I have run out of answers to ds's questions help!

(14 Posts)
LittleMarshmallow Wed 19-May-10 18:48:10

ds is 3.11 will be 4 next month. He lost his dad last November so it is very fresh in his mind, his dads death was suddenish in that he was in a car accident but was revived and later died in ICU.

Ds went to say goodbye to his dad the night we withdrew treatment and gave him one of his little cuddly eeyores to keep him company, ds has kept the other one.

I am struggling to answer his questions about death funerals and his preoccupation with his own death and its impact on me. Ds's questions are very focused and intelligent the problem lies in that he is not mature enough for the answer to the question he asks. An example is If my dad died why can't you? or Will you miss me when I die? We have had some strange moments normally a busy supermarket where ds will ask me to discuss his funeral.

I know it is good that he talks about it but I am concerned as to how much he thinks about it. I know there are no easy answers but any ideas for a reply when he wants to discuss these things that he can understand would be good. It breaks my heart watching his cry begging me to bring his dad back.

OP’s posts: |
sowhatis Wed 19-May-10 18:53:39

i cant help you, but sure someone will be along soon. just wanted to send my love.


LittleMarshmallow Wed 19-May-10 18:55:42

Thank you sowhatis

OP’s posts: |
justaboutupright Wed 19-May-10 19:03:53

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justaboutupright Wed 19-May-10 19:04:50

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LittleMarshmallow Wed 19-May-10 19:05:45

JustAbout - ds doesn't qualify for counselling or play therapy because he is under the age of 6. I have tried as have his nursery. I do have some books and they are helpful to explain about my gran's death (she died the same week) but because his dad was young and it was sudden I am finding it more difficult to find answers to his specific questions.

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Heliantha Wed 19-May-10 19:07:53

Have you been in touch with Winston's Wish? They're a charity set up to help bereaved children who have all sorts of help available.

The fantastic thing about children and the way they deal with loss is that they don't think about it, they just say how they're feeling, when they're feeling it. It's us adults who store it all up...

Wishing you and your DS lots of love

justaboutupright Wed 19-May-10 19:15:08

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RubysReturn Wed 19-May-10 19:15:41

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LittleMarshmallow Wed 19-May-10 19:26:25

I am in the middle of trying to sort counselling out for me. I do try and tell him the truth but unfortunately telling ds that you don't know something doesn't work at this stage.

He does know quite a bit and his dad's death as I had to prepare him for what he saw. He does ask if it will happen to him and I explain that he won't die till he is very old, older than Grandad. He is really protective of me which is lovely but I am just so sad for him.

He will come to me and tell me he is sad and I have started to ask him what he would like and offer suggestions i.e a hug or a kiss or would he like to talk about it, sometimes he will tell me and sometimes he wont. I am trying to get him to talk out loud to his dad as I do feel he needs to express everything he is thinking about somehow.

I have looked into counselling I just can't find anything for his age, although I will look again the money won't be a problem as I am sure my mil will help as ds has a trust fund. Kids can just be so brutal with it and that in itself I find hard to deal with. Ds has had a woman in Morrisons crying because she asked him why he was buying his daddy flowers to which ds said he's dead.

I find it is something that few people want to talk about and shuffle nervously when it is mentioned.

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justaboutupright Wed 19-May-10 19:31:51

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RubysReturn Wed 19-May-10 19:32:08

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LittleMarshmallow Wed 19-May-10 19:40:52

It has been a long hard road Ruby there is more but this is about ds not me.

I like the letter writing idea so I might ask ds to help me do that when we have some time together. On his dad's birthday he asked me to get flowers one bunch for his dad the other for mil to cheer her up, he really is a sensitive wee thing. I asked him what he wanted me to do with the flowers and he said he wanted them with his flowers he laid in November on the night he said goodbye. I took photos of the flowers and the roadside but ds hasn't asked about them so I have kept them for when he does.

I have the newspaper clipping for when he is a lot bigger and has questions. I am gradually finding photos for him to put into a box. I keep meaning to get a diary and write done the things he tells me they used to do but I forget.

It is just the explanation of things is so hard how do you explain to a nearly 4 year old that his dad crashed his car, lay at the side of the road for 8 hours was revived even when I don't think he should be, his body put through way too much only for the ICU staff to turn road 4 days later and say opps he has brain damage. He never did wake up and I went nearly every night to see him even though we didn't speak.

Ds didn't go the funeral no one could have coped with that, but I made sure there were flowers there from him.

He has a song which is his daddy song and it is written about a man losing his dad, ds sings it and it really does break your heart.

I am lucky in that the nursery he is at is attached to the primary and secondary school and they have proved to be worth their weight in gold since January when he started. I hope he gets a place at the school there as my dealings with the services on our doorstep has been difficult to say the least.

OP’s posts: |
RubysReturn Wed 19-May-10 21:44:23

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