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friends bereavement - advice please

(8 Posts)
harpsichordcarrier Mon 08-Aug-05 10:00:16

looking for some advice please.
A close friend (I see her two/three times a week, met her at antenatal group two and a half years ago) has just lost her husband very suddenly (about ten days ago). I have tried to call her and left a few messages, also sent a card and letter, but haven't spoken to her yet. The last time I spoke to her mother who basically said that she was with her family and couldn't really speak to anyone.
My dh says to leave it and let her contact me when she is ready. I really don't want to intrude but can't help thinking I should try again to contact her, tomorrow maybe.
I have thankfully never experienced a loss like this and would appreciate others advice about what to do for the best.
thanks

Nemo1977 Mon 08-Aug-05 10:02:08

I would leave her as she has your card and knows you have been in contact so she may just need some time out to try and work things out in her head.

Blossomhill Mon 08-Aug-05 10:02:13

I would say give her some space. Her mum has said she doesn't want to speak to anyone so just leave her to grieve.
You have sent a letter and a card so she knows you are thinking of her. She obviously isn't ready to talk to anyone right now.
I know you just want to help and that's lovely but she will get in touch when she is ready.

starlover Mon 08-Aug-05 10:03:47

this happened to my best friend a few years ago. her dad was killed in a motorbike accident.
we were very close, so i guess it is a bit different to your situation
but she did want to just shut herself away with her family for a while as they all tried to come to terms with what had happened.

i know that the whole family really appreciated all the cards, and knowing that people were thinking of them. but they just wanted to be together to try and make sense of it and to grieve.

so, i am sure that your friend appreciates your card and letter etc... but i would agree with your husband. let her know that you are there for her whenever she needs you... but don't push it. let her come to you

Roobie Mon 08-Aug-05 10:05:33

I think she will be grateful that you have made contact and sent the card/letter. My close friend had a very late stillbirth recently and couldn't face talking to anyone directly for weeks although did communicate via email and let me know that she really appreciated cards and letters. I think she needed to be in control as to when she communicated so perhaps sympathetic phone calls aren't the best idea in the early stages.
Just keep sending the cards and let it be known that you are there when she is ready to talk.

basketcase Mon 08-Aug-05 10:05:51

I agree, I would give it longer than 10 days and wait for her. She will have so much on her plate, sorting out the financial and practical aspects, let alone deal with her child/children, the families and her own emotions and grief.
I think your card is bound to have meant a lot to her and that she will contact you when she is ready. Don’t be put out if this is not until after the summer holiday time - it could be weeks before she wants to see anyone outside her immediate family.

purpleturtle Mon 08-Aug-05 10:09:43

It may be a few days early for this yet, as her family will probably be with her full-time still, but maybe next week, you could make a home-cooked meal and take it round. If you make it something that is easily reheatable, and could be frozen if she can't use it that day, then i'm sure it would be really appreciated. If you go expecting to just hand it over on the doorstep, but prepared to stay for a coffee if invited, I don't think you would offend anyone.

harpsichordcarrier Mon 08-Aug-05 10:27:03

thanks for the advice, it is really helpful. Normally in these situations I would instinctively know what to do - but as starlover said maybe we are not that close, after all, just because we see lots of each other? Maybe it is the difference between the friends that you make when your children are friends; perhaps you don't know them as well as the friends you make on your own account (I don't mean that to sound harsh, but as a SAHM I do spend a lot of time with people I don't have that much in common with). My two best friends have both been through something similar this year - one lost her father (they were v close) and one his partner through AIDS - and I didn't have any concerns about the right thing to do then, I just did what I knew was right.
thanks to everyone - I appreciate your advice.

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