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gender disappointment - anyone else?

(81 Posts)
honeymoonmum Fri 27-Aug-10 21:06:42

So obviously I am delighted my baby is healthy, beautiful, safe.........

I was convinced it was a girl and I now have two boys. I have a horrible empty feeling in my stomach.

Anyone else feel robbed?

I feel spoilt and ungrateful; but just so wanted a daughter

sleepingsowell Fri 27-Aug-10 21:46:13

Oh dear sorry you are feeling down. I'm sure someone will have better advice than me because I only have one child, a son - and I was so thrilled to have a son and look forward to his growing up with such joy. I just don't know how I would have felt to have a girl.

However I do believe that we don't have boys or girls, we have people.

I believe that gender roles are what lead to gender disappointment; subtle beliefs that society ingrains in us of what girls or boys will be, or do.

What might you get from a girl? Who is to say you won't get all of what you would have got, from a boy?

I think the way to come to terms with it might be to examine your pre conceptions around what girls are?

MollysChambers Fri 27-Aug-10 21:56:39

Congratulations! Your son has a little brother. I think same sex siblings have a really special bond. Try and focus on that maybe? (Sorry you're feeling down.)

catherinedenerve Fri 27-Aug-10 22:06:00

Poor little boy.

ledkr Fri 27-Aug-10 22:06:25

Hi I had 3 boys all grown now. was little disappointed but saw them all as individuals and tried to have the best possible relationship with them all. my youngest and I went everywhere together and shared many interests. he went onto become a ballet dancer so didn't exactly stick with gender stereotypes. we all get on great now and have a real laugh together. don't be disappointed just put lots of time into your relationship and enjoy them both. x

DinahRod Fri 27-Aug-10 22:26:00

It's ok to feel this way, it doesn't make you a bad mum or mean that you can love and be delighted by your little boy. Just promise me that if you feel really down that you'll go and see your gp.

Can I ask why you didn't find out the gender at the 20wk scan?

DinahRod Fri 27-Aug-10 22:26:49

oops, doesn't mean you can't love your little boy

teamWatson Fri 27-Aug-10 22:36:33

Well we have 3 girls & the 3rd was very much a suprise entry so to speak smile

I have always enjoyed having girls but my guilt does lie with my husband because I KNOW he wanted a boy.

After we had our second girl I could feel his disappointment but when we found out about suprise baby number 3 we also found out 2 other couples in our group were also preg with their 3rd, they had boys & we had our 3rd girl.

I notice how different he reacts to their boys & our girls, it's very sad for us, especially as like sleepingsowell said, just because they are females doesn't mean they have to be lipstick & flowers every day & we have 1 daughter who would love to play footie & rough house & I am sure if he gave them a chance would do what daddy see's as fun - very sad sad

Jenski Fri 27-Aug-10 22:41:20

I take it you were expecting a girl from a scan you had?

I wish you all the best with your two boys. babies are babies. please don't feel sad for having two lovely boys. I have three girls who are fab. I would love a boy, but it is not my destiny because I probably will have no more!

GIve your self time to accept your lovely new baby - he is meant to be

catherinedenerve Fri 27-Aug-10 23:12:44

blush Sorry HONEYMOONMUM, I have been very harsh. Perhaps you had been told it was a little girl and made lots of preparations.
I wish you a lot of joy with your little baby, I am sure he is gorgeous. And perhaps I am a bit jealous.

chipmonkey Fri 27-Aug-10 23:49:52

honeymoon, this is very, very common. I speak as a mum of four boys!grin

I really, really always wanted a daughter and now unless someone leaves a baby girl on my doorstep it won't be happening.

First of all, let me tell you that it is lovely for boys to have brothers. Mine are all a big happy gang and I think they like being from an all-boy family.

Secondly, as you know, boys are wonderful! They love their Mums so much and they really don't have to conform to a gender stereotype. My ds1 has brought me 2 cups of tea this evening, and by and large, I get complimented all the time on how well-mannered my boys are.

And to quote the life of Brian, They Are All Individuals! I often think that people who have a mixture will tell you that "Boys are wild" and "Girls are independent" for example but what they mean is that their boy is wild and that their girl is independent. There is nothing like having all of the same sex to show you that they are all so different from each other.

You will love that little boy in your arms. He will charm you and wrap you round his little finger and make your heart melt with his smile.

I would advise you to try to think of him as a child rather than a boy. Buy clothes in lime-green and orange and red and feck it, you can even buy pink boy clothes at the minute!

Another thing you can do is to look at some of the little girls you know and realise that they are not all little princesses, they are not all well-behaved and they are not all chocolate-box pretty. I think we can have an idealised image of little girls when really they are all as different as little boys and can be sporty and boisterous and not necessarily an improvement!

honeymoonmum Sat 28-Aug-10 14:29:21

Hi all-thanks for your comments. Can I state I ADORE my baby boy and don't wish him away just wish I had a girl too! If I could guarantee a girl would try for another but don't think that's a good enough reason to have another child. I am not diappointed with my son-he is an angel. I am just sad not to experience a daughter.

It's not that I want Pink Princess-far from it - I have one brother who I'm not close to for various reasons and have been let down by lots of men (not dad or DH thank god) I am just a girly girl and have a close relationship with my mum and guess I want the same- do you not think that when a woman has a baby it is her mum she gravitates to? When my boys have kids their wife will share it with her mum - I know it's ridiculous, just don't want to missout on that experience.

I guess I just also feel sad about the stereotype of DH and 2 DS's going to footie etc and me being left behind-my issue not theirs and of course I want them to be happy little boys. Also, as some of you say, they may not just love footie/boy activites.

Thanks for all the positive messages-I know they are all true. I'm by no means depressed, just the opposite but somewhere inside I had bonded with my little girl (who we named!!!) Just goes to show you shouldn't assume just because pregnancy very different/carrying different/smaller etc!!!

Above all - i love both of my sons more than life itself - I suppose that's the most imptoant thing really?

chipmonkey Sat 28-Aug-10 23:28:46

honeymoonmum you are brilliant!

And you can still be a girly-girl without the danger of someone stealing your clothes and make-up!grin

There is a website which deals with GD but I was a bit hesitant to recommend it as people on there can be a bit obsessive about ttc the "right" gender.

But the gender disappointment and rising above GD topics are quite good.

Congratulations!!!!!! by the way.

Boys are a gift!

honeymoonmum Sun 29-Aug-10 15:41:37

Ah thanks Chipmonkey. As I type my beautiful 7 week old is grinning up at me and I know they are just precious!!! Here's to lots of fun and games with the boys! xx

chipmonkey Sun 29-Aug-10 18:16:52

Oh, I do love those gummy grins!


<<<slaps self!>>>

redandyellow Thu 07-Oct-10 22:13:17

I just found out yesterday from my 20 week scan that I am 99 per cent having a baby girl. (I'm aware that this is only my first baby)
However what I was expecting from the scan and hoping for was a baby boy. I was both upset and shocked when I found out and couldn't hide my disappointment from my partner who seemed quite happy with either. Although he had mentioned weeks earlier he would prefer a son so that they could play with his two nephews in the future.
I have read a lot of other forums on the subject of gender disappointment and many of them have infuriated me for the fact that both women and men who have gender disappointment are made to look like selfish and ungrateful brats!
Having grown up with six sisters and one brother (My mother obviously tried for a boy due to cultural and family reasons) I hoped to have a baby boy dare I say it, not only because I have a fondness for them more so than girls but also wanting to please my mother subconsciously.
I am very pleased that my baby girl is healthy so far and that I am also in good health but I want to make it clear that this preference or disappointment is not something people choose to have. For a start it is a horrible state that makes you feel sad and guilty and it does not help if people tell you that you are just being greedy for the fact that you can have a healthy baby. What is wrong with having a dream of what you desire or wanting to please others, we all have ideas of what our lives will be one day.
Not getting what you want can be damaging but we are not hurting anybody by feeling this way but ourselves? I know that when I do have my baby that I will love and care for her as much as if it were a boy but for now please let me suffer in peace without the added guilt trip!!

Violet5 Fri 03-Dec-10 17:18:03

honeymooonmum just a quick one as you've had lots of replies but i just wanted to say that i'm expecting my 6th baby in 11 days time and i'm very close to my MIL. My own mum isn't that into babies but MIL loves them. It's been great because i've talked babies lots with her and if i lived closer i'm sure we'd have shopped lots together too, although she has bought lots for baby herself and swamped us with gifts. I feel very close to my parents in law (my own dad lives v far away).
So you never know whats around the corner, one day you might have a lovely daughter in law and be every bit as involved in her life as you'd hoped you would have been if you'd had a daughter of your own smile
For now though congratulations on your new baby boy smile

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 13:28:18

Can I just say that you shouldn't feel ashamed or sad for how you feel. Inparticular redandyellow & honeymoonmum...

I guess most of us mums to be have an idea of what we would like for a child and there is nothing wrong with that. I know that because I was in the same situation that you both are when I was expecting my ds...

I posted on mn and got lots of advice and I am so grateful for the support of mn then..

I had dd 5 yrs ago, after x2 mc so I was so happy I eventully got my baby. To add to my joy it was the little pink bundle I so wanted. I also had been told when expericing mc's that it may be due to me not being able to carry boys.. so to have a girl made sense.

Imagine my shock when at my 20 wk scan for my 2nd pregnancy I was told that I was carrying a boy.! I really was shocked, upset and had no idea how I would be with a boy. Afterall, Im very girly, had a sister and had no idea what to do with boys blush.

BUT 3 years on and ds is a delighful, active, loving, happy little

He was ill from birth (bowel disorder) and had undergone 3 op's and numerous stays in hospital..I blamed myself, the fact that I was sad when I discovered i was having a boy while pregnant..maybe somehow I had made my destiny..? BUT I have never for a moment regretted ds once born. The moment I gave birth all my fears and worries were lost...

I honestly wouldn't have it any different now. Yeah sure I have one of each which is fab BUT they are completely different children and I guess not stereotypical hmm.
(dd enjoys trains hmm AND pink things and ds loves dressing up as princesses hmm and rolling in the mud..)

Now we get the comments when asked if we want more kids.. "Oh but why, when you have one of each hmm".

My only bug with having ds is the lack of lovely boys clothing..BUT just means dh has to accept more is spent on individual cothing for ds grin.

Good luck with your ds, give youself time. On BTW, I guess what helped me to become content with the idea of a ds... a mner suggested following my 20 weeks scan that I buy a cute boys item of clothing (I bought a "bear" snow suit) and I placed it in my room where I looked at it everyday. It helped

Hope this post makes sense, just wanted to share my experience x

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 13:32:48

i knew this would be about having a boy

i pity your son. imagine being the child who was "supposed to be a girl"

i think you should have a good think about what you DO have rather than what you don't. I presume you had a baby because you wanted a child, not just because you wanted a daughter?

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 13:36:43

thisisyesterday, thats very harsh.

OP never once said she didn't love her ds.. its an age old thing, mil often tells the story of how dh was meant to be a girl..and my mum was adamant I was a boy BUT it never meant that they loved us any less.

Its the shock and maybe disapointment of having something that is out of your control.

Like thinking the gift under the christmas tree is a pair of louboutins from dh YET when you open it its a pair of slippers wink

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 13:38:19

yes, but her attitude to him may have big effects on his life

i've seen stories on here before on these threads from people who have been very much affected by not being the "right" gender

sorry, but these threads are ALWAYS about boys and it pisses me off. why are boys so unwanted? it's just weird and bizarre.

the op has a lovely baby, she claims to adore. so why all the moaning about what she doesn't ahve?

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 13:43:45

Ever heard of hormones as well..?

Have you read my post by any chance..? I felt similar before I had ds BUT in no way has ds been affected by the fact that I wanted a girl..? I now know that with me it was fear of the unknown and what I thought I wanted.
Ds is nearly 4 and I love him the same as dd. I wouldn't have things any different.

BUT I guess when I was pregnant I was hormonal and felt it was a drastic thing.

BTW, you can't change how people feel and that fact that you say these threads are "always" about boys. Maybe society as a whole has a lot to be blamed for..?

btw,who have you read about on here who was affected by not being the right gender..? Im not aware of any stories..?

thisisyesterday Thu 06-Jan-11 13:52:00

can't remember names off the top of my head, but several of these threads have had people come on and say that they were affected by it

you say you felt the same before you had your baby. presumably then once you had him you were besotted and less/not worried about it?

the OP has her baby. I think she needs to stop thinking about what she might have had, and start enjoying what she DOES have.

harsh? maybe I am. but it makes me so sad when i read yet another "oh i'm so sad i've had/am having a boy"
what is SO bad about boys that it upsets so many women? sorry, but it's just wrong.

Shhhh Thu 06-Jan-11 14:47:10

yes,once I had ds my whole thoughts and feelings changed and I couldn't believe I had even had any doubts.

BUT the difference between myself and the OP is that I found out I was having a boy at my 20 week scan so I had another 20 weeks to get my head around it all..

Maybe it may take the op a similar length of time, as well as the fact she will have lots of different feelings from hormones etc.

Yes, I agree, she does need to focus on what she does have and I felt exactly the same when I found ds was ill at 3 days old. I felt terrible guilt that while I was worrying about having a boy, my little boy was growing and yet to face a undecided future iykwim.
BUT time will help her.

I guess, unless you haven't experienced it its hard to know.

Like I said, I think society has a lot to be blamed for.. IMO everything is geared up not just for girls BUT women.Lovely clothes, toys, you whatch films and the women are pretty, princess falls in love etc.

Having one of each sex I can easily see that, I can buy dd a gorgeous outfit at asda or next YET with ds I have to hunt and usually end up buying from the internet or designer stores for him...

Not making much sense I don't think blush apologies...!

Altheia Thu 06-Jan-11 15:11:51

What a shame that the OP has asked for posters to share similar experiences only for the odd person to attack her instead.

Honeymoonmum, I would give you lots of hugs if I could because I know where you are coming from and yes, I felt robbed too. I didn't even want children - DH wanted them so I said one and then we would see how it goes. From that point on, I wanted a boy and never a girl. This is because I have a non-existent relationship with my mother and I always got on with my father and men generally. My reason for not wanting children was because of my poor and very unhappy childhood. I found out at my 20 week scan that I was having a girl and I was upset. I had an awful labour and I never bonded with her for a week or so. She is three and a half now and she's wonderful and I had lovely times with her as a baby. I thought it was God's way of proving to me that I can have a really good mother/daughter relationship so I got stuck in.

Second pregnancy - DH wanted another! I had a 20 week scan - another girl. I was very upset this time and got depressed but received some help to come to terms with it. I know DH would have loved to have one of each and he was also disappointed another girl was on the way. By the time she was due to arrive, I had a fantastic water birth at home and bonded with her instantly. She is two now. My girls are so different in personalities but they are lovely and I couldn't imagine not having either of them.

I am on my third pregnancy and yes, it is one final attempt for the elusive boy and if we have a girl, then we have a girl. She will be loved as much as the other two. I don't think it is wrong to try for our last baby in the hope of balancing out the family. What is most important is that the children are all loved.

I grew up knowing my father wanted a boy. He took on my mother who had a girl from a different relationship and shortly after, I came along. My brother came along two years later and he was favoured very much. I am close to my father now - he is proud of me and what I have achieved. I know he loves me, despite me not being the boy he had hoped to have. You may say, that's because he got his boy, but I knew he was spoilt and favoured, yet my father and I remain close. My mother, on the other hand, had me up for adoption before I was even born!

My DH was the third boy - an age gap of 8 years between him and the middle boy. It was no secret to him that he was meant to be a girl but he is fine about it.

A really bad case of gender problems for a child - A friend of mine, her mother's first born was a boy when she desperately wanted a girl. She dressed him as a girl. He had a unisex name. He must be in his late 40s now - still living at home, a bundle of nerves and from what I know, hasn't had a meaningful relationship. The mother went on to have three girls afterwards.......

Another person I know had the girl she so wanted after having two boys - she said she would have carried on forever until she got her girl. Her two boys are lovely balanced boys and her girl, ironically, is very tom-boyish and loves all the sports - she is not very girly at all. We both laugh at this now!

So you should not find yourself alone in how you feel. It is not wrong to feel like you do and as you have said in your posts, you adore your son. You have the right attitude because ultimately, he is going to be loved just as much as his brother. Lots of luck and good wishes to you.

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