Boyfriend won't tell his children I'm pregnant incase his ex finds out!!

(15 Posts)
Curlyheadedcutie Sat 08-Dec-18 16:33:23

So I'm now about 15 weeks 3 days pregnant.
My boyfriend has his children every week end, I get on with them really well, but I have only been with my partner for a few months over a year.
I was told that I couldn't have children, so when I found out I was pregnant I was so happy and excited, he didn't seem to bothered, but tried to play it off like he was.
I bought my boyfriend a picture of the baby in this cute frame and when his kids came round they asked what it was an he said oh just ignore it, it's just a picture.
His ex likes to get involved and rings calling me all sorts, but she doesn't know I'm pregnant.
He won't tell his kids I'm pregnant because he doesn't want any grief from his ex, as a few months ago she told him if he were to have anymore children she would stop him from seeing his kids and she also wanted him to have a vasectomy.
I feel like the baby is a burden to him and he's honestly ruining the pregnancy, I can't tell anyone incase she some how finds out.
I don't know what to say or do

OP’s posts: |
Lizadork Sun 09-Dec-18 00:05:07

Personally I would hold off on pressuring him to tell the kids, the pregnancy is still early. It can be a real fear of how ex might react and losing his older children is a possibility. I would say give yourselves more time. Adjust and work out when to tell, or how long you go not telling. Maybe Christmas over and sharing news mid/late January.

GemmeFatale Sun 09-Dec-18 00:08:18

I wouldn’t be keeping it a secret. He can choose not to tell his ex and the kids (though I think it’s a terrible move). But you can tell family and friends if you want.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Sun 09-Dec-18 00:08:23

It must be quite hard for him if it was unplanned. Did he not use contraception?

SemperIdem Sun 09-Dec-18 00:12:51

I think he is feeling stressed about the impact the new baby is going to have on his relationship with his older children.

Is he otherwise being supportive of you and the baby?

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain Sun 09-Dec-18 00:18:10

...what’s his plan for when in 25 weeks time there’s a baby that just pops up out of the blue?

Does he think his ex will somehow be totally unbothered about being lied to (by omission) for the previous 9 months?

Linsalara Sun 09-Dec-18 00:19:42

1. I would find a framed US scan picture really creepy
2. I get that you're excited
3. You say he didn't seem bothered about the pregnancy.

Honey, had you even discussed having a baby with him?


Curlyheadedcutie Sun 09-Dec-18 10:15:34

I had a miscarriage, then he broke down to me saying that he was really getting into the idea that we were starting a family, we sat down sorted finances out etc and really talked about it and thought it's what we both want, and I've known him for years, just not romantically. So we stopped all contraception, I went the doctors to tell them I was ready for help to get pregnant, and before I could start the treatment I got pregnant.
I did bring up the fact that he needed to think about how his kids would feel about it, but he said they would be fine.

OP’s posts: |
Curlyheadedcutie Sun 09-Dec-18 10:16:27

@Linsalara why would it be creepy ?
He asked for a frame to put the scan in, so I got one personalised.....?

OP’s posts: |
MadameButterface Sun 09-Dec-18 10:24:03

It always stuns me when people plan pregnancies with partners they’ve been with about five minutes who have existing children and difficult relations with the children’s other parent, then act all surprised that it’s complicated

Curlyheadedcutie Sun 09-Dec-18 12:44:02

Well stay stunned ! Because I'm still pregnant shockshock

OP’s posts: |
Fontofnoknowledge Sun 09-Dec-18 22:49:25

Curlyheadedcutie. Sorry but the 'my partners ex will stop him seeing the kids' is utter bollocks ! and used as a convenient 'quietner ' to control new partners.
How could you refuse to comply with such a terrible threat hanging over him ? - I'll tell you how.
1. Announce your pregnancy.
2. See what happens.
2a ) nothing - all hot air and not wanting to own up to having another child.
2b) contact denied - pay £212 (free if on benefits/low income) to your local family court. Complete form C100 in triplicate . Wait 3-5 weeks . (She might even agree to mediation and get an agreement even quicker) If not DP goes to court. On the basis he has regular contact now, then ex won't have a leg to stand on.... contact will be awarded and will not be able to be fucked around with. Clear, simple , straightforward. Best for all concerned.

The 'ex won't let me see them' really is a lazy answer. And can be easily dealt with.

You don't need a solicitor.

Curlyheadedcutie Mon 10-Dec-18 14:50:07

Wow I didn't realise it was that simple, I just thought as the mother she could have the right to do that.
Thank you so much

OP’s posts: |
Fontofnoknowledge Sat 15-Dec-18 23:17:18

No the mother is ONE parent. The children have two. They are both EQAL in the eyes of the law as long as they were married when the kids were born OR he is named on BC. If he isn't named then he will have to make an additional step to gain Parental responsibility. PM me if you want to know how to do this without a lawyer.

Helsvamp Thu 09-May-19 11:46:42

His ex has no right telling him what to do he is with you . If both wanted a baby none of her business. I would tell her your pregnant and keeping it .

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