandable.

tiredmammas Wed 24-Apr-19 16:02:55

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I had a similar thing with my friends, I was the last one in my friendship group to have kids and when we were all together I felt like all they were doing was throwing all these negative things at me until I burst into tears.. it wasn't like that at all they were just trying to prepare me. They all had 3+ kids so you could call them experts haha. Plus my hormones made me so sensitive and I would get quite upset.

The best one would be about the sleepless nights and how i've got no idea how tired I'll be I was so sick of hearing this one - but they were totally right I knew I was going to be tired but f*ck me nothing could have prepared me for that.

Don't let these people ruin what's about to be the best time of your life! You could always comment back with 'it will be worth it' because it will be, once you've got that little bundle of joy in your arms NOTHING else will matter. Enjoy every moment!

firstimemamma Tue 07-May-19 09:49:54

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I mean this in a nice way and not trying to be negative but nothing can prepare you for a child. No amount of prior experience of helping with babies, reading about babies or seeing others go through sleep deprivation etc even comes close to having your own baby. My fiancé used to think he knew what being tired felt like when he'd worked all night on an ambulance but the exhaustion of having a newborn still came as a huge shock to him.

It's harder than you could imagine but also more amazing! When people try to warn you about how hard it's going to be^^ and you don't like it, try to remember that it's also going to have its upsides and you're going to be filled with a love deeper than you could've ever imagined. Also it gets easier over time. Good luck. thanks

Blondebrunette1 Sat 10-Aug-19 11:13:17

I'm guessing the negative comments/advice is a small part of their reactions that include congratulations, how are you feeling?! How exciting. Etc. If not then that's rubbish of them but if so is it possible you're being slightly over offended. Helping to care for others children isn't the same as having your own obviously and I found my first the biggest change as do most so I'm thinking these people are just making conversation and showing interest rather than doubt your ability and readiness. I have just had my fourth and I'm getting told I must be exhausted all the time but I'm not, and before she arrived I was told 4 are much harder than 3 and that 4th labour's and after pains are the worst and some of these things I've found true and others not for me, either way just nod smile and do what you want and tell them afterwards you've not found it any different to what you expected if it makes you feel better. Congratulations anyway. Hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and birth x

FingersXssd83 Mon 20-Jan-20 19:32:30

I'm with you @Domj19

Told my parents we were expecting at 6 weeks after 3 years trying, 1 surgery, 3 IVF cycles, and 4 transfers. It's been hard.

Didn't get a congrats, they changed the subject to the weather, asked if I was 'excited' (well duh!), commented on my sister's parenting that didn't live up to their expectations, banged on about we won't be able to go on any more luxury holidays (as if I care!), hopefully it will work out etc etc.

Spoilt the first few weeks, haven't wanted to tell anyone else, and haven't raised my pregnancy with them since.

I don't understand why people can't just be happy for others. If I knew someone had struggled, I'd be over the moon for them and keep that excitement going for as long as I could. But then ppl like to dish out advice where it isn't wanted, and can be incredibly joyless. I don't think ppl get it unless they have struggled from reading the above comments.

Wishing you luck for the rest of your pregnancy! X

Joycegrose Wed 23-Sep-20 07:24:16

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Sweetpea1532 Fri 25-Sep-20 15:34:47

Congratulations,OP and OPs DP!
I'm so excited for Please ask people to help you if times get tough those first few seems that couples today have the added pressure of trying to do it all themselves without accepting help from extended family or friends because "that's what all the books say.... you must bond as a little family so you shouldn't let anyone help") I've seen my DNewphew and his DW try to do this. They had so many loved ones offering to help, but they thought they needed to do everything by made the post natal period so much more difficult.
I hope some of those well-meaning naysayers hmm will offer help just to give you and DP 20 minutes to take a shower or a nap or help with meals and laundry. Take them up on those offers.

There is nothing to compare to bringing a new life into the world. Since our DGS was born a year ago, we all have been mesmerized just watching this little human being developing...we sit around watching his every little movement and taking in every little peep that he makes knowing that a miracle is happening right before our very eyes...we even fight over who gets to change his nappy ( which, btw, is such a wonderful time to be close to your get to look right in their eyes and talk to them and sing to them and have them look up at you because on the nappy changing table they are physically so much closer to you)
Enjoy ever second with your people say, " It goes by so fast"

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