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Parents will be disappointed I'm pregnant again

(58 Posts)
ty1996 Thu 04-Oct-18 08:18:59

Hi, im 11 weeks pregnant and really worried about telling my parents and grandparents. I know they want me to finish college and get uni done, and I already have a 1 year old who they help me with whilst I'm in college. Anyway the other day we all went out for dinner and I was about to tell them, when they all started saying 'don't you be having another baby until you've got a good career behind you' 'I'm too old to be looking after another' (I wouldn't expect them to look after it) and 'we won't be helping you with this one' and it kind of made me realise they don't want me to have another yet. I'm 22. Now I'm more scared than ever about telling them because I know they won't be happy about it and they will be disappointed. However they all had children when they were 16,18,21, so they can't say I'm too young for two. I guess I'm basically asking for advice on how to tell them.

InfiniteVariety Thu 04-Oct-18 09:15:48

They all had children when they were 16, 18, 21, so they can't say I'm too young for two

Does it occur to you this might be precisely why they are saying it? Their own hard experience?

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:15:56

I would tell them the plan like you've told us.

You'll be able to finish college and go to Uni the year Plenty if people do that.

They might be a lot more reassured if you have a plan already.

There is something to say also for having babies younger then doing your career. Plenty of my friends are doing this now whilst I have young ones.

Courtney555 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:16:26

so I'm not asking too much of them

Perhaps it’s this entitled, selfish attitude that is making them unhappy at the prospect of another baby?

THIS. With bells on.

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:18:00

I don't get why she's already said she was perfectly fine with the baby going to Nursery.

Snappedandfarted2018 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:18:21

No one is being judgemental it’s just he reality of having two kids that posters are experienced with is hard never mind when you’re trying to finish you’re studies surely going to university will be a struggle with two small children?

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:19:09

It's hard yes but it's done now and OP wanted help dealing with it.

InfiniteVariety Thu 04-Oct-18 09:19:59

Are you sure they haven't guessed already that you are pregnant? The things you quote them as saying suggest they might, especially "we won't be helping you with this one"

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:20:33

I know quite a few people that have done this, most people go back to work often in demanding careers.

Her brain isn't going to fall out. It's just going to be that much harder to juggle.

glintandglide Thu 04-Oct-18 09:22:02

I’m one of those people who went back to demanding careers, but the difference is I could afford childcare and basically threw money at the problem. Can’t see that OP can do that realky?

boux Thu 04-Oct-18 09:22:55

There's not going to be an easy way to tell them you just have to kind of come out with it. They may be disappointed but they will come round eventually and may even be excited.
In contrast to other posters I actually think you're doing the right thing provided you can afford it. You already have one child and as you want another you might as well have them closer in age. Then you can focus on your career later without having to take any breaks. The only reason people don't generally do this is for financial reasons and because they want to 'enjoy their youth'. You already have a child and provided you can afford another I think it is the right time. Good luck with telling them.

SantaClauseMightWork Thu 04-Oct-18 09:24:09

I can see why they will be disappointed. Did you plan for this baby or was this an accident? I think the timing is very good but only if everyone was onboard and you were honest with them.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler Thu 04-Oct-18 09:27:33

I think they know (or at least strongly suspect).

I think (as there could, in all honesty, be some pretty valid reasons for them not being 100% delighted) that the best thing would be to tell them, face to face, in a happy way. While also making it completely clear how you and your (partner? Husband?) will be changing your routine or set up to avoid any extra work landing on your parents.

Eg “we’re so excited that we’re expecting DC2, the timing is great because I have my planned gap year so will be at home with the kids until [whenever]. DH is going for a promotion so we are likely to have more money coming in, and I am going to be able to get (funded hours childcare for DC1? Uni childcare place? Whatever your plan happens to be, basically). Isn’t it great!”

blackcat86 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:29:05

Don't listen to the judgement OP. In my experience most people are pretty full of it but the reality is you'll be the one carrying, birthing and presumably caring for the 2nd child. Can i ask why you're looking at uni? That's not a judgement as I went but that was over 10 years ago and it's just so expensive now. Unless you're actually going to come out qualified to do something that pays well I really wouldn't bother. Get a job and do an open university course. I think with regards to your parents you just have to tell them straight. I'm wondering if they already suspect given the timing of their comments? Ultimately you're an adult so as long as you understand the impact it will have on your life and you're not expecting anything from them it's none of their business. My parents and in laws pressure me into my first baby promising the world but haven't delivered so even when you think you have support in place it can all go wrong!

VioletCharlotte Thu 04-Oct-18 09:29:52

If you were a 17 year single parent who lived with them and was totally dependant on them for support, then I would see their point.

But you're a 22 year old woman, with a partner who works full time to support you all financially. They choose to help with childcare. It's none of their business! I get where they're coming from, they want you to finish your studies. But honestly, they need to realise you're an adult!

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:33:51

Exactly.

I would just bite the bullet & tell them, can't be much worse than telling Mumsnet grin

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 04-Oct-18 09:34:20

Some people on here are so judgemental

No, realistic.

You seem to be of the opinion that everyone should be as thrilled with your life choices as you are, despite it impacting heavily on them without them actually having any input on said choices.

Sorry to say it but your attitude makes you sound very immature.

Harrypotterfan1604 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:34:54

Hi Im currently 28weeks pregnant .org my first baby, I’m 28 and in the middle of a university degree. When I found out I was pregnant I’m not going to lie I was distraught because my career means the world to me and all I could think was oh god how will I ever manage to finish the degree now. I’m very lucky that when I told my family they all immediately offered help in order to get me through my degree but I can guarantee they’d be unhappy if I fell pregnant again during my studies.
You have to understand their concerns, they want you to have a decent career so you can provide well for your children and be financially stable.
Like I said I’m 28 and feel like I’ve had amazing 20s I’ve had nice holidays, learnt to drive, bought a house, had trips away with my friends and have generally enjoyed myself without any commitments. I have spent 10 years with my partner enjoying our lives before we had children to consider and that’s made us a stronger couple I think. Your family will be worried that you haven’t had chance to have those experiences at 22 with 2 children so understandably would have concerns but the longer you wait to tell them the worse it’s going to be.
Sit down with your partner discuss your options for childcare after your second baby is born and make a bit of a plan. Go together tell your families and explain to them you’ve thought about it and let them know what your plan is and hopefully this might settle their worries a bit.
Good luck

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:36:43

How is it impacting on them?

Some posters are being judgemental and gratuitously unpleasant.

OP is 22 with a full time working partner and about to finish a college course, she's perfectly able to made her own decisions on how where & when she has a baby.

glintandglide Thu 04-Oct-18 09:39:50

I think @blackcat86 makes a brilliant point- the other thing to do OP is to enrol in a local university and take evening classes after your partner is home

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 04-Oct-18 09:41:17

OP is 22 with a full time working partner and about to finish a college course, she's perfectly able to made her own decisions on how where & when she has a baby.

Yes she is, but sadly she doesnt seem to accept that by having another child she is placing an emotional choice on her parents. Do they inconvenience themselves by taking care of a child that they dont want to provide childcare for, or do they say "No, that one must go to nursery" and deal with the guilt of not caring for both grandchildren in the same way.

Hardly fair and hardly no impact on them.

Prettyvase Thu 04-Oct-18 09:49:27

What about the dad?

He'll obviously need to change his working habits to fit in a baby won't he?

Probably get his parents involved too!

Sounds like your parents said that because although they love your dd to bits, they are also wanting their freedom having brought up dc all their lives and want a break from it.

Anyway, they sound such lovely people op, you are really lucky because you know they'll adore any children you have and won't want you to suffer, even if they think you are totally selfish and irresponsible they won't tell you that, will they?

So if I were you I'd make a joke out of it: make them up a huge hamper of nappies and babywipes and tell them they got second time lucky! grin

I'm sure they'll be totally overjoyed hmm

WeirdCatLady Thu 04-Oct-18 09:49:32

So you’re 22, have no job and no plans to get one for many years? You expect them to look after your existing child to make your life easier and you are mad at them for daring to suggest that now is not the time to have yet another child?? Jeez OP, I feel sorry for them having to put up with you.

Equimum Thu 04-Oct-18 09:52:50

I think it’s very easy for family, and outsiders to judge, and to say people are making mistakes etc. What you probably need to do, for your own sake, is get a plan together before telling them, so they know how you are going to manage this.

I think there is still some funding available to students for childcare. There certainly was a couple of years ago. Many universities also have nurseries, and these can be quite flexible as they cater for people who don’t work 9-5. Look into these things, as lots of people do study with very young children. When i was doing my PhD, lots of the women in my department had babies and toddlers. It is hard work, and you have to be very self motivated, but (depending on what you are studying), university life can also be quite flexible.

I’d say take control of the situation, have a plan worked out and feel proud of what you are going to achieve.

Jent13c Thu 04-Oct-18 09:54:36

I had a baby during uni, he wasn’t planned as such but a very much wanted baby after many years trying. He just came at the wrong time!

Of course my mum had a comment about how on earth I was going to continue at uni with a baby but she had definitely come round once he was born. It’s actually much better career wise to have a baby during uni than to have one right after you graduate as your gap with baby would put you a year behind all the other graduates and you would be competeing with the following years grads. I received a small monthly bursary from uni during my maternity leave.

Uni is tough with a baby, you need strong support from your partner/husband and you basically have to have very little life, any time you are not at uni you have the baby and then when baby is in bed you are studying. You need to very organised. I have about 3 different childcare providers (flex nursery, MIL, baby sitter) and have to juggle it all very carefully.

In a way the other posters are just saying you shouldn’t expect your family to take the baby whilst you are at uni, you may have to look into childcare providers. However I agree they are pretty judgemental, in my mind telling someone to abort a baby and calling them selfish is just as bad as telling someone they have to keep a baby. It’s for sure not a pro choice view.

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 10:06:31

As she said before her parents wanted to have her child to spend time with them.

It's more than common that GPS May help with one but two would be a push, should none of those people have children in case it makes their parents feel bad?

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