Can I Come In Please?

(23 Posts)
midori1999 Tue 15-Jun-10 15:23:48

This is the first time I have posted in this section, although I did manage to pop in for a quick glance a couple of weeks ago.

6 1/2 weeks ago I lost my darling twin girls after they were born at 23+5. The waters around twin 1 broke at 14+5 and I knew from then that the prognosis for the pregnancy was not good, although I somehow managed to stay optimistic until the end. It was an infection that eventually caused labour.

Twin 1, Megan, was born at 2pm on 30th April. She weighed 1lb 2 oz. Doctors tried hard to resuscitate her, as despite being told her lungs wouldn'tbe able ot develop without any amniotic fluid, she wa strying hard to breathe, but she was just too sick. I had had the infection (in my bag of waters, choriamnionitis) for some time and she had been covered in puss when she was born, it was amazing she had survived inside me for so long and we hoped the fact that she had meant her twin sister had a chance. Her heartrate was very low at birth and although the doctors managed to intubate and get surfactants into her, her heartrate just wouldn't recover. The doctors did offer to giv eadrenalin and chest compressions, but were reluctant and we felt it was best to let her go. She died at 15 minutes old in my arms. We were lucky enough to stay with her overnight and hold her.

Twin 2, Imogen, was born at 2.11pm.., weighing 1lb 4oz. They were still working on Megan then so another doctor rushed out of the room with her. We found out quite shortly after they had managed to get her ventilated and up to NICU. We managed to get up to see her several hours later and were told she was a fighter. Her ventialtion was good and she was doing 'ok'. Her time in NICU was both the most terrifying and wonderful time of my life. At times I felt sure she would make it, she was so determined and despite facing all the usual problems such early babies face, she was strong. At other times I felt sure we would lose her, everything she was going through just seemed impossible for such a tiny person to face. The phone call came at 3.30am on Sunday 9th May. As soon as the phone woke us we knew what it meant. It was the sister on the ward at the hospital, Imogen was very sick and we needed to come in. We got there in time (we lived an hour away) and we got to hold our little girl for the first time as she died in our arms. Amazingly, she had managed to open her eyes that evening after we had left, despite the fact babies don't usually open them until after 26 weeks. She had been determined to open them all week and although I know she won't have been able to see much, I am so glad she got to open them. Our beautiful girl had died of a pulmonary haemorrhage.

The funeral was on May 21st. It's all a bit of a blur, to be honest. I feel so sad that we never got to see our girls together, although they were able to be in the same coffin together. I miss them so much, and have what I am sure are all the 'usual' feelings that go with such a bereavement. I don't think I was ready for how this would make me feel. I have been through quite a lot in my life, but this really has knocked me for six. Some days I feel OK and others it feels like the end of the world. I get upset when I see pregnant women and almost feel jealous, which is probably normal but feels ridiculous. I also get very upset if I see pregnant women smoking, which I guess is also normal, and no-one deserves to lose a baby more or less than anyone else, but I can help wondering why me. I did everything 'right' in my pregnancy and yet still this happened.

I know this post doesn't make that much sense, I just feel all over the place at the moment and wanted to post something about the girls.

OP’s posts: |
porcamiseria Tue 15-Jun-10 15:48:12

thnaks for sharing about your girls

there is no rhyme or reason sometimes, but jesus what a blow for you.... I sometimes think if babies are not destines to survive it easioer to have a MC than to go through what you've been thru

bless both their little hearts


MercyMe Tue 15-Jun-10 18:47:52

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your darling girls. Life is so unfair sometimes. Please take care of yourself, thinking of you all xxx

ilovesprouts Tue 15-Jun-10 18:52:34

so sorry about you dds xx

5inthebackofthenet Tue 15-Jun-10 18:52:49

I remember your post about your baby girls Midori. You did well keeping them safe for so long.

So sorry that you lost Megan when she was born, but glad that you had a few precious days with Imogen.

There is a thread on here for parents who have lost children of all ages, you should join, they are very supportive.

Hassled Tue 15-Jun-10 18:55:11

I can't begin to imagine what you're going through - I'm so very sorry. Beautiful names.

bluebump Tue 15-Jun-10 19:05:23

I too remember your posts about your baby girls and was very sorry to hear the outcome. I lost my DS at 22 weeks in Aug 07, I too had done everything right in my pregnancy and although I had been ill and there was always a risk i'd lose him it came as a huge shock for it to actually happen.

I know it sounds naff to say it gets easier with time but I guess it does, although I still find it hard to accept what happened I learn to live with it and get on with day to day living.

I'm glad you at least got to spend some time with your girls, you'll never forget them I promise.

LunaticFringe Tue 15-Jun-10 22:20:20

Message withdrawn

Hullygully Tue 15-Jun-10 22:23:53

Sometimes everything just sucks. kisses and hugs.

Monty100 Tue 15-Jun-10 22:32:52

Midori - my deepest condolences. You must be absolutely bereft.

Did you post on the pregnancy thread? I recall reading through a whole thread on this only to end in the heartbreaking news that neither twin survived.

You'll be more than welcome to talk about them on here.

Wishing you strength.

MakemineaGandT Tue 15-Jun-10 22:39:29

Oh my goodness - I have tears in my eyes for you and your family. You sound like a lovely caring Mummy - and even though Megan and Imogen were with you for such a short time, you will always be their lovely caring Mummy. I don't think anything anyone says will be able to lessen your pain, but please know that there are lots of people thinking of you. Lots of love.

kid Tue 15-Jun-10 22:40:54

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughters sad
There is absolutely nothing that anyone can say to take away the pain you are feeling right now.
Thinking of you xxx

bosch Tue 15-Jun-10 22:49:57

midori - thankyou for telling us about your lovely, brave and strong girls. I am so sorry that you have lost them.
I don't have any words to express how sorry I am but I am thinking of you and wish you lots of love.

There is no sense or reason to the way that bereavement affects you so don't be afraid to talk to family, friends, mumsnet or anyone about how you feel.

One thing that has helped me (in very different circumstances from you) is to write a letter to the person who has died. It was a surprise to me what I wrote.

mumoverseas Thu 17-Jun-10 11:23:40

I am so very sorry for the loss of your darling baby girls. You, your DH, Megan & Imogen will be in my prayers x

kid Thu 17-Jun-10 20:24:00

I've been thinking of you and your very sad loss these last few days misdori. Nothing I can say can ease your pain sad xxx

winnybella Thu 17-Jun-10 20:33:04

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girls.
I read your posts and I know you put up a hell of a fight to keep them well.
Hugs xxx

Lynli Thu 17-Jun-10 21:59:17

I am so sorry for the loss of your little ones.
I felt as you do in your position I had done everything right in my pregnancy and someone I knew of was getting drunk, falling downstairs and taking speed so as not to gain weight. It seemed so unfair that her baby was ok and mine wasn't. But in time I took comfort in the fact I did not need to feel guilty or think there was things I could have done or not done. Even though I have been there I still don't know what to say to you. Just take one day at a time.
Thinking of you

feelingafailure Mon 21-Jun-10 09:35:11

so sorry to hear of your loss.well as lynal said some mothers dont deserve babies,very unfair.hope u go on and have more children.i know that would not replace ur little girls but i think u make a lovely mum.

ClaudiaSchiffer Mon 21-Jun-10 23:42:37

Gosh, Midori, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughters. I too followed your earlier thread and the love and care you took of your girls whilst you could shone through your posts. It is incredibly heartbreakingly unfair and awful for you and your dh to go through this. Anyone who reads your posts can see how much you loved and cared for them whilst you could.

Be reassured that there is help out there for families in your position, you have my every sympathy.

It is so very sad.

loopyloops Fri 02-Jul-10 09:58:35

I am so sorry to hear your story.

A year ago I had a routine scan and discovered that one of my twin girls had stopped living in my womb. Both were delivered by CS the next day, at 32 weeks. It was absolutely awful, I still have flashbacks to being told, the surgery itself and the time in hospital afterwards. DD1 was 3lb and was the baby who had died. DD2 was 4lb2 and now, one year on, is a very happy and healthy lovely baby. I don't tell you that to upset you, but because my story would be incomplete without it.

I still can't see pregnant women without crying. Seeing twins makes me cry and even walk away from conversations. Any mention of twins makes me go silent and switch off. I was a dedicated member of a twins forum, which was lovely, but have only just, one year on, had the courage to get involved with anything baby or pregnancy related, and certainly the twin forum is not a place for me right now.

People have started to ask me about future pregnancies and the thought simply terrifies me. I know that people do it again, but I'm sure you understand when I balk at the thought.

After nearly a year of waiting for an appointment I have finally been offered some therapy. I hope it helps, maybe you should perhaps see if it does for you?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post, but as it was twins you lost I couldn't just read and run.

It will get easier, but it's a slow process and I really feel for you at this horrible time.
Take care xxx

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Fri 02-Jul-10 10:05:57

What beautiful names you gave to your daughters. So very sorry that they're not with you. Take care.

AbiAbi Fri 02-Jul-10 12:18:59

Midor, I followed your thread on the pregnancy board, when your waters went. I never dreamt it would end so tragically.

I am so very very sorry for your loss.


sybilfaulty Fri 02-Jul-10 12:28:52

I am so very sorry for your losses. Wishing you strength and peace.

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