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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My dear dad passed away in my arms

13 replies

TeriHatchetJob · 04/05/2010 14:50

My big strong dad who'd looked after me, gave me the strength and confidence to become who I am, needed me in his last couple of months.

I did everything for him and fought his battles with doctors, sorted out his affairs, looked after my mum.

When the time came, although my mum and sister were with him, he was asking for me and I got there. I leapt into his arms on the bed and there was a small movement and he took his last breath. I really think he held on for me - knowing he could let go if i was there, as I would know what to do.

I did then do everything - arranged the funeral and wake, sorted all the finances, did everything to protect my mum from having to do anything.

I have a charmed life but I'm also one for not burdening others. So whilst I'm going about my life saying i'm OK, I'm actually dying inside. If I didn't have my dh and dcs to consider i feel like i could just lie down and not wake up. I would never, never really end it all but i can't stop myself feeling like i want to. What is the point to anything anymore.

A big strong man who influenced so many people was gone in a second right infront of me. What's the point of anything.

I'm at the stage of disbelief that its all happened and just have this black hole inside.

OP posts:

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ChickensNeedOpposableThumb · 04/05/2010 14:54

Oh I'm so sorry Teri When did your Dad pass away?

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thumbwitch · 04/05/2010 14:58

oh Teri - so ! The first awfulness of it will pass, honest it will - and you must let your DH help you. Being falsely strong about it won't do anyone any good. You have a right to grieve too - and a right to support in that grief. Please let others help you as you want to help them.

Bless you, I know I will be a mess whenever my Dad goes, I feel so much sympathy for you.

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abr1de · 04/05/2010 15:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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castille · 04/05/2010 15:09

I'm so sorry Teri, you sound totally drained. I do know how you feel. My Dad died earlier this year and it was a terrible, terrible time. It feels like such a waste of a brilliant man.

Carrying on as normal has in some ways kept me sane, though it is very hard some days.

Look to your DH and DC for support. Make sure your DH knows that even when you seem ok, you are feeling terrible grief and are emotionally fragile. Is he supportive? Have you said all of this to him?

And think what your Dad would want - for you to think of him with love, and at the same time to keep living your own life.

It's so hard, I know

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OrmRenewed · 04/05/2010 15:14

Ah bless you teri. So sorry . He was lucky to have you there.

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ajandjjmum · 04/05/2010 15:20

So sorry Teri - lost my wonderful Dad six years ago, and can still shed tears at the drop of a hat for him.

But he gave me the strength to deal with the loss, and enough love to keep me going forever.

DS said the other day that he always thinks of my Dad as being the perfect man, because he remembers him as a bit of a hero, and of course, we always talk about him in a positive light. I had to remind him that he had his faults too!

You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful bond with your Dad - I hope you will feel stronger soon, and get the support you deserve.

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mrsfred · 04/05/2010 15:27

Teri, I am so sorry. I'm rubbish with words but I wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

I am glad he was able to hold on until you got there.

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TeriHatchetJob · 04/05/2010 15:31

He died last month.

I have told my lovely dh how I feel and he reminds me constantly that I do have him and the children and lets me talk when I need to.

Does anyone have any experience of counselling or bereavement support groups outside of mumsnet?

I think I might have to call in some sort of support.

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thumbwitch · 04/05/2010 15:32

I know that Cruse helped a dear friend of mine whose DH passed away - I have never used them myself.

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DrNortherner · 04/05/2010 18:26

Hi Teri, just read your post. I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my wonderful Dad last April, so I am 12 months on.......a cliche I know but it just takes time.

I look back over the past year and it's a blur of sadness, grief and missing him like hell, so much so it does physically hurt.

Wonderful Dad's are irreplaceable and we will never forget them.

I try to remember what my dad would say to me if he were still here.

Hang in there.

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follygirl · 04/05/2010 19:00

Hi Teri. I know how you feel as I lost my dad in November 2007. I still find it hard to cope with losing him.

He sounds like a great Dad and he must have really loved you.

I don't know what else to say without it sounding trite. I do think it helps to talk about his death so perhaps some form of counselling might help you.

I have only recently started posting here but the MNers are really supportive and what's more they know what you're going through as sadly they have all been through the same.

Take care of yourself

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Rosa · 04/05/2010 19:06

He was lucky to have you and you him ....
All the best

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TeriHatchetJob · 05/05/2010 15:23

Thank you. I have e-mailed CRUSE. I'm awaiting a reply. I think e-mailing is the way for me at the moment as, as soon as I start to talk about him/the situation/my feelings, I end up in a heap on the floor.

He was 80, he had a most wonderful life with a wonderful family and he died in his own bed with no pain with his girls hugging him. Almost a perfect way to go. I keep telling myself all this. That's my rational head on. The other head inside of me just can't get over it all at the moment.