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Mum wants to come visit the new baby

(26 Posts)
babsie007 Thu 19-Dec-13 23:59:07

Sorry if this thread isn't in the right place....

We are due out first dd in 4 weeks time and my mum is already talking about coming over from Ireland to England to visit.

I don't have a very good relationship with my mum and things are fraught at the best if times. She's a domineering know-it-all who doesn't know when to keep her opinions to herself.

I'm not keen on her coming in the first 2 weeks for a few reasons... 1) I expect me and my husband will be very tired and on short fuses - my mum will have to stay with us when she is here so there will be no kicking her out when we have had enough! 2) husband only gets 2 weeks paternity leave and I really want him to have this time to get to know his daughter without anyone interference before we have any visitors that stay with us.

On the other hand, this is the first grandchild for my mum so I know she's excited.

What have been your experiences in those first few weeks? Anyone else had to deal with parents or in laws visiting from a distance?

BetterWithCranberryWensleydale Fri 20-Dec-13 00:04:32

I tried to put my mum off coming until baby was a month old but she literally pouted until I relented. She arrived day DS was born and I wish I'd stuck to my guns as she was a right pain in the ass. She was useless at helping in any way other than holding him but created more work for us. She was there for three weeks and I really feared that either me or DH would say something irreparably damaging to our relationship with her. We got through it but it sucked. Try and suggest a few weeks to yourselves if possible!

BetterWithCranberryWensleydale Fri 20-Dec-13 00:06:18

And yes DH's paternity leave was marred by running around after my mother. It really was awful sad.

Trooperslane Fri 20-Dec-13 03:32:09

Put your foot down.

Could she come for the day? In and out. Then she sees you and the baby but she's not staying.

You don't know how you'll be feeling and this is such an important time.

GL x

babsie007 Fri 20-Dec-13 09:40:01

Exactly, having not don't this before I have no idea what Way I will be feeling or how I will react! And we have no space for anyone to stay so if she was stopping here we have to sort bed linen, blow up bed etc. I think her coming and going home in 1 day would be ideal and then she can come and stay once dd is a month old or so.

I can understand that everyone will want to see her but this is our baby and we need to have time together. Especially concerned about hubby as I am intending to breat feed for the first few weeks so I think that takes away from his bonding time with her too.

So difficult but I think I am going to have to out to foot down with her.

Alanna1 Fri 20-Dec-13 09:45:36

The fact that you feel this way is incredibly important. You will also be really really hormonal straight after the birth. I found my mother to be wonderful, but I ran away (with my baby) from my husband's mum (yes, I know, our baby but I didn't feel that way) and hid in a cafe until I knew they'd gone! So be firm and say to your mum she can come for an hour max on two days in the first week if she really really wants; otherwise you want your first 2 weeks alone. Then I would also look at where else she could possibly stay. Have you looked at air bnb?any friends who could put her up? Once it calms down it is really useful to have another pair of hands.

Theas18 Fri 20-Dec-13 09:48:43

How about she can visit in hospital then you are " baby mooning" whilst DH is on pat leave and she has to stay away?

DingDongUriGelleryOnHigh Fri 20-Dec-13 09:51:25

Give her a firm date when she can come and how long she can stay. Don't move from this. But you have to stick to it. Give her something like two days after DP has gone back to work, organise train times for her if you can!

ShoeWhore Fri 20-Dec-13 09:59:40

When you have a newborn baby, it's really tiring having visitors for longer than an hour or two unless they are the sort that quietly get on with running your household for you and leave you to bond with your baby. (My Mum did this and was brilliant, she did washing, shopped, cooked meals and cleaned etc. My ILs arrived expecting to be waited on hand and foot hmm )

How long are you expecting to stay in hospital for? In some ways, if you've had an OK-ish birth, it's actually easier to have visitors then as visiting times are restricted and mws are very good at telling relatives you need to rest now wink

If you don't have a spare room then I would definitely suggest that you would all be more comfortable if your mum stayed in a B&B.

Katekate77 Fri 20-Dec-13 10:00:27

Be firm. It's important that you both bond with baby and get into a routine without having to entertain guests. Tell her you've been advised by health visitors/midwives to put off visitors for 2 weeks so you can get baby into a routine. (Blame someone else).

I had twins in April and I don't think I even got dressed or made myself a cup of tea for the first 2 weeks. smile

Also when your DH goes back to work you might find you still just want to be alone with baby for a while (I did). I would tell her to hold off until week 4.

Be firm!

GinBar Fri 20-Dec-13 10:16:34

Remember to factor in your baby potentially being born late, mine was 2 weeks overdue, resulting in my sister coming to visit for 5 days when she was a few days old. Now i have a great relationship with my sister but after 2 days i couldn't wait for her to leave. It's such a special bonding time for you as a new family, don't share it with anyone you don't want!

babsie007 Fri 20-Dec-13 17:13:56

I'm so pleased to hear all of your experiences. I was worried that everyone would think I was just being so cold hearted!!! I really wish I was close to my mum and that we had the kind of relationship that would mean she would be here to help. It must be great to have that bond and faith in your own mum. Sadly I have spent nearly the whole
Of my pregnancy trying to fend her off and it just doesn't seem to be working at all.

I haven't looked at air bnb or at any local
Hotels or anything. I should maybe do that as it would be easier if she wasn't staying here. She got quite angry when I told her we had sold our spare bed to decorate the babies room... But that's mostly because she doesn't think the baby should be going into that room!!! She thinks it's very selfish that we aren't considering where she will stay when she comes to visit, even though I don't have anywhere to stay when I go back to Ireland to visit. Last time we travelled across, my mum had her double bed... I was in a single bed and my dh was on the floor in a sleeping bag!!!! angry

I have major mummy issues...

Noappointmentnecessary Wed 19-Feb-14 17:12:01

I lost my mum nearly 4 years ago so I say stop being high maintenance and thinking what she is going to be like and let her come over - she is your mum!!!! I completely disagree with everyone who has posted on here!!!

alita7 Tue 11-Mar-14 19:13:51

These things really depend on your relationship with your mum. Bonding time with a new baby is very important don't let anyone get in the way.

If you knew she wouldn't cause problems and need hosting then it might be ok but if it would cause you work at such a difficult time then have her round when you can handle it!

MinesAPintOfTea Tue 11-Mar-14 19:20:45

Could you ask her to come to help you once your dh has gone back to work? That way it will be two Weeks and doesn't interfere with his paternity leave.

rebecklet Tue 18-Mar-14 14:25:43

Only you know what your relationship is like and you don't need anything causing extra stress. I do like the previous suggestion about blaming it on the advice of health visitors/midwives so no-one can be more stroppy than they already sound like.

There has been a lot of threads like this recently and I think being vague with EDDs might be the way forward...

CyberMuddle Tue 18-Mar-14 14:35:33

This thread is from December last year, just thought I'd point that out! grin

atthestrokeoftwelve Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:23

Noappointment- I am sorry for your loss, as I'm sure everyone on this thread is.
However that won't change the fact that many people don't have the best of relationships with their parents, or other family members.

I would not have liked my mother to stay after my births either, it's a special time for bonding with baby.

My own mother lives close so was able to pop over for frequent short visits, and then go home again, which was ideal.
My friend's mother came from germany to stay with her for two weeks, the two women have never had a good realtionship and the stress led to my friend having a complete lactation failure.

In an ideal world we would all have brilliant relationships with our parents, but even unfortunately knowing that they will have a time to pass on doesn't turn a difficult relationship into a good one.

FishfingersAreOK Tue 18-Mar-14 14:55:08

Noappointmentnecessary I am sorry for your loss. Everyone has different experiences/relationships with their mothers. Every mother is different. Some would be a blessing to have around at such a time. Others would not.

MichelloBarner Tue 18-Mar-14 14:57:24

Tell her she can come at the end of the first fortnight but she can't stay any longer than a week. Easy.

AlwaysDancing1234 Sat 21-Jun-14 12:54:02

I had this problem with my mother first time around, she lives 200 miles away and decided to drive down as soon as I was in labour last time then barged her way in to the ward before I could even have a shower and sort myself out! We also have a difficult relationship as she is emotionally abusive and bit easy to get along with.
This time around I've put my foot down and said it's just me DH, DS and new baby for first 48 hours then she can visit after that but definitely not to stay. Can you offer to put her up in a cheap travel lodge or b&b for a couple nights just so she can visit but not be so 'in your face' ?

AlwaysDancing1234 Sat 21-Jun-14 12:54:37

*not easy to get along with I meant!

birdofthenorth Sun 20-Jul-14 07:49:53

I love my my to pieces but there's no way I'd have wanted her to stay at length after having my first baby. You will never get those days back.

KimmyC88 Thu 07-Aug-14 13:27:57

Hi Fishfingers are ok,

I was reading the old thread re-kitchen installer and you had some recommendation for someone from North Herts? I am looking for someone good to install a kitchen and am from Herts. Is it possible for you to let me have his contact details? Many thanks.

M1985 Mon 16-Feb-15 08:01:25

I have a brilliant relationship with my mum, were very close, she lives 5 minutes away and I see her most days BUT there is no way I'd want her staying with me! New baby or not!
I think being on top of each other especially in those early weeks will only lead to short fuses, annoying each other & arguments.
That said, there's no way I'd make my mum wait 2 or 4(!!) weeks to see her grandchild! My mum met dd1 & dd2 the day after they were born, so did mil.
I'd let her stay in a hotel & just visit rather than being with you.

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