This is the first time I have posted in this section, although I did manage to pop in for a quick glance a couple of weeks ago.
6 1/2 weeks ago I lost my darling twin girls after they were born at 23+5. The waters around twin 1 broke at 14+5 and I knew from then that the prognosis for the pregnancy was not good, although I somehow managed to stay optimistic until the end. It was an infection that eventually caused labour.
Twin 1, Megan, was born at 2pm on 30th April. She weighed 1lb 2 oz. Doctors tried hard to resuscitate her, as despite being told her lungs wouldn'tbe able ot develop without any amniotic fluid, she wa strying hard to breathe, but she was just too sick. I had had the infection (in my bag of waters, choriamnionitis) for some time and she had been covered in puss when she was born, it was amazing she had survived inside me for so long and we hoped the fact that she had meant her twin sister had a chance. Her heartrate was very low at birth and although the doctors managed to intubate and get surfactants into her, her heartrate just wouldn't recover. The doctors did offer to giv eadrenalin and chest compressions, but were reluctant and we felt it was best to let her go. She died at 15 minutes old in my arms. We were lucky enough to stay with her overnight and hold her.
Twin 2, Imogen, was born at 2.11pm.., weighing 1lb 4oz. They were still working on Megan then so another doctor rushed out of the room with her. We found out quite shortly after they had managed to get her ventilated and up to NICU. We managed to get up to see her several hours later and were told she was a fighter. Her ventialtion was good and she was doing 'ok'. Her time in NICU was both the most terrifying and wonderful time of my life. At times I felt sure she would make it, she was so determined and despite facing all the usual problems such early babies face, she was strong. At other times I felt sure we would lose her, everything she was going through just seemed impossible for such a tiny person to face. The phone call came at 3.30am on Sunday 9th May. As soon as the phone woke us we knew what it meant. It was the sister on the ward at the hospital, Imogen was very sick and we needed to come in. We got there in time (we lived an hour away) and we got to hold our little girl for the first time as she died in our arms. Amazingly, she had managed to open her eyes that evening after we had left, despite the fact babies don't usually open them until after 26 weeks. She had been determined to open them all week and although I know she won't have been able to see much, I am so glad she got to open them. Our beautiful girl had died of a pulmonary haemorrhage.
The funeral was on May 21st. It's all a bit of a blur, to be honest. I feel so sad that we never got to see our girls together, although they were able to be in the same coffin together. I miss them so much, and have what I am sure are all the 'usual' feelings that go with such a bereavement. I don't think I was ready for how this would make me feel. I have been through quite a lot in my life, but this really has knocked me for six. Some days I feel OK and others it feels like the end of the world. I get upset when I see pregnant women and almost feel jealous, which is probably normal but feels ridiculous. I also get very upset if I see pregnant women smoking, which I guess is also normal, and no-one deserves to lose a baby more or less than anyone else, but I can help wondering why me. I did everything 'right' in my pregnancy and yet still this happened.
I know this post doesn't make that much sense, I just feel all over the place at the moment and wanted to post something about the girls.
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22 replies
midori1999 · 15/06/2010 15:23
OP posts:
LunaticFringe ·
15/06/2010 22:20
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