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Close friend struggling with our news

(13 Posts)
baconsandwiches Mon 13-Feb-17 11:00:25

Hi all, a few weeks ago told one of my closest friendship groups I was pregnant. I was a bit apprehensive but the news went down well and everybody seemed excited and positive, apart from one friend who was less enthusiastic.
I know she has been trying for quite a few months and encountered issues so I was always worried this would affect her, and although we were fortunate to conceive after just a few months so I can't completely put myself in her position, I really feel for her and want to be as sensitive as possible.
Since I shared the news, she hasn't acknowledged me being pregnant despite seeing her in person regularly, and one time completely ignored me. Other people in our friendship group are now avoiding any mention of it when she is around, and I've found myself thinking twice before I speak incase I accidentally say something that refers to me being pregnant, and I've started to feel ashamed and guilty whenever I'm around these friends. I'm not the sort of person who wants to talk about it that much anyway, but avoiding any mention of it entirely is hard work and really puts a downer on something that I think I should be celebrating and trying to see as positively as possible.
One of the most difficult parts is that this friend is completely fine with other babies, including a close friend of hers who has recently had one, and she was so excited throughout the whole pregnancy and now regularly sees the baby. I'm trying not to take it personally but other than distancing myself from the group for the next few months, I'm struggling to know what to do.
I really want to be able to talk to my friend openly but she's been quite closed off and I don't think any sort of confrontation is the right thing at this stage.
Has anyone dealt with something similar/ were you able to resolve it?
Many thanks in advance x

SleepFreeZone Mon 13-Feb-17 11:12:06

I honestly think you are just going to have to thank your stars you are able to get pregnant and just be more thoughtful around these particular friends.

I have been both sides of this fence and totally understand both viewpoints. I have been the person who conceived easily and had a problem free pregnancy and found it really bloody annoying to be patronised by two girls who struggled with conception and had difficult pregnancies. I can remember them totally shutting me out of conversations when we went out with our babies and I thought they were cows.

Fast forward three years and having had three miscarriages I suddenly felt totally shut out of these groups once more as I was the black sheep who couldn't get pregnant and couldn't stay pregnant. I didn't want to hear about anyone's pregnancy, didn't want to see a bump, although j could cope with babies.

So you are very lucky indeed and given the choice I'm sure your friend would love to be in your position over hers.

SleepFreeZone Mon 13-Feb-17 11:13:21

By the way I did go on to have DS2 and I'm now extremely happy and feel ridiculously fortunate. But I still look at pregnant people with envy.

Drinkstoomuchjuice Mon 13-Feb-17 11:14:45

It may be a timing thing if she is ok with other babies; she may have just found out that this month isn't her month again, or her dh may have put a stall on trying for a few months. I have been on both sides of this now; I wasn't jealous of friend's babies, but it was more of an emotional heart-wrench when I saw them; I felt like a huge failure, and it led to me appearing very stand-offish and as though I didn't like children. Nothing could have been farther from the truth, but for some stupid reason it was how my silly body reacted.

Now we are finally having a little one, and we have friends that don't have children yet. The last time we saw them the husband couldn't stop staring at my tummy, but didn't say a word about it (and neither did we) and the wife just blanked me and flirted with my dp. It was awkward to say the least! But we will keep asking if they want to do things together, and go from there.

I really do feel for you. I would say just keep trying with the group as a whole. You are pregnant, it is a wonderful thing, and even if it does feel a bit awkward at times, you should be allowed to enjoy it, as I'm sure she will be allowed to when she gets the good news too xx

BarbieBrightSide Mon 13-Feb-17 11:14:52

Firstly, congratulations!

I was that friend, the one who couldn't conceive a second (or third!) child after making some new mum friends with my first. I distanced myself from that friendship group as it was painful to see them expecting while I was failing.

So while you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, try not to take it personally (hard, I know). Your friend might just be protecting herself and taking time to get her head around the reality of your good news.

In my case, once the various babies were born I was fine, it was the pregnancy bit that I found hard to deal with.

Lastly, congratulations again!

Noora Mon 20-Feb-17 14:54:51

First of all, my congratulations! Dear you are right. You shouldn't take it personally. I think as she is your friend she should be happy for you! If she has any problems with you being pregnant, these are her problems, not yours. I understand she might be kinda sad. But at the same time she makes you feel guilty in some way that you've got pregnant.

I know how it feels when your friends are getting pregnant and you aren't. It was really hard for me to be happy and supportive when my friends were pregnant and I was having my MCs. Of course I felt sad. It was not easy to talk with them about having kids. But they are my friends! This is not their fault I'm infertile. I've always tried not to show them my pain and I was sincerely happy for people I care about.

If this friend is your close friend then I think you should talk to her. Maybe she needs support or maybe she needs to vent. But if she's just a person who you see from time to time, then I think you shouldn't pay attention to her attitude. Honestly I think this is rude she treats you like that now.

user1474299685 Mon 20-Feb-17 19:43:26

Aww it rubbish situation to be in I've been in that perstion. Me my partner was trying to convince and everyone my sister my sister law, best friend was announcing. They were pregnant and I couldn't help but feel a bit jealous and distanced my self. It horrible situation to be in maybe say something because sometimes there a little more to it you should never have to worry about talking about your pregnancy hope it works out x

chatnanny Tue 07-Mar-17 08:04:31

My BF and I went through this. She TTC for 8 years during which time I had 3 children. But we always talked about it, I said how guilty I felt and she said it was hard but loved my children. We got through it and she miraculously conceived naturally at age 38 and again a year later. She had endometriosis and having one sorted it out. I think the key, as in so much in life, is communication. We are still the closest of friends.

FrostyPopThePenguinLord Mon 27-Mar-17 01:30:49

Congratulations!! Sadly I'm speaking from the other side as well, it's a catch 22, I'm of the age where everyone in my friendship groups are getting married and getting pregnant and we suffered an ectopic in January and it hit me quite hard. I think it can be worse when it's someone close and/or it would have been similar timing to when you would have been due.
I'm fine with friends babies because it's not a pregnancy any more to me (I'm explaining this badly) and that's the bit that went wrong for me.
I have a very close family friend who is 1 month ahead of where I would have been and I find it very hard to be around her and my family at the same time. They are all thrilled and want to coo over it and talk about how she is feeling ( btw I don't care how bad your morning sickness/cravings/heartburn/whatever is, never complain about it in front of someone who has had a loss or difficulty conceiving, we would do anything to be suffering that, morbid I know xx).
I am beyond happy for her and I will be fine when baby is born but I can't be around her for a long time because something will happen, she had to go and throw up the other day and she came back from the loo and I was crying.
I've had to have a chat with her and my family about it because I don't want them thinking I'm an awful bitch, which has honestly helped, she is a lovely person and isn't taking it personally that I can't be as involved as I was before.
I think with loss/difficulty it can be difficult to be around pregnant women because you are not sure what will set you off, I ran out of my mothers birthday party because she made an innocent comment about craving olives...bizarre I know but it set me off.
You shouldn't feel uncomfortable with your friends but I think having a chat with her might help, it doesn't have to be a confrontation. If you are understanding as well it might break through more, ' I know why you are feeling uncomfortable around me and I understand if you want to keep some distance whilst it's difficult but I'm always here for you when you feel able etc etc '

Good luck I hope it goes well xxx

GraceBlish Sun 30-Apr-17 17:28:33

As other people have said, don't take it personally and just focus on you and your other half for a while.
I struggled to conceive for almost three years, had surgery as both tubes were blocked and was told to start ivf application. I hit a serious depression and one of my best friends announced her pregnancy at this time. I couldn't speak to her for a while and didn't even want to know about the pregnancy. It is one of the hardest times for a woman.
But the time will pass and she will accept it in her own time ❤ don't confront her or even mention it around her if it makes it easier. I know it seems unfair but what she's going through is also unfair too.
Good luck with everything, and a massive congrats ☺✌❤ xxx

Twinmummytobe Sun 30-Apr-17 18:39:22

Hi I have been on the other side of this but sadly there's nothing you can do. You haven't done anything wrong - she's just unfortunately sensitive to that topic. I personally never did this when my friends got pregnant despite it being hard but I would just say unless she brings it up to you I wouldn't mention it. Perhaps In group situations just make sure it isn't all baby talk as I remember this hurt a lot. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! Don't let anyone tear you down this is the happiest time in your life

MrsCobain Sun 30-Apr-17 18:51:34

I'm on with babies. Not so much with pregnant people. More so in the early stages too.

StealthPolarBear Sun 30-Apr-17 18:56:29

Congratulations op. As a pp said the reason she might have been ok with another friends pregnancy but not yours might just be timing. She might have had some bad news and be struggling.

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