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Double bereavement, how to cope?

(11 Posts)
FrameyMcFrame Thu 09-Feb-12 20:48:53

I have lost my wonderful brother on 28th December which was devastating but also my ex partner and father of my daughter also died two weeks ago from cancer treatment complications. I'm having a very hard time because I think my emotions are really confused. I have been very angry at people for no reason and I feel very confused. I feel I am disproportionately upset and angry over my ex partner's death and I feel like I haven't grieved properly for my brother.

I find I'm ok when I'm working hard but when I get to my free time, I just collapse and I cant stop crying. I'm starting to dread the weekends as I'm just spending the whole time crying and I'm utterly exhausted with it.

My brother was a very wonderful special man and we were very close.

Thansk for listening if you got this far

MandyT68 Thu 09-Feb-12 20:57:50

Thinking of you. No wise words to offer except that it is Ok to grieve and to be angry. It does ease but, like everything, it takes time.

CroissantNeuf Thu 09-Feb-12 21:01:59

Framey -sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can imagine that you have all sorts of mixed feelings about two very different people whirling around inside you at the moment.

Have you considered bereavement counselling?

A friend of mine saw someone at Cruse when she lost her Dad in quite traumatic circumstances and she found them very helpful.

Hassled Thu 09-Feb-12 21:05:47

I'm so sorry - what a time you've had. You must feel all over the place.
Anger is a big part of grief - and why shouldn't you be angry? It's shit, and unfair and all the rest of it. The anger will ease in time, but don't try to fight it too much.

Please think about contacting Cruse and see if your GP (or Cruse) can help with bereavement counselling.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs Thu 09-Feb-12 21:15:29

I have been wondering how you and your DD were getting on. Did she go and see her Dad or not in the end?

Grief is lonely sad I think you are probably grieving and angry on behalf of your DD too - for the Dad who hasn't been there for her and now wont ever be. It's a hell of a lot to deal with on top of your DBro dying.

It's all very early days, talk to people, grieve and be kind to yourself x Big Hug.

OneHandWavingFree Thu 09-Feb-12 21:43:03

I'm so sorry that you've lost your wonderful brother.

And I'm sorry too that your ex has died, and that your daughter has lost her dad.

You have so many threads of grief to unravel:

There's your grief for your brother, whom you clearly adored.

There are your feelings about the loss of your ex, which may be conflicted, or not what you would have expected them to be.

There's your concern for your daughter, whom you must help navigate through whatever her own feelings are on losing her dad.

That is a hell of a load for anyone to try to cope with alone. I really hope that you consider the advice of above posters, and reach out to someone with some expertise, to give you a safe space to explore, talk about, and express your feelings about each thing individually.

Wishing you all the best x

OneHandWavingFree Thu 09-Feb-12 21:44:20

I should have said, "your concern for your daughter, whom you must help navigate through whatever her own feelings are on losing her dad and her wonderful uncle.


FrameyMcFrame Fri 10-Feb-12 10:22:55

Thanks everyone.
Thanks for remembering about us ChippingIn.
It was all very sudden in the end, he actually died that weekend, I tried to go in and see him on the saturday night but I couldn't do it because I was too upset. The nurses sat with me and said it would probably be best if I didn't go in because it was very upsetting. He died on the Sunday. It was too much for DD, but I am glad she saw him 2 weeks before when he was not so desperately ill and she got a chance to say I love you etc.
She had made him cards and photos in a frame and his sister told us that he asked for them and looked at them right at the end and it was the last communication he really had, he was pointing at the photos etc. So I'm really glad we did that.
I have been doing the Muddles Puddles and sunshine book with DD, and we have bought a few other books. I hadn't thought about counselling for me really but I'm not coping so well at the moment. OneHand, you're right about the conflicted feelings for my ex too. He wasn't there for DD, I had to ring him up and pin him down for visits over the last 7 years or so. If I hadn't put the effort in she just wouldn't have seen him. I also ended up lending him money, I never made a fuss about it, he was always welcome in our home for meals etc. and he got on fine with my new partner.
I will look into Cruise

apricoticecream Fri 10-Feb-12 12:37:43


Sorry to hear you are going through this - grief is hard and it is early days. I just lost my sister to cancer and I am finding it hard but I found this that helps explain what you are feeling is normal:

Take care of yourself - it is very early days, it takes a long time to regain your equilibrium after something like that, but you will grow through it,

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs Fri 10-Feb-12 14:22:31

Framey - I'm glad he had the cards and things, it will be nice for DD to remember that when she's growing/grown up. Life is really, really tough at times, do whatever it takes to get through it. It takes a while to work your way through all of your feelings and accept some you didn't expect. Just remember, it's perfectly OK to be angry with DD's Dad for being such a feckless git, dying doesn't make him suddenly 'perfect' - no in any way, shape or means. Look after yourself x

sadanduseless Sun 29-Apr-12 02:47:18

Framey - I am so sorry for the dreadful losses for you and your daughter; my heart goes out to you both and there are really no adequate words of comfort.

My beloved - no, not beloved - ADORED! younger brother died last year. I miss him so much. Panicked last week during the thunderstorms as power kept going off and on and telephone/answerphone were doing their own thing! Was so afraid that my bro's messages would be lost! They weren't, thankfully, and I cried my heart out when I realised that I could still hear his wonderful voice!

Grief is the price paid for love.

Best wishes, x

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