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Announcing pregnancy after family bereavement

(18 Posts)
Clacton Sat 22-Sep-18 07:19:41

Hi, hoping you could give some advice!
We have just found out we are expecting after trying for 19 months. Close family and friends know that we have been TTC.
Unfortunately, the day before we found out, I was given the news that my Nanna was unlikely to make it through the next few days. She's currently still battling on but I am expecting to attend her funeral in the next two weeks. I am already obviously showing and people will notice if I'm not drinking, especially with it being a funeral and because they know we were TTC.
We are going for a private scan next Friday to date the pregnancy as I have PCOS and am unsure when I ovulated (yep it was the one month I didn't check!!) and think it would be best to tell my family after this. Is it inappropriate to tell them during this time? Should I wait for a few weeks?

stellabird Sat 22-Sep-18 07:26:37

You'd be surprised at how long it can take, when the doctors announce that the end is near. If you are obviously showing I'd tell them now. Best wishes to you .

WoogleCone Sat 22-Sep-18 07:29:05

We kind of had this situation, I wasn't showing though so less difficult in that regard.

My grandma had just died and it wasn't right to tell my step dad at the time as he was still very upset. I told my mum and said to her that we would wait to tell him. It was actually the evening of the funeral when we all got back to their house that he was starting to joke around (his normal self) and he joked with my younger brothers girlfriend about them having kids. It seemed a natural way in, gave my mum the nod, she nodded back and we told him. He was elated and turned out to be the perfect way to tell, he was really glad to have something positive on that day.
I think go and just take the temperature of the room at the time.

Drink soda or tonic and pretend it's a G&T or something, or better yet if everyone else knows your TTC just say you're being good in an effort to make it happen. Also a nice flouncy top to take the attention away.

I'm sorry for your loss but also congratulations on the little one flowers

WoogleCone Sat 22-Sep-18 07:30:30

Sorry I just reread and saw she's still battling on. I'd tell now. Give them something positive to think about x

Verbena87 Sat 22-Sep-18 07:30:45

If your Nanna is awake and aware, would you like to tell her? I think in your position I might like to let a grandparent know, especially if I thought they’d be glad for me. So that could be an argument for telling family sooner.

Really is up to you though. I think at a funeral people are more likely to be dealing with their grief than keeping tabs on who is/isn’t drinking.

MagicAlwaysLeadsToTrouble Sat 22-Sep-18 07:32:20

I would tell too.

It’s likely your pregnancy will give your family much joy, which will be welcomed at this difficult time.

I found out I was pregnant just before my FIL was diagnosed as terminal. I remember feeling so odd about it. Like my family had enough going on and a pregnancy felt like it complicated that in some way.

But I need not have worried, it was added joy in a really hard time for us all. The pregnancy reminded us all that life goes on and we will have happiness to come, no matter what happened.

As it happened my FIL passed away just a couple of weeks before our DD was born. My poor DH buried his Dad and then became a Dad in the same week.

But then, a newborn baby in the family was wonderful and she helped us all so much with our grief.

Congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy, share your news, and let them share the joy your baby will bring.

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain Sat 22-Sep-18 07:34:06

In some ways it helps to make sense of the loss.

I told my mum the morning of her aunty’s funeral. She told her cousin and he was delighted. Still talks about it 17 years on, how it was a bright moment the day of his mother’s funeral.

LusaCole Sat 22-Sep-18 07:34:22

I agree - tell now. There will be mixed emotions flying around but I don't think you should feel you have to hide this.

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain Sat 22-Sep-18 07:34:57

And congratulations flowers

Clacton Sat 22-Sep-18 08:39:59

Thank you all so much for your advice and well wishes.
My nanna is 97 and has dementia so I really wouldn't feel right telling her as it would make her so confused.
I will wait till we are back off holiday and have had the scan and assess how my family are dealing with it then. It's reassuring to know that you all think it will help and that they will see the good news for what it is.


DrWhy Sat 22-Sep-18 08:44:00

Definitely tell people, we told my parents when at the time we thought dad was just a bit unwell. Turns out he had stage 4 cancer and we’d lost him within 4 weeks. The thought of the baby seemed to keep everyone going although I found it very hard. Lots of people made comments about how one life ended and another one began, which really really upset me because I felt like if I hadn’t got pregnant dad wouldn’t have died but just prepare yourself for those and give your family something happy to think about.

stellabird Sat 22-Sep-18 08:49:10

To be honest, if she is 97 and has dementia, I'd guess that your parents will be relieved when the end comes. When you get to middle age, the death of your parents isn't a great shock at all, it's expected.

BGDino Sat 29-Sep-18 05:02:34

DH and I were originally supposed to find out if we were pregnant after ovulation induction via a blood test, but a few days before I got impatient and did a HPT (and a second the following day to confirm).

The night after the second HPT, my nearly 93 year old grandfather, who had been ill for months, video called from hospital in Hong Kong to tell me he had decided to stop all treatment as he was suffering too much. I knew instantly that he was calling to say goodbye. DH and I hadn’t planned on saying anything until the blood test to be 100% certain but somehow we knew that we wouldn’t get another chance. Cue the happy tears all round. My grandfather had actually asked me on one of my previous trips to HK if DH and I were planning on having children, and when I’d said we were trying, he’d said not to leave it too long.

Just over a week after that video call, my grandfather mercifully passed away (as I said, he was suffering). My last memory of my grandfather is of him with a big smile on his face, telling me how happy he was to hear our news and that he wished the 3 of us well. It turns out that was my last ever conversation with him and really the last day he was really lucid, had we waited any longer to tell him he would not really have understood what we were saying.

I had to have ovulation induction to conceive our little dumpling, due to a combination of PCOS and hypothalamic dysregulation secondary to medication, and it has been a battle to get my mental health stable enough to conceive and keep it steady during the treatment process.

My husband thinks that the timing surely can’t be a coincidence and that somehow this baby is meant to be, and I’d say I agree.

I went to Hong Kong for my grandfather’s funeral last weekend (it takes awhile to lay people to rest there) and a couple of relatives noticed I wasn’t drinking, but as I’ve visited and not drank previously without explanation (usually due to being mentally unwell and having medication adjusted) I don’t know if they’ve guessed necessarily. We’re deliberately waiting until 12 weeks to tell family (I’m 8+5/40 today) as it just doesn’t feel right for us at the moment, particularly as my aunt (who was very close to my grandfather) still has a lot of grieving to do.

I like to think that as my brother said at the funeral, my grandfather and grandmother are together again, up in the stars, watching over us smile

LadyFlangeWidget Sat 29-Sep-18 05:53:07

Gosh dino that's really.moving.
Good luckto you. Thanks for sharing your story..x

ittooshallpass Sat 29-Sep-18 06:51:14

I think it depends on the situation. The death of a very sick and elderly family member, whilst sad, is expected, so sharing your news now could give your family something good to focus on at a difficult time.

My dad assed away unexpectedly; it was a massive shock. I was on autopilot at the funeral. The whole day was surreal. A family friend chose the funeral wake to bounce around the room announcing her pregnancy. I'm afraid I couldn't share in her joy and thought her timing was so insensitive and utterly selfish. Whilst I was fighting to hold it together, she was beaming with excitement. It was dreadful.

You don't fall into that category OP! You are showing kindness and sensitivity. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Give your family your lovely news now.

CC4490 Sat 29-Sep-18 07:13:45

We had a similar situation, my grandad passed on a Thursday and I found out we were expecting on the Saturday.
We decided to get through the funeral then tell the family.
Normally I wouldn’t have wanted to tell them all until a bit later on but we told all the family because of the bereavement and it was actually really nice to have some happy news. We think of our little boy as grandads parting gift.
Not drinking at the wake was tough especially as it was at my grandads local and he had been in before he passed to put a load of money behind the bar so nobody bought a drink all night! I got through the wake by feigning an emergency dental appointment the next morning.
Sorry to hear you’re going through a difficult time OP.

Clacton Wed 03-Oct-18 13:15:33

@BGDino sorry to hear your sad story, but also your fantastic news! We were just about to start fertility treatment due to my PCOS when we found out.

Just as an update, my nanna is still with us! And we have told our parents as we weren't sure how long we had before she passed and didn't want to have to wait too long. Needless to say they were over the moon.

We haven't told my nanna, as she isn't sure who any of us are at the minute anyway. But I'm really pleased that we did tell them and my nanna being ill pushed us to do it earlier.

Thanks all for your great advice x

PoohBearsHole Wed 03-Oct-18 13:24:57

I’m so glad you told them.

I lost a family member shortly before discovering I was pg. His partner had looked at me when we heard the news (I was with her) and said, “we need some good news, we need a new life, I hope you are going to think about it soon”. Two weeks later I had a + test. After parents and IL she was the next person we told.
She calls dc his replacement here and she has said in dark times she had something to look forward to.

Announcing a new life, but not expecting a huge fanfare, can give a lift to those grieving.

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