I wish i could put my tears on here. I don't know what to do. I ve never felt like this in my life. I have 3 beautiful sons and have never had a MC before. So i should feel grateful for what i've got, and i am, VERY, but i just can't get over what i've lost. can't stop crying. I'm on my own as DH has had to go to work tonight. I feel so lonely. That little bean i talked to everynight before i went to sleep has gone.
He'll be back tomorrow morning about 6am. Its the loneliness that is driving me mad.
Started bleeding Sunday. Got worse over next couple of days . Seen at EPAU on tuesday and was told the pregnancy didn't go past 6 weeks (although i would have been 7 weeks that day). Have been bleeding really heavy since yesterday pm, and really bad cramps. To make things worse (and im so sorry if this is TMI) i was unlucky enough to see the sack and membranes today. went to loo and there it was on tissue. Oh my god, as if i hadn't been through enough. And i know this sounds rediculous (sorry spelling) but I felt so bad for flushing it down the toilet. Is that really stupid???
I know what you mean - had an mc 5.5 years ago and remember thinking I'd seen "something" in the hospital loo - very distressing.
Do you have to go back to the hospital? If you want to talk about something else that's fine.
No, i need to talk about this. I know i can say anything and you will listen. DH has been great. The pregnacy was a huge shock to him and wasn't as pleased as me, but i think this has made him realise how important it was.
I feel so silly when i say some things to DH and the few people that know. I want to mourn a loss but not sure if people will understand. I want to do something to mark this. I've still got my poss preg tests and can't bring myself to throw them away. Thats all i've got left of this baby.
Dh wrote a poem about how he felt at the time that it happened. I put my hospital wristband and the poem and a flower from a bunch DH bought me in a little box which I occasionally find and look through, makes me cry but means I will never forget despite having two gorgeous girls now.
Oops, it took me a long time to write the previous post
You don't have to pretend Bean was not around because he was not yet born. You are allowed to grieve and feel as you feel. You don't have to forget him/her either if you don't want to do so. Some people plant trees to remember the loved ones that have left, some others (as me) light a candle to remember them from time. You should keep the tests and everything that reminds you of him for the time you consider necesary.
This is going to sound silly too, but i do want to try again, not yet, but some time, and i'm afraid that keeping these things will jinx thigs for the future.
People keep telling me this happened for a reason, that perhaps baby wasn't "right" somehow. I know they mean well, and they are probably right, but i can't help thinking that he was my baby. That 1.5cm, little shrimpy thing with little more that a tube for a heart, was MY baby.