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Welcome to the Mumsnet Birth Announcements forum, for announcing births and meeting others in our community. Visit our pregnancy resource hub for more information.

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Welcome to the Mumsnet Birth Announcements forum, for announcing births and meeting others in our community. Visit our pregnancy resource hub for more information.

Birth announcements

Parents will be disappointed I'm pregnant again

68 replies

ty1996 · 04/10/2018 08:18

Hi, im 11 weeks pregnant and really worried about telling my parents and grandparents. I know they want me to finish college and get uni done, and I already have a 1 year old who they help me with whilst I'm in college. Anyway the other day we all went out for dinner and I was about to tell them, when they all started saying 'don't you be having another baby until you've got a good career behind you' 'I'm too old to be looking after another' (I wouldn't expect them to look after it) and 'we won't be helping you with this one' and it kind of made me realise they don't want me to have another yet. I'm 22. Now I'm more scared than ever about telling them because I know they won't be happy about it and they will be disappointed. However they all had children when they were 16,18,21, so they can't say I'm too young for two. I guess I'm basically asking for advice on how to tell them.

OP posts:

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YeTalkShiteHen · 04/10/2018 08:23

My mother’s response when I told her about DS2 (my 3rd) was “oh for fucks sake, you’re joking aren’t you?” She came round eventually.

I’m sorry you’re having it so tough OP, honestly, I’d just come out with it and then leave them to come to you. It’s not fair for you to be stressed and upset.

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 08:27

It won't be easy to sugarcoat the pill, OP. You've just got to come out with it! But 2 are much harder to look after than one, especially when grandparents get a bit older or have their own jobs to do. Hopefully there's a good nursery at college. Good luck

Snappedandfarted2018 · 04/10/2018 08:29

Tbh they are right you been extremely lucky they have helped you with this one whilst you continued you’re studies and yet you have gotten yourself pregnant again. Realistically it’s harder to look after two especially two under 3 and you won’t get many volunteers to look after both. The financial impact of putting both in nursery will be double. Does you’re partner support you?

greendale17 · 04/10/2018 08:31

Surely you can see where they are coming from?

Who will look after the baby when you are at college then? No doubt it will fall to them as I can’t see how you could even afford childcare if you are at college.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/10/2018 08:33

At our local college you can get help towards funding for childcare, it’s worth speaking to your college to see if that’s an option for you.

glintandglide · 04/10/2018 08:36

Maybe you could reassure them that you won’t be expecting any additional help to what they already do and you have a plan to get yourself through college?

Also might be worth checking they are happy with the amount they do do, in case they want to reduce it- they don’t sound so happy from your post.

I think ultimately as long as you show you can stand on your own 2 feet and know what you’re doing they’ll be supportive- they sound lovely they way they help with your first

Kewqueue · 04/10/2018 08:39

Do you have a partner? Tbh I can understand them if they think they will have to look after the baby! You need to explain how exactly you are not going to be relying on them if you want to get them onside!

DonnaDarko · 04/10/2018 08:39

To be honest, I can see where they're coming from. Youre very young and you're in the middle of their studies. It doesn't matter how young they were when they had children - a couple of decades ago both childcare and education were MUCH more affordable.

If you are sure you won't need their help, you will need to make sure they are really aware of this. However, I also think it doesn't sound like they are actually happy with the current setup.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 08:45

I wouldn't be impressed if you were my child and I was looking after your 1-year-old already. Personally there's no way I could look after a baby and toddler these days. As long as you're going to be taking over all the caregiving, though, I guess it's your lookout.

FrancisCrawford · 04/10/2018 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

auntyflonono · 04/10/2018 08:53

If I was your mum I would support you wholeheartedly!

I suggest you send them a group email enthusiastically telling them the good news but also clearly outlining your expectations and that you wont be asking more from them, and with a plan for care for the baby going forward (maybe funding and college nursery?).

It would save you several telephone calls. If you want to send an email I'm sure we could all help you with the wording.

Will you have finished college by the time the baby arrives, or will you be half way through?

Grasswillbegreener · 04/10/2018 08:54

The timing is often not quite right. I recall my mother saying something along the lines of, don't go and get pregnant before your sister's wedding (in a well meaning way). So yes, I was about 6 months pregnant for it. Which did restrict my involvement due to travel distances and stuff.

Best wishes but I do hope you can juggle things around your studies eventually.

Floaty2018 · 04/10/2018 08:57

I suggest you send them a group email enthusiastically telling them the good news

Sorry, what?! What happened to good old fashioned, face to face, communication? Part of being an adult comes the responsibility and ability to own the consequences of your decisions.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/10/2018 08:59

Has it not occured to you that the reason they dont want you to have another until you have a decent career going is because they know how hard it is? They probably struggled for money, struggled with lower paid jobs/childcare/time because they had kids young. I know that I dont want my children to have their own families young precisely because I know what it costs in terms of lost opportunities and struggle, as I went through it.

In all honesty, if you were my daughter then I would support you but I would feel frustrated and pissed off that you would have a another so soon. Especially when you will probably want more childcare, because if you can manage without their help for 2, why are you using it for 1?

Where is the baby's father in all this?

eelbecomingforyou · 04/10/2018 08:59

I can see where they're coming from. I wouldn't be impressed if you were my child and I was looking after your 1-year-old already.

Are you with the baby's dad? isa he supportive? Can you afford to look after two children? Have you looked into creche/nursery at college?

You're 22. You have years and years in which to have children. Why on earth not finish college first?

InfiniteVariety · 04/10/2018 09:03

You say they help you with your 1 year old while you are at college yet go on to say you wouldn't expect them to look after the new baby - how so? Who will care for the new baby while you are at college? It is not unreasonable for your mother to assume it would fall to her if she is already looking after the first.

You do not mention the father - what role does he play in childcare?

ty1996 · 04/10/2018 09:07

The father works 8-6. I will be finished college by the time this one is due and was taking a year out then going to uni. So by the time I go to uni DD will be in nursery and my second will be 16 months. The op basically told me to go to college, I was happy just earning money, so it's not as if I put on them, they said go to college and we will have DD. My college is only 2 days a week also, 9-3 so I'm not asking too much of them.

OP posts:

Courtney555 · 04/10/2018 09:10

Of course they won't be happy. Not because they have any problem with a young mother, or any problem with the child. You want to complete college then go to uni, but you're already using your family to look after your one year old, and have just decided you're going to have another one.

You've put a massive guilt trip on them. If they don't look after your kids that you're choosing to have, then you can't finish your education. You can't afford childcare, you're in full time education. Presumably your partner can't make up the shortfall or your family wouldn't already be babysitting your existing child.

I'd be really pissed off if my daughter did this. It's a really self absorbed move.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:11

My college is only 2 days a week also, 9-3 so I'm not asking too much of them.

So with this next one you'll no longer be asking them to provide 6 hours of childcare and will be fully taking over your childcare duties? I'm confused. At any rate, LOL that 6 hours of childcare a week isn't asking too much of them. If they'd had to be in work during that time you'd have to pay someone to provide that.

ty1996 · 04/10/2018 09:11

Some people on here are so judgemental.I wasn't asking for judgement, I was asking for help in how to tell them. They adore having my DD now, even if I don't see them for one day they ring up and constantly ask me to take her around and drop her off so they can see her. I won't be in education anymore once this baby comes, and I will be taking a gap year from university.

OP posts:

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/10/2018 09:13

so I'm not asking too much of them

Perhaps it’s this entitled, selfish attitude that is making them unhappy at the prospect of another baby?

ty1996 · 04/10/2018 09:13

I also said I would put DD in a nursery whilst I go to college these two days and parents didn't want me to, they said they love having her and spending time with her.

OP posts:

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LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:14

Just ring them up or tell them next time they pick up your daughter.

glintandglide · 04/10/2018 09:14

Hi Op so you’ve already had your uni acceptance? Have you contacted them to defer a year? I think there is only a set amount of time you can do this in

InfiniteVariety · 04/10/2018 09:15

They all had children when they were 16, 18, 21, so they can't say I'm too young for two

Does it occur to you this might be precisely why they are saying it? Their own hard experience?

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