My Dad died over 2 years ago - I still miss him

(28 Posts)
follygirl Wed 28-Apr-10 21:20:24

When will it get easier?
My dad died in November 2007 and I still miss him so much.

In April 2007 he was diagnosed with cancer in the oesophagus but it was early stages so operable and the doctors all thought he stood a good chance. He was supposed to have 3 cycles of chemo before his operation. During the second cycle of chemo his body went into meltdown and he spent 10 weeks in hospital. At certain points we were told he was really ill but I didn't really take it in. My dad was a superhero, to me anyway. Well, he was eventually discharged so the consultant said that he should go ahead and have the operation. He did have it and it was succesful.............then he died of a heart attack 2 days' later.
I can't get over the fact that he took everything that was thrown at him and yet he still died. I got a phone call from the hospital to say he was ill and by the time I got there he had already gone.
It was strange how yellow he looked. It's not like the films is it? I had to phone my brothers who live abroad and tell them. That was horrendous. My mum moved in with us for a few weeks and then went home to her empty flat.
She has coped really well considering. She has started lots of hobbies and got a dog and although still misses him terribly, she seems okay.
However I had to be her support plus had 2 very small children so wasn't able to break down.
The other week my dd said that she doesn't remember him anymore. I knew that would happen as she was 3 at the time but I still found it heartbreaking. My dad was brilliant and I am so thankful that he was my dad.
I am so sad that my dc won't know him and although happy that he met them, sad that he doesn't know how wonderful and amazing they are.
I know some of you have lost children which is unbearable, and that he was 69 but he was still too young to die in my opinion.
It's my mum's 70th this year and for the first time she'll be older than him. I know it is hard for her.
I do feel stronger than I did when it happened but I miss him so much...........

Sorry, I know that this is a long thread but I know that some of you will understand what I am feeling.

Thanks for reading this.

OP’s posts: |
mzmum Wed 28-Apr-10 21:46:12

I understand follygirl... July 2007 for me and I still feel like you too. Can't post much now as it will make me cry but just wanted to acknowledge your post.. sorry.

follygirl Thu 29-Apr-10 22:06:27

Thank you for replying mzmum.

I am sorry that you're going through this too. I am sending you a virtual hug. You are in my thoughts.

OP’s posts: |
sundaylunch Thu 29-Apr-10 22:16:29

Follygirl, I wish I could tell you it gets easier after x amount of time or whatever. But it doesn't really - not the missing them part anyway.

I suppose I have kind of got used to not seeing my mum after 9 years, but I still miss her as much as ever.

My dh lost his dad 14 years ago. Just yesterday he was saying how much he misses him.

But the acuteness of the pain has gone, iyswim. We miss them but we're used to it and we can think about them, and miss them, without feeling like the knife is twisting.

Your dad sounds absolutely lovely. How lucky he was to have a wonderful, loving dd like you. I bet he was proud of you.

ib Thu 29-Apr-10 22:17:42

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm afraid I still miss my dad terribly and it's been more than 10 years...

What I try to tell myself is that it's so much better to have had a dad I loved and felt was wonderful even though I lost him so early (he wasn't yet 60) than to have one of those abusive fathers one hears about all the time.

It still feels unfair sometimes though. I am now doing something which I would love to be able to ask him about as it is right down his street. I wish I believed in an afterlife so that I could think he was watching me and happy for me. Sadly I don't, so have to content myself with thinking he lives on in my memories of him.

sundaylunch Thu 29-Apr-10 22:23:11

'What I try to tell myself is that it's so much better to have had a dad I loved and felt was wonderful even though I lost him so early (he wasn't yet 60) than to have one of those abusive fathers one hears about all the time.'

Well said ib. I couldn't agree more. I had my wonderful mum in my life for 26 years. Lucky me!

wilbur Thu 29-Apr-10 22:32:33

Sorry you're feeling so down, follygirl. It is hard. I have been thinking about my dad a great deal in recent weeks. He died of heart failure in 2003 when my dd was 9 weeks old and ds1 was 2 and a half. He was the most wonderful man, a supreme father, and would have been 78 next week. As ib says, you never really stop thinking about them or missing them desparately at times and yet the love you shared has formed your life and that is always to be celebrated. I do really think that a father who treats his daughters well, who shows them they are valued, sets the tone for their relationships with men in the future. But my grief at losing him, although huge, has now found a peaceful place within me - I no longer feel that each day is an impossible task. It does get easier, but yes, it takes a long, long time. Take care of yourself.

rubyrubyruby Thu 29-Apr-10 22:36:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OmegaMummy Thu 29-Apr-10 22:44:42

ib..so well said !
14 years here missing my dad - my children never met him but we often talk about him. I always found the Henry Scott Holland poem a real comfort when I feel a bit low thinking about him. The one that starts

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
whatever we were to each other
that we still are

seeker Thu 29-Apr-10 22:44:42

I miss my dad - and he died before many of you were born, in 1984 - long before my children were born. But I see him in my dd, who looks like him, and has his talent for words. We talk about him, and I tell stories about him so that my children have some sense of him.

One thing that we do - not a planned thing, it just happened - is that we have a photo of him on a shelf and we keep important papers behind the picture. My father was always the one who knew where your O level certificate was when you needed it, or reminded you to renew your passport. So it's nice that the school trip form is "behind Grandpa"!

wilbur Thu 29-Apr-10 23:05:00

Seeker, that's lovely about you dad's picture. smile

elvislives Thu 29-Apr-10 23:09:29

I lost my dad in 1996. He was 62. I found that on the 7th anniversary of his death I could think of him without the pain feeling so raw. That's how long it took for our family.

Sometimes I hear a song on the radio or see something on TV that reminds me and I find myself in tears. I am sad that he will never know his youngest gdd and she will never know him. I'm sad that DS3 doesn't really remember him, but pleased that DD1 does.

Sorry for your loss.

follygirl Fri 30-Apr-10 18:47:33

Thank you all for the lovely replies. I am typing this with tears in my eyes.

I am so glad that he was my dad, I was extremely lucky in that respect, you are so right about that.

I just miss his voice and his smile and the way he would roll his eyes when my mum was being silly. I miss him talking about stocks and shares. I miss watching John Wayne films ad nauseum. I miss listening to jazz with him. I miss going horse-riding with him. I just miss him so much..................

I am sad that I didn't tell him that i loved him as much as I should have done. I hope he knew how much he meant to me.

My fil has a lovely relationship with my ds and sometimes I feel sad about that as I wanted him to have that relationship with my dad. Then I realise how silly I am being, and that I am just glad that he has a real connection with his gp.

It is just so hard sometimes. I wasn't able to grieve properly because when I cried (and I cried a lot) in the early days, it really upset my children. I also have to support my mum as my brothers live abroad and we don't have family in this country. So, even though I have comforted her many times, I have always had to 'suck it up'.

It's ironic but even though I used to feel sorry for people I knew who had lost parents, I never really appreciated how horrendous it was until it happened to me. I even apologised to a friend who had lost her dad as I felt as if I hadn't been as good a friend as I should have been.

We have photos of my Dad in the house and also on my digital photoframe and I like seeing his face. Sometimes it is like he is commiserating with me if the children are being naughty or sharing a joke at the way my mum's dog is more like a child than a dog....

I know that the pain of losing him will never really go away. It's just that I have to get used to the idea that he isn't here anymore and learn to live my life without him.

Thank you all for posting and for listening.

OP’s posts: |
follygirl Fri 30-Apr-10 18:49:36

rubyrubyruby I didn't see your post until today. I am sorry about your sad anniversary yesterday. I hope it wasn't too bad.

OP’s posts: |
nickschick Fri 30-Apr-10 18:51:07

My mum died in 1986 when I was 11.

There are still times that I howl like a baby as if it only happened yesterday.

The thing is our lives are continually changing and each new thing only helps us realise how much we miss our parents.

It does get easier little by little.

Promise x

snig Fri 30-Apr-10 18:57:46

i thought i'd post because i'm finding things really hard, my dad died on 11 april. i love him so much he was my rock. i know that sounds corny but the was the thought of my life without him just seems bleak, i lost my mum when i was 14 (22 years ago) and me and my dad were extremely close. he was a great father and grandfather. the only thing i can do for him now is to make him proud. he said to me "don't you be bloody miserable when i die, i've had a good life" but i guess i didn't always do as i was told.sad

nickschick Fri 30-Apr-10 18:59:21

Snig sad.

follygirl Fri 30-Apr-10 19:08:47

Snig I am so sorry. I don't know what to say really. I am sure that even though he wanted you to be happy at what a wonderful life he had (mainly I am sure because of you) he wouldn't hold it against you to feel sad and to miss him now. Dads just aren't like that.

nickschick I am sorry about your loss at such a young age.

sad

OP’s posts: |
nickschick Fri 30-Apr-10 19:15:19

Follygirl if im honest I think its far harder to lose your parents when you know them as an adult,as a friend.

OrmRenewed Fri 30-Apr-10 19:19:29

So sorry folly sad

I nearly lost my dad last year and my heart nearly stopped with fear. He's back with us nw but more and more frail. I am having to face up to the fact that he won't be with us forever.

follygirl Fri 30-Apr-10 20:09:21

nickshick he still treated me like a kid though. One time I was staying at their house for the night (I was 30) and he told me that it was time to go to bed (1030). I nearly chewed his ear off! Poor guy.

Even though my dad was seriously ill, I didn't actually believe that he would die. I remember smiling and nodding at the nurses and thinking 'but you don't know my dad, he is superstrong and will be fine'. I am glad that your dad is still with you OrmRenewed. As I am sure you are doing, enjoy every moment that you have with him.

OP’s posts: |
mzmum Fri 30-Apr-10 22:37:18

Wow follygirl, I'm so pleased you started this thread - everyone who has posted has said some really profound things and things I have never even considered before that can give all of us who have lost a parent some comfort. Thank you everyone.
I'm not very good at posting on these threads as have to be brave to even read them - have tears streaming down my face now....
But just wanted to say thanks as I'm having a few down days at the moment (which I'm sure we all go through)
Take care all

nickschick Sat 01-May-10 11:42:32

Lol Folly my FIL still tries to hold my hand when we cross a busy road blush - he just leaves Dh to cross .

wubblybubbly Sat 01-May-10 11:57:00

follygirl, so so sorry about your Dad. I lost my Dad 4 years ago and I'll always miss him.

I too find comfort in the fact in our memories. This poem always makes me cry, but I think it's so beautiful and it reminds how very blessed I am to have had him in my life.

I hope it can give you some comfort too. <<hugs>>

Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.
I have sent up my gladness on wings, to be lost in the blue of the sky.
I have run and leaped with the rain, I have taken the wind to my breast.
My cheek like a drowsy child to the face of the earth I have pressed.
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I have kissed young Love on the lips, I have heard his song to the end,
I have struck my hand like a seal in the loyal hand of a friend.
I have known the peace of heaven, the comfort of work done well.
I have longed for death in the darkness and risen alive out of hell.
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I give a share of my soul to the world where my course is run.
I know that my another shall finish the task I must leave undone.
I know that no flower, nor flint was in vain on the path I trod.
As one looks on a face through a window, through life I have looked on God,
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I'm not at all religious but it helps me to remember his life and his joy.

aristocat Sat 01-May-10 11:59:54

follygirl i lost both of my parents within 6 months of each other. this was in Dec 1999 and July 2000.
i still miss them terribly.

sadly it wasnt until after their deaths that i started my family sad

in reply to your question - it doesnt get easier but you learn to live with the change.
it sounds like you had a brilliant relationship with your dad, he must have been so proud to have a daughter like you.

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