34 weeks pregnant and missing mum....

[plum100]

...who died at christmas. Life is just so difficult wihtout her and I feel so many different emotions every day.

I dont know if its the fact that im coming close to the end or what but I seem to be going backwards. Ive started crying several times a day again - not just a few tears but really howling like an animal. I miss her so much and I just want to see her. Just 5 minutes with her, thats all I want just to cuddle her and talk to her. Ive got so much to tell her and its been so long since ive seen her I just want her back . Every night when i go to sleep I ask her to come and visit me but she hasnt. I dont know how Im going to go the rest of my life without her.Im 34 and have probably got quite a few years left. I cant stand missing her like this everyday. Its such an effort to even get out of bed and live everyday. Sometimes when driving I imagine just swerving and heading for the nearest tree.

I have so many things to share with her and I cant. And I dont give a shit if she can see me and is watching over me - its not fucking good enough - I want her here with me!!! I want her to know her grandchildren, and for them to know her. And I want here to look after me, to make everything alright , because when your mums here everything is ok . Im scared. Who will look after me . I need her.

I know I will miss her even more after the birth, as her not being here will be so obvious. Even now I find myself going to plan my day around her and then I remember....

Im worried that after the birth I will get pnd, which would really top my year off. I know its still early days but I thought as time goes on it is supposed to get easier , but as time goes on its harder - I miss her even more because its been so long since Ive seen her.

Thanks for reading.

[Pancakeflipper]

oh dearie - I must be at a low myself today or that was very emotional cos' I have tears myself.

Nothing anyone can say will make it better. And that's the heartbreaking thing. It changes nothing. You still hurt and you still need and want her to be your mummy again.

Talk to her. Scream at the unfairness of it. Release it all out. Then hopefulluy moments of calm will creep in too.

Losing your mum is horrible and then you are having a baby which is great/scary/worrying all rolled into one. Your emotions are going to be taking one hell of a battering.

Have you spoken to your midwife? She will probably have had other women going through similiar situations and she may be able to support you a little more.

And please do tell the nurses at the maternity unit and the Health Visitor so they can support you and you don't feel stupid for wailing ( cos you are entitled to wail). And they can keep a check on possible PND and it will be dealt with. So don't worry about the PND.

Be very kind to yourself. Don't expect yourself to feeling on best behaviour. It's shit but you will get through it somehow and oh my - how much you'll love that baby.

[BessieBoots]

Reading your post brings back a lot of memories. My mam died 2 years before I had my first child, and I found the pregnancy really emotional without her. I remember crying for her when I was in labour too...

Even now, 7 tears on, I still think to mmyself "Oooh I must phone Mam..." before I remember.

I don't know if it'll help you, but the thing that made me feel better was writing it all- I started to keep a journal, a kind of letter to her, and I really do feel that it saved me.

Thinking of you plum

[TripleThreatIcansingIcandanceI]

What keeps me going is remembering all the lovely things i did with my mum when I was little, how safe and happy she made me feel.

That is how I go about looking after my two dc. By thinking about the happy memories it really helps me sort of get over the fact I can never ask her for advice or show her the dcs artwork/school certificate/general milestone.

And don't get me started on walking behind mothers and daughters going shopping with the grandchildren. I have been behind sometimes trying not to cry at the UNFAIRNESS of it all.

When we had our first visitors after the birth of dd, i cried as they approached the bed! I just couldn't help it. just focus on your baby and other supporting family members.

So sorry

[Kathyjelly]

Plum, I'm thinking of you. I feel like that too. My mum died without knowing I was pregnant. I was going to tell her once I'd had the all-clear from the amniocentesis (I was 45 so at risk) and she died the day before.

But am sure she lives on in my ds and am determined to save the little bit of money she left me to buy something he wants more than anything when he is 18. That would make her very happy.

[Elasticwoman]

Plum - do you have any one in RL you can talk to about your mother? I mean some one who also knew her v well, eg a sibling or aunt or uncle? Do you think you would find it a comfort to discuss fond memories of her with some one else?

It is said people live on in the memories of those who knew them. It would be nice if you could use the memories of your mother to soothe and calm you. I'm sorry you're so upset.

Was your mother's death very sudden, or traumatic? It seems to me that yours is a more complicated bereavement than most.

Perhaps you could talk to a bereavement counsellor.

[mumoverseascantvote]

oh plum, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and of course you other ladies.
I'm in the same shitty situation.
My lovely mum died last May and I miss her so much, I still have that 'I must phone mum' moment occasionally
My problem is that I am living with the guilt that she didn't see her new grandchild before she died. DS2 was born a few months before she died but we live abroad and were planning going back to the UK for the whole summer. I wanted to go back earlier but allowed myself to be convinced (by her and DH) that we would spend lots of time together the 12 weeks I was back. She died 2 weeks before I was due to return so never met my gorgeous baby boy.

So many people say she is watching over him and has seen him but I agree, it isn't the same. I'd give anything for her to have met him and held him just once.

Feelings all stirred up again as mum's house sale is just going through and it makes it all seem so final.
Hugs to everyone.

[plum100]

Thanks for replying everyone.
Im sorry for everyone else who has been through this too.
Elastic - She did die suddenly - although she was a kidney patient on dialysis it was working so well for her - we thought she had years. We spent boxing day with her and then found her in bed the next day. I know I wasnt prepared for her to be gone - but are you ever?

In the beginning I used to speak to my sisters all the time but not now - maybe because I was handling it better for a while and now its come back and bit me on the arse. I spoke to dh last night who said I really should speak with them again but Im at the stage where I think talking is not going to help. All I want is her here and no one can do that for me. I feel quite angry I suppose. I am thinkking about going to see a councellor through work - especially as because I just keep shouting at my lovely children - I have no patience anymore and Im so worried about what damage I will do to them.

Im executor of her estate also and im so worried about getting it all right - its the last thing I can do for her and i want it done properly. Dh said thats not helping as everyday Im doing something with regards to her estate. This w.e we have a van and are supposed to be clearing a lot of rubbish from her house. I dont know . I just feel like I dont want to carry on anymore its just too hard.

[chimchar]

oh plum. i'm so very very sorry to read about your mum.

my mum died very suddenly last july. i'm lucky that my kids did know my mum, and they adored her and she them.

life in the days and weeks after her death was dreadful. as time has gone on, i am able to be a bit calmer about it all... actually, the truth is that i don't deal with it...i've shut it out which is not at all healthy, but life is easier now. i catch myself thinking warmly of my mum and remembering happy times, or times when we really laughed together. that brings comfort, but i've only been able to do that recently.

you are going through a life changing time...be kind to yourself, you are allowed to cry...in fact, i think that tears are far more healing than keeping it locked inside.

i think that you should mention it to your mw...it is important that someone looks after you when you need it most.

i'm sorry that nothing can help you, but know that you are not alone and use this board to speak your innermost thoughts...its saved me a few times. xx

[Elasticwoman]

It can be a lot of work, being an executor, and if you are pg too, I can see why you might think it will be all too much. Can you space out these responsibilities do you think? Put off some things till after the birth?

At least you have dh and your sisters. Can you delegate some jobs to do with your mother's wishes to them?

It is normal to feel angry as part of your grief.

[plum100]

I dont think I can - people who are benefitting from mums estate want things moving i.e want their share so I have to get on with it.

[fairyclaire]

You have my deepest sympathy. I am now 38 weeks pregnant with my first child - my Dad's first Grandchild and lost him suddently on the 15/4/10. It is sould destroying as wanted to see his face as he saw his grandchild for the first time.

A lot of people will tell you that they will be watching over you and the baby, but is is definitely not the same and will be tinged with Sadness. I know how you feel when you say you want your mum there. Anger, hurt, guilt, pain are all part of it.

It does help to talk to people about it - either your sister/partner or even grief councilling - something been considering myself - to try to help those times when you cannot keep yourself busy enough to not go over it.

I think that the world seems emptier without those that we care about - but I also believe that they are with us at times - a cold draught when you are upset. It seems daft but our stereo turned itself on when i was upset and talking about my Dad. It gives a little comfort.

Take care of yourself. x

[TimeForCake]

Plum, reading your message is so very similar to my situation.
Nothing I can say can help your grief and loss. I lost my lovely Mum recently, before I became pregnant - she so very much wanted to be a Granny and I echo all your feelings so much.
I was terrified about pnd before my baby arrived a few months ago but the sheer joy and excitement that overcame me when DS finally arrived has helped in a way I NEVER imagined it could. I am so proud of him and love him so much, as you will too, that somehow this helps. I can't explain how and I never dreamt it would happen. Of course, it doesn't take away any of the feelings of sheer loss and the fact that my heart broke the day I lost Mum, but I know that if I can be half the Mum that she was, I will have succeeded and she would be proud.
You too will find the strength for you, your DC and your lovely Mum. You have half her genes remember . Hang in there. Hug.