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gender disappointment - anyone else?

(81 Posts)
honeymoonmum Fri 27-Aug-10 21:06:42

So obviously I am delighted my baby is healthy, beautiful, safe.........

I was convinced it was a girl and I now have two boys. I have a horrible empty feeling in my stomach.

Anyone else feel robbed?

I feel spoilt and ungrateful; but just so wanted a daughter

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 15:56:05

altheia, what a lovely post smile. Totally well put.

muddyangels123 Thu 06-Jan-11 16:22:12

I had two boys first and to be honest i wished my second child was a girl.
When i had my third baby we didn't want to find out what sex, as i wanted to enjoy the pregnancy and not be upset if they told me it was another boy.
The day of the birth was funny as we had our DD ( i still thought it was another boy) all the OH could say was, she has no go-nads.
Now nearly 9 years later my DD is more of a boy than ds2. Give her a tree to climb anyday.
And boys defo love their Mummy's more, girls are so independant.

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 17:17:04

you're right Shhh, society does have a lot to answer for, but I don't think it's entirely to blame

and yes, maybe it's one of those things that you can't fully understand unless you've experienced it. I guess I literally cannot comprehend the desire for a specific sex being that strong.
I mean, I got pregnant because I wanted a child. I think it's fairly irresponsible to get pregnant to get a specific sex... because if you don't and you end up devastated then you DO risk finding it incredibly hard, getting depressed and possibly affecting that child long term

anyone who gets pregnant KNOWS there is a 50/50 chance of having either sex, so I find it pretty hard to get my head round why people get so set on having one or another.

I'd be interested in hearing WHY people want girls so badly. seriously.
what is so awful about having sons?

You know, I come at this as someone with 3 little boys- so it really hurts me to feel that SO many people in the world would prefer girls. what do girls have that boys don't?

is it the stereotypical views? boys are rough and hard work and play football whereas girls sit with their mummy and braid their hair?

really? is that actually motivating you when you think of having a child? cos if so that's wrong on a whole load of levels

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 17:35:02

thisisyesterday - have you had a lot of negative comments from people because you have three boys? For example, how much hard work it is or "poor you, having three boys"? Wrong for people to say, I know - I already have the comments about having three girls and the hormones, wait until they are teenagers, etc etc.

I don't think people are wanting girls more than boys. Years ago, people had large families - no-one really thought of gender. Chances are, mixed family would result anyway. These days, money is tight, people have less children and I think a lot of people would like one of each if they had to stop at two, in an ideal world, but would be content to have either sex.

If you read my post, I don't have stereotypical views as to why I preferred to have boys. I've got two chances to do a better job than my mother - that's how I view it - maybe three chances - got to be close to at least one of them throughout teenage years, right? wink

I also heard that boys are more loving as children than girls - can't comment on a personal level obviously but I have seen that in a lot of families I know. I have also heard this:-

A boy is a son until he meets a wife and a girl is a daughter - a daughter for life, meaning girls are closer to their mothers when they leave home. Again, I cannot personally comment.

You hear all sorts of reasons why people would like a certain gender - but I don't think it is a problem unless it is made into one, like my friend's mother and her son - truly awful what she did to him.

When I tried for a family, with my DH's love and support, I knew I wanted a boy but when I was ttc, I was just hoping to get pregnant. I am sure most people are like that. Then, when I was pregnant, of course I was hoping for it to be a boy but I was more looking to get past the first 12 weeks (we lost a few before conceiving our first and had D and Cs and other things). Again, I think most people have this attitude - let's make sure the baby is safe. So when people do start out ttc, I think most people are wanting to get pregnant and have a safe pregnancy and birth as their top priority, as it should be. The gender issue doesn't have to be a big one.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 17:37:37

Shhhh - I just saw your little post in there! Thank you for that kind comment. I hope it helps the OP in some way.

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 17:52:35

thisis,there seems tbh to be mixed posters on this thread wanting both girls and boys so I don't think the views are all "noone wants boys".

I think people or some people should I say have an idea of what sex they would prefer. Its like what flavour ice cream you prefer etc.

I mc yet I wanted a girl... why..? because I wanted a girl to be close to, I have a sister so my only experience was of girls. My mums experience was of boys as brothers (till she was 16 and her sister was born) so I guess I also had mums views throughout life.

I also am very girly and tbh thought a girl would fit me perfectly iykwim.

Maybe people do see the steriotypical views..? I know for a fact that both my dd and ds are hard work but in other ways.

Dd is emotionally hard work and ds is physically hard work grin.

And just to add, when I was tcc yes I did want a girl and yes I was aware that I had a 50/50 chance of a boy v girl but I guess there was a small part of me hoping for a girl...

I guess in this day and age you can buy whatever you want and we get what we want..maybe you hope it would be the same with a baby..BUT someone upstairs has the final decision wink.

I do agree, its a shame BUT I wouldn't feel that the whole of society are against boys. Wrong...

I also didn't want to be a mil to a future dil given all the negative/steriotypical comments wink

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 18:00:18

also, just to add blush
Is it really wrong to wish to have a child of a certain sex knowing that you can participate with them in future activities..?

Obviously I know that its totally different to go down the option of requesting a certain sex with IVF etc BUT I guess I also had visions of joining dd at dancing classes or going having our nails done.. Not watching football etc !

BUT I now know (since having ds) that I would participate in anything with my dk's... I just have a preference to what I would enjoy doing grin

If I was a colour=Pink (imagine that on a playing field!)

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 18:40:32

Yes. I constantly get bombarded with "so... going to try for a girl then?" as if it's something i ouhght to aspire to.
"you'be got your hands full", "wow, 3 boys, rather you than me" etc etc etc
also the gem "i guess you like boys then"

you say:

"I also heard that boys are more loving as children than girls - can't comment on a personal level obviously but I have seen that in a lot of families I know. I have also heard this:-

A boy is a son until he meets a wife and a girl is a daughter - a daughter for life, meaning girls are closer to their mothers when they leave home. Again, I cannot personally comment."

those ARE stereotypes!!!!
I just think that if I found I was pregnant and i wanted a specific sex I would also be aware that there was only a 50% chance of getting it.
As such i would very much try not to allow myself to get too into thinking about names, clothes, what it would be like in case i was disappointed. do you see what I mean?

Shhh I think the ones wanting boys are in a minority though aren't they?
also, if you do a search for these threads you will find the overwhelming majority are "anti-boy" (for want of a better phrase)

I guess personally i see them as "children" rather than boys? I am not sure about the doing stuff with them because how do you know your daughter will be into ballet and shopping etc and not football?

so no, i don't think you can base your preference on a desire to do specific activities with them when they're older grin

I can actually understand having a slight preference on sex (no, really, I can) I just can't understand the real depression over it, the devastation, the feeling "robbed"

does that make any sense? It just seems like such an extreme reaction when you have just had the baby you wanted...

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 18:57:16

I totally agree that "your daughter may not be into ballet" and you son " may not be into football" and I guess that was what I was trying to say before..

That prior to kids I wanted a girl as I wanted to do girly stuff YET when dd arrived and years down the line I can the pro's and con's of having a dd the same as I can see with having a ds..grin.

Both mine haven't turned out liking exactly what I expected all those years ago!

BUT, what you need to take into account is that everyone is different and that these thoughts are being made by either pregnant or post natal women.. hormonal

Not the best of times to try and make rational thoughts !

But I empthasise with the OP and wanted to make her aware that she isn't alone (as you stated, there are various thereads on mn over it..) and that she shouldn't beat herself up over it.

Also, I had PND and depression while expecting ds so I do blame this for some of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe otehrs in a similar situation feel the same.?

I do feel its a shame though that people feel the need to make those comments BUT possibly they are being made to make conversaion or because they don't really know how to approach you having all boys..?

I guess we all experience some kind of negative comments whether we have one of each sex or all of one sex... Just the daft comments maybe we are all guilty of making at sometime..?

Like I said, people look at me cross eyed when I discuss having a 3rd.. becuase having a boy and a girl should end my desire for more kids..? not the fact that I want another one..?!!! lol

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 19:54:48

THISISYESTERDAY - well that's sad that you get such negative comments. Maybe it's made you defensive a bit? If I had three girls and got those comments, I would be defensive a bit - stick up for them and point out the positives.

There are "stereotypes", but there are also people out there with real experiences, which is why I can't comment personally, not having had any. I have heard most people with mixed families say that boys are difficult when they are younger and girls are difficult when they are older - down purely to sex and nature I guess - boys liking to rush around and girls getting all hormonal BUT that doesn't mean to say boys don't suffer testosterone overload or girls don't like climbing trees! These people that have made their comments to me have based it on their experiences bringing up their children - that's good enough for me. And to be clear, some have said they didn't really notice a difference between them and they just have different personalities.

I know what you mean about not being disappointed over having a different sex and preparing yourself for it. After my first DD, I kept all her clothes for the second came along very quickly and I thought, better keep them just in case but also thinking, if I had got rid of them bound to be a girl but if I keep them, might be a chance it's a boy. Opposite psychology - amazing the tricks of the mind heh?!! grin

I can understand the real depression over it. Some people, because of their upbringings, are dead scared of having a certain sex - that's what put me off of having children and then when I found out it was a girl, I felt God didn't understand me; I felt totally out of my depth - what was I going to do with a girl; what if it all went wrong; history repeating itself (it never would to what happened to me but I don't want "just making do"; I want the proper mother/daughter close relationship if you see what I mean). If I had a boy, I knew that I would manage so much better. Time goes by and I see God had put faith in my abilities as a mother - so much so, he gave me two girls grin but I will never stop hoping for a boy. This time, because I want to experience bringing up a boy. I am sure if I had a boy first and my DH said to go for another, I wouldn't have been so scared about having a girl (but it's fair to say I only know that now having had girls).

Maybe "robbed" is an emotive word but I get what the OP means. I am trying to see her bigger picture, outside the box as well as in it. People are not always good at expressing themselves.

SHHHH - I'd be guilty of one of those people smile. I guess I think it because, to me, it's perfect having one of each and there are so many other factors with families now - money, little time, stressed with work - all that sort of thing. I know if I had one of each, we wouldn't be going for a third because of those factors and I am trying for one last baby because I want a boy BUT, we looked at everything else too - taking into account that obviously, there is a good chance it could be a girl. We'e moving to reduce our mortgage to assist finances. And yes, I've kept all the clothes so they may be used third time around! I know families that have had one of each and still want another, just like you. Some want a preference for one sex for the third only because of their experiences with the two they already have. I also know lots of families that have two of one sex and are trying for another to balance out the family with the other sex.

SoupDragon Thu 06-Jan-11 20:03:41

"Yes. I constantly get bombarded with "so... going to try for a girl then?" as if it's something i ouhght to aspire to."

I think you'll find that mothers with girl gangs get bombarded with "So, going to try for a boy then?" too.

It has nothing to do with the actual sex of the child and everything to do with getting the "missing" one.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 20:04:28

Oh and I forgot to add, my own father has been very rude and insensitive about my children being girls. He wants grandsons. He is not blood relative of my half sister and he doesn't see her anyway (she has 3 girls, 2 boys!) and my brother has one girl and that's all he's having. I have been sure to put my father in his place about his comments and for him not to say them to me and said he would never see the girls if he made such insensitive comments to them or in front of them. I was very proud of myself! Since then, he's been lovely with them and very complimentary - to me and to family friends, so that's good.

My FIL wants a grandson too. He can't understand why DH is not giving him grandsons when he is one of three sons hmm.

And I thought I badly wanted a boy! grin

SoupDragon Thu 06-Jan-11 20:04:31

As an aside, the OP is from August so it's a bit of a Zombie thread.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 20:12:40

SoupDragon - I totally agree. Those types of comments are relevant to whether it's all boys or all girls and it is about getting the "missing" one - that's how they see it. I expect for some people, that is exactly it too.

I'm getting that now and I don't even know the sex of the third one - it's as if I've got three girls already, although one put a positive spin on it - "you wouldn't know what to do with a boy anyway so at least you won't be out of your comfort zone....."!!

My closest friends, who know my background, my family, my insecurities - are very supportive of me and have never ever said a bad word to me about wanting a boy but have been so encouraging about how I've done so well with the girls - even before a third one was on the cards. It's nice that people understand me because I do also know that I am blessed to have healthy children in the first place - that is never far from my mind. Can't help the way I feel - I do try to rationalise it though and do my best.

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 20:14:17

Maybe OP is still reading but doesn't want to actively participate or is finding it difficult to.

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 20:45:37

yep, I probably am a bit defensive because it does seem (to me) that boys are kind of vilified a bit. that's maybe a too strong word to use, but every time i read one of these i just think "what's wrong with boys?" it makes me kind of sad

soupdragon absolutely, it's everything to do with the "missing" one. I agree. I just seem to only ever see threads like this about boys. Other posters have said the same too, so i don't think it's just me, although maybe i notice them more because it's sensitive for me?

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 21:10:14

THISISYESTERDAY - I think you are right that you notice them more because it is sensitive to you. Heh, I'm for the blue team - always have been but not for the "average" kind of reasons, I admit. I love my girls to bits and I think what a limited choice of clothes I am faced with if I have a boy! I could be wrong - just that I am so used to so many different colours, combinations, do the dress, skirt thing as well as the trousers.

In some cultures - the girls are vilified and that's for real, isn't it? I mean, really vilified. I had read somewhere under China's policy of one child per family, there were lots of back street abortions once it was found out that the mother was having a girl - really awful. There are lots of cultures where females are still second class citizens.

When I was pregnant with my first, in my NCT class of 9, 6 were hoping for boys. One woman only wanted boys because she wanted to be the only female in the family - the matriarch (sp?). So I hope it helps you that there are plenty out there who do want boys. I am new to this website so I am not sure what the general consensus is - you seem to think people are more anti-boys than girls and there may be various reasons for that, one of which is because of your own experience of having three boys and people's comments towards you. Anyway, mother nature seems to have things under control - I read somewhere 49% girls, 51% boys. smile

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 21:40:07

yeah i saw an awful picture once of a baby girl just lying dead in the street in China, because of course the parents all want a boy

and now don't they have the situation where there are farrrr more boys than girls, so much so that actually there aren't enough girls for the boys to marry and girls get kidnapped and all sorts

it's desperately sad

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 21:45:06

Yes, I think that's true - they have too many boys. Maybe they didn't see this coming when they introduced their one policy.

I've seen in the UK a hint towards "stop at two" - a campaign that seems to be wanting to get off the ground. Apparently, we have too many here now as well..... hmm

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 22:09:08

well i have decided to "offset" mine like you can do with carbon :-D

all you need is some childless friends

Shhhh Fri 07-Jan-11 12:15:32

Soupdragon, not necessarily a zombie thread. OP may be reading as noted above BUT imo its also helpful to others who may be in a similar situation days/weeks/month/years down the line...

Nothing worse than searching for a topic only to find half fisnihsed threads grin.

LOL at "stop at 2" campaign within the uk. Can you imagine ! Makes me laugh that most families the last 20/25 years or so had 1-2 kids and now people are looking at having more than the 1-2 kids... YET what was it like 50/60 years ago..? most families had 4 upwards.. my nana had 6 ! nothing was said years ago..hmm

SoupDragon Fri 07-Jan-11 12:24:48

What I mean is that it has been brought back from the dead (twice as it happens )

Shhhh Fri 07-Jan-11 12:37:13

Must mean people want to discuss it.

Im also impressed that although this thread is split between those that want a certain sex to those that don't ... it appears to be bun fight free grin.

SoupDragon Fri 07-Jan-11 14:47:36

I've posted my tale on many other versions of this thread. It crops up fairly regularly

Altheia Fri 07-Jan-11 16:03:22

My Nan had seven! One of my Aunty's had four in the 70s. Years ago, when my Nan was having children, I don't think immigration was high then at all - maybe we weren't overcrowded and that's why nothing was said. After the war, the brought in Child Benefit (Family Allowance) as an incentive for people to have children. Years go by and things change I guess. I have felt pressure from people (not people I know well) to just have two.

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