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Parents will be disappointed I'm pregnant again

(58 Posts)
ty1996 Thu 04-Oct-18 08:18:59

Hi, im 11 weeks pregnant and really worried about telling my parents and grandparents. I know they want me to finish college and get uni done, and I already have a 1 year old who they help me with whilst I'm in college. Anyway the other day we all went out for dinner and I was about to tell them, when they all started saying 'don't you be having another baby until you've got a good career behind you' 'I'm too old to be looking after another' (I wouldn't expect them to look after it) and 'we won't be helping you with this one' and it kind of made me realise they don't want me to have another yet. I'm 22. Now I'm more scared than ever about telling them because I know they won't be happy about it and they will be disappointed. However they all had children when they were 16,18,21, so they can't say I'm too young for two. I guess I'm basically asking for advice on how to tell them.

YeTalkShiteHen Thu 04-Oct-18 08:23:14

My mother’s response when I told her about DS2 (my 3rd) was “oh for fucks sake, you’re joking aren’t you?” She came round eventually.

I’m sorry you’re having it so tough OP, honestly, I’d just come out with it and then leave them to come to you. It’s not fair for you to be stressed and upset.

Singlenotsingle Thu 04-Oct-18 08:27:25

It won't be easy to sugarcoat the pill, OP. You've just got to come out with it! But 2 are much harder to look after than one, especially when grandparents get a bit older or have their own jobs to do. Hopefully there's a good nursery at college. Good luck

Snappedandfarted2018 Thu 04-Oct-18 08:29:04

Tbh they are right you been extremely lucky they have helped you with this one whilst you continued you’re studies and yet you have gotten yourself pregnant again. Realistically it’s harder to look after two especially two under 3 and you won’t get many volunteers to look after both. The financial impact of putting both in nursery will be double. Does you’re partner support you?

greendale17 Thu 04-Oct-18 08:31:27

Surely you can see where they are coming from?

Who will look after the baby when you are at college then? No doubt it will fall to them as I can’t see how you could even afford childcare if you are at college.

YeTalkShiteHen Thu 04-Oct-18 08:33:39

At our local college you can get help towards funding for childcare, it’s worth speaking to your college to see if that’s an option for you.

glintandglide Thu 04-Oct-18 08:36:01

Maybe you could reassure them that you won’t be expecting any additional help to what they already do and you have a plan to get yourself through college?

Also might be worth checking they are happy with the amount they do do, in case they want to reduce it- they don’t sound so happy from your post.

I think ultimately as long as you show you can stand on your own 2 feet and know what you’re doing they’ll be supportive- they sound lovely they way they help with your first

Kewqueue Thu 04-Oct-18 08:39:00

Do you have a partner? Tbh I can understand them if they think they will have to look after the baby! You need to explain how exactly you are not going to be relying on them if you want to get them onside!

DonnaDarko Thu 04-Oct-18 08:39:43

To be honest, I can see where they're coming from. Youre very young and you're in the middle of their studies. It doesn't matter how young they were when they had children - a couple of decades ago both childcare and education were MUCH more affordable.

If you are sure you won't need their help, you will need to make sure they are really aware of this. However, I also think it doesn't sound like they are actually happy with the current setup.

LeftRightCentre Thu 04-Oct-18 08:45:18

I wouldn't be impressed if you were my child and I was looking after your 1-year-old already. Personally there's no way I could look after a baby and toddler these days. As long as you're going to be taking over all the caregiving, though, I guess it's your lookout.

FrancisCrawford Thu 04-Oct-18 08:52:07

Do you and your partner have your own place?
Do you both have jobs?
How many hours a week do your DP/DGP look after your DC?

auntyflonono Thu 04-Oct-18 08:53:32

If I was your mum I would support you wholeheartedly!

I suggest you send them a group email enthusiastically telling them the good news but also clearly outlining your expectations and that you wont be asking more from them, and with a plan for care for the baby going forward (maybe funding and college nursery?).

It would save you several telephone calls. If you want to send an email I'm sure we could all help you with the wording.

Will you have finished college by the time the baby arrives, or will you be half way through?

Grasswillbegreener Thu 04-Oct-18 08:54:58

The timing is often not quite right. I recall my mother saying something along the lines of, don't go and get pregnant before your sister's wedding (in a well meaning way). So yes, I was about 6 months pregnant for it. Which did restrict my involvement due to travel distances and stuff.

Best wishes but I do hope you can juggle things around your studies eventually.

Floaty2018 Thu 04-Oct-18 08:57:49

I suggest you send them a group email enthusiastically telling them the good news

Sorry, what?! What happened to good old fashioned, face to face, communication? Part of being an adult comes the responsibility and ability to own the consequences of your decisions.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 04-Oct-18 08:59:45

Has it not occured to you that the reason they dont want you to have another until you have a decent career going is because they know how hard it is? They probably struggled for money, struggled with lower paid jobs/childcare/time because they had kids young. I know that I dont want my children to have their own families young precisely because I know what it costs in terms of lost opportunities and struggle, as I went through it.

In all honesty, if you were my daughter then I would support you but I would feel frustrated and pissed off that you would have a another so soon. Especially when you will probably want more childcare, because if you can manage without their help for 2, why are you using it for 1?

Where is the baby's father in all this?

eelbecomingforyou Thu 04-Oct-18 08:59:52

I can see where they're coming from. I wouldn't be impressed if you were my child and I was looking after your 1-year-old already.

Are you with the baby's dad? isa he supportive? Can you afford to look after two children? Have you looked into creche/nursery at college?

You're 22. You have years and years in which to have children. Why on earth not finish college first?

InfiniteVariety Thu 04-Oct-18 09:03:04

You say they help you with your 1 year old while you are at college yet go on to say you wouldn't expect them to look after the new baby - how so? Who will care for the new baby while you are at college? It is not unreasonable for your mother to assume it would fall to her if she is already looking after the first.

You do not mention the father - what role does he play in childcare?

ty1996 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:07:48

The father works 8-6. I will be finished college by the time this one is due and was taking a year out then going to uni. So by the time I go to uni DD will be in nursery and my second will be 16 months. The op basically told me to go to college, I was happy just earning money, so it's not as if I put on them, they said go to college and we will have DD. My college is only 2 days a week also, 9-3 so I'm not asking too much of them.

Courtney555 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:10:07

Of course they won't be happy. Not because they have any problem with a young mother, or any problem with the child. You want to complete college then go to uni, but you're already using your family to look after your one year old, and have just decided you're going to have another one.

You've put a massive guilt trip on them. If they don't look after your kids that you're choosing to have, then you can't finish your education. You can't afford childcare, you're in full time education. Presumably your partner can't make up the shortfall or your family wouldn't already be babysitting your existing child.

I'd be really pissed off if my daughter did this. It's a really self absorbed move.

LeftRightCentre Thu 04-Oct-18 09:11:29

My college is only 2 days a week also, 9-3 so I'm not asking too much of them.

So with this next one you'll no longer be asking them to provide 6 hours of childcare and will be fully taking over your childcare duties? I'm confused. At any rate, LOL that 6 hours of childcare a week isn't asking too much of them. If they'd had to be in work during that time you'd have to pay someone to provide that.

ty1996 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:11:40

Some people on here are so judgemental.I wasn't asking for judgement, I was asking for help in how to tell them. They adore having my DD now, even if I don't see them for one day they ring up and constantly ask me to take her around and drop her off so they can see her. I won't be in education anymore once this baby comes, and I will be taking a gap year from university.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Thu 04-Oct-18 09:13:37

so I'm not asking too much of them

Perhaps it’s this entitled, selfish attitude that is making them unhappy at the prospect of another baby?

ty1996 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:13:39

I also said I would put DD in a nursery whilst I go to college these two days and parents didn't want me to, they said they love having her and spending time with her.

LeftRightCentre Thu 04-Oct-18 09:14:20

Just ring them up or tell them next time they pick up your daughter.

glintandglide Thu 04-Oct-18 09:14:54

Hi Op so you’ve already had your uni acceptance? Have you contacted them to defer a year? I think there is only a set amount of time you can do this in

InfiniteVariety Thu 04-Oct-18 09:15:48

They all had children when they were 16, 18, 21, so they can't say I'm too young for two

Does it occur to you this might be precisely why they are saying it? Their own hard experience?

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:15:56

I would tell them the plan like you've told us.

You'll be able to finish college and go to Uni the year Plenty if people do that.

They might be a lot more reassured if you have a plan already.

There is something to say also for having babies younger then doing your career. Plenty of my friends are doing this now whilst I have young ones.

Courtney555 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:16:26

so I'm not asking too much of them

Perhaps it’s this entitled, selfish attitude that is making them unhappy at the prospect of another baby?

THIS. With bells on.

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:18:00

I don't get why she's already said she was perfectly fine with the baby going to Nursery.

Snappedandfarted2018 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:18:21

No one is being judgemental it’s just he reality of having two kids that posters are experienced with is hard never mind when you’re trying to finish you’re studies surely going to university will be a struggle with two small children?

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:19:09

It's hard yes but it's done now and OP wanted help dealing with it.

InfiniteVariety Thu 04-Oct-18 09:19:59

Are you sure they haven't guessed already that you are pregnant? The things you quote them as saying suggest they might, especially "we won't be helping you with this one"

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:20:33

I know quite a few people that have done this, most people go back to work often in demanding careers.

Her brain isn't going to fall out. It's just going to be that much harder to juggle.

glintandglide Thu 04-Oct-18 09:22:02

I’m one of those people who went back to demanding careers, but the difference is I could afford childcare and basically threw money at the problem. Can’t see that OP can do that realky?

boux Thu 04-Oct-18 09:22:55

There's not going to be an easy way to tell them you just have to kind of come out with it. They may be disappointed but they will come round eventually and may even be excited.
In contrast to other posters I actually think you're doing the right thing provided you can afford it. You already have one child and as you want another you might as well have them closer in age. Then you can focus on your career later without having to take any breaks. The only reason people don't generally do this is for financial reasons and because they want to 'enjoy their youth'. You already have a child and provided you can afford another I think it is the right time. Good luck with telling them.

SantaClauseMightWork Thu 04-Oct-18 09:24:09

I can see why they will be disappointed. Did you plan for this baby or was this an accident? I think the timing is very good but only if everyone was onboard and you were honest with them.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler Thu 04-Oct-18 09:27:33

I think they know (or at least strongly suspect).

I think (as there could, in all honesty, be some pretty valid reasons for them not being 100% delighted) that the best thing would be to tell them, face to face, in a happy way. While also making it completely clear how you and your (partner? Husband?) will be changing your routine or set up to avoid any extra work landing on your parents.

Eg “we’re so excited that we’re expecting DC2, the timing is great because I have my planned gap year so will be at home with the kids until [whenever]. DH is going for a promotion so we are likely to have more money coming in, and I am going to be able to get (funded hours childcare for DC1? Uni childcare place? Whatever your plan happens to be, basically). Isn’t it great!”

blackcat86 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:29:05

Don't listen to the judgement OP. In my experience most people are pretty full of it but the reality is you'll be the one carrying, birthing and presumably caring for the 2nd child. Can i ask why you're looking at uni? That's not a judgement as I went but that was over 10 years ago and it's just so expensive now. Unless you're actually going to come out qualified to do something that pays well I really wouldn't bother. Get a job and do an open university course. I think with regards to your parents you just have to tell them straight. I'm wondering if they already suspect given the timing of their comments? Ultimately you're an adult so as long as you understand the impact it will have on your life and you're not expecting anything from them it's none of their business. My parents and in laws pressure me into my first baby promising the world but haven't delivered so even when you think you have support in place it can all go wrong!

VioletCharlotte Thu 04-Oct-18 09:29:52

If you were a 17 year single parent who lived with them and was totally dependant on them for support, then I would see their point.

But you're a 22 year old woman, with a partner who works full time to support you all financially. They choose to help with childcare. It's none of their business! I get where they're coming from, they want you to finish your studies. But honestly, they need to realise you're an adult!

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:33:51

Exactly.

I would just bite the bullet & tell them, can't be much worse than telling Mumsnet grin

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 04-Oct-18 09:34:20

Some people on here are so judgemental

No, realistic.

You seem to be of the opinion that everyone should be as thrilled with your life choices as you are, despite it impacting heavily on them without them actually having any input on said choices.

Sorry to say it but your attitude makes you sound very immature.

Harrypotterfan1604 Thu 04-Oct-18 09:34:54

Hi Im currently 28weeks pregnant .org my first baby, I’m 28 and in the middle of a university degree. When I found out I was pregnant I’m not going to lie I was distraught because my career means the world to me and all I could think was oh god how will I ever manage to finish the degree now. I’m very lucky that when I told my family they all immediately offered help in order to get me through my degree but I can guarantee they’d be unhappy if I fell pregnant again during my studies.
You have to understand their concerns, they want you to have a decent career so you can provide well for your children and be financially stable.
Like I said I’m 28 and feel like I’ve had amazing 20s I’ve had nice holidays, learnt to drive, bought a house, had trips away with my friends and have generally enjoyed myself without any commitments. I have spent 10 years with my partner enjoying our lives before we had children to consider and that’s made us a stronger couple I think. Your family will be worried that you haven’t had chance to have those experiences at 22 with 2 children so understandably would have concerns but the longer you wait to tell them the worse it’s going to be.
Sit down with your partner discuss your options for childcare after your second baby is born and make a bit of a plan. Go together tell your families and explain to them you’ve thought about it and let them know what your plan is and hopefully this might settle their worries a bit.
Good luck

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 09:36:43

How is it impacting on them?

Some posters are being judgemental and gratuitously unpleasant.

OP is 22 with a full time working partner and about to finish a college course, she's perfectly able to made her own decisions on how where & when she has a baby.

glintandglide Thu 04-Oct-18 09:39:50

I think @blackcat86 makes a brilliant point- the other thing to do OP is to enrol in a local university and take evening classes after your partner is home

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 04-Oct-18 09:41:17

OP is 22 with a full time working partner and about to finish a college course, she's perfectly able to made her own decisions on how where & when she has a baby.

Yes she is, but sadly she doesnt seem to accept that by having another child she is placing an emotional choice on her parents. Do they inconvenience themselves by taking care of a child that they dont want to provide childcare for, or do they say "No, that one must go to nursery" and deal with the guilt of not caring for both grandchildren in the same way.

Hardly fair and hardly no impact on them.

Prettyvase Thu 04-Oct-18 09:49:27

What about the dad?

He'll obviously need to change his working habits to fit in a baby won't he?

Probably get his parents involved too!

Sounds like your parents said that because although they love your dd to bits, they are also wanting their freedom having brought up dc all their lives and want a break from it.

Anyway, they sound such lovely people op, you are really lucky because you know they'll adore any children you have and won't want you to suffer, even if they think you are totally selfish and irresponsible they won't tell you that, will they?

So if I were you I'd make a joke out of it: make them up a huge hamper of nappies and babywipes and tell them they got second time lucky! grin

I'm sure they'll be totally overjoyed hmm

WeirdCatLady Thu 04-Oct-18 09:49:32

So you’re 22, have no job and no plans to get one for many years? You expect them to look after your existing child to make your life easier and you are mad at them for daring to suggest that now is not the time to have yet another child?? Jeez OP, I feel sorry for them having to put up with you.

Equimum Thu 04-Oct-18 09:52:50

I think it’s very easy for family, and outsiders to judge, and to say people are making mistakes etc. What you probably need to do, for your own sake, is get a plan together before telling them, so they know how you are going to manage this.

I think there is still some funding available to students for childcare. There certainly was a couple of years ago. Many universities also have nurseries, and these can be quite flexible as they cater for people who don’t work 9-5. Look into these things, as lots of people do study with very young children. When i was doing my PhD, lots of the women in my department had babies and toddlers. It is hard work, and you have to be very self motivated, but (depending on what you are studying), university life can also be quite flexible.

I’d say take control of the situation, have a plan worked out and feel proud of what you are going to achieve.

Jent13c Thu 04-Oct-18 09:54:36

I had a baby during uni, he wasn’t planned as such but a very much wanted baby after many years trying. He just came at the wrong time!

Of course my mum had a comment about how on earth I was going to continue at uni with a baby but she had definitely come round once he was born. It’s actually much better career wise to have a baby during uni than to have one right after you graduate as your gap with baby would put you a year behind all the other graduates and you would be competeing with the following years grads. I received a small monthly bursary from uni during my maternity leave.

Uni is tough with a baby, you need strong support from your partner/husband and you basically have to have very little life, any time you are not at uni you have the baby and then when baby is in bed you are studying. You need to very organised. I have about 3 different childcare providers (flex nursery, MIL, baby sitter) and have to juggle it all very carefully.

In a way the other posters are just saying you shouldn’t expect your family to take the baby whilst you are at uni, you may have to look into childcare providers. However I agree they are pretty judgemental, in my mind telling someone to abort a baby and calling them selfish is just as bad as telling someone they have to keep a baby. It’s for sure not a pro choice view.

PiggyPoos Thu 04-Oct-18 10:06:31

As she said before her parents wanted to have her child to spend time with them.

It's more than common that GPS May help with one but two would be a push, should none of those people have children in case it makes their parents feel bad?

MamaJune Thu 04-Oct-18 10:06:47

I would just tell them but try to overcome their objections before they have a chance to bring them up so they can see you have a plan in place.

- We are having another baby, it is due on X date so I will have completed college by then and be in month X of my gap year and will have saved up X by then for additional childcare for the start of uni which will also mean that I can pay for and arrange childcare for both children without needed to rely on you. I really appreciate all of your help looking after DD this past year which has given me a great boost in getting through college and has put me in a position to now not need any more help and be fully self sufficient for my family.

Prettyvase Thu 04-Oct-18 10:26:58

Haha Mamajune, this would be the plan of somebody who is thoughtful and considerate of others grin

MamaJune Thu 04-Oct-18 21:35:48

@Prettyvase yes, my heads are mostly up in the clouds trying to see the best in people grin

Cosmoa Thu 11-Oct-18 21:55:27

Wow people really kissed the point of the OP didn't they!!

She didn't moan about her parents or suggest didn't understand what they were saying. She was just explaining what they had said to clarify why she was struggling to tell them about this pregnancy.

Get off your high horses! Jeez!

Best of luck to you OP. Congratulations on the new pregnancy smile

Cosmoa Thu 11-Oct-18 21:56:10

Missed the point! Not kissed.. 🙄

loveiseverything Fri 07-Dec-18 22:02:10

My fiancé and I have a DD of almost 2. We planned to wait another 2 years before baby number 2 but to our surprise we've recently found out baby number 2 is due in June next year. I worried what my mam would say especially as I experienced pretty bad post natal depression and felt as though we were going to be told we must be stupid.
My best friend and fiancé got together and physically put me in the car and took me to my parents to tell them. My partner just handed the pregnancy test to my mam, her face was blank, she looked up at me and said 'how do you feel about it?' I replied 'over the moon' to which she grabbed me into a mammy hug and told us how excited and over the moon she was. She told me she didn't react straight away as she was afraid I wasn't happy and didn't want me to feel guilty if she was over the moon for us but we weren't happy about it.
Moral of the story is...you may be expecting the worst when actually they'll be really happy for you
Good luck and congratulations

Jt123 Tue 22-Jan-19 20:23:00

What is with people on here - surely it’s about being supportive! We’re talking about a life - congratulations! I think you will be just fine, it’s no ones business if you decide to have a baby - ur not a drug addict, your child isn’t in care! We’re here to procreate! More life! I’m on my fourth! Chin chin

Monty1755 Wed 20-Feb-19 11:54:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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