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feeling guilty

(9 Posts)
jenk1 Sat 09-Jul-05 12:40:55

i have had 2 miscarriages, 1st one in may 2002 and then apr 2003 i caught 4 months after the last one and had a beautiful baby girl on 20apr04, thing is i still feel guilty, if the others hadnt died she wouldnt be here, all through my pregnancy i was frightened to be happy in case she was taken away from me and i still feel that now even though shes 14months, she is a lovely happy baby and its not her fault but something stops me from being close to her like i should

Mamatoto Sat 09-Jul-05 12:47:58

You poor thing Jenk - after what you have been through the last thing you should be feeling is guilt. Have you talked to anyone close to you about how you feel?

jenk1 Sat 09-Jul-05 13:17:07

no,feel embarressed

sparklymieow Sat 09-Jul-05 13:35:37

My DD1 was convinced the month that the baby I miscarriaged was due. I still think that if the baby hadn't died then she wouldn't be here, and she is 5 now. I think many woman feel this way.

spidermama Sat 09-Jul-05 13:43:16

I often think of the two I lost. They were real people and I still feel their presence when I look up at the stars or out to sea. I don't pretned to understand it all, but my 4 kids are so precious to me now.

I think you need to let go of your two in order to allow yourself to move on with your dd. I took advice on this and did my own 'letting go' ceremonies. Whatever you like. Could involve a big physical challenge. Write a poem to or about your lost one, climb a mountain and bury it at the top, or tear it up and let the bits fly, or burn it. Whatever works for you.

Basically, let the grief come through. No matter how much it hurts, it needs to come out so you can move on. It never goes away but you can make it manageable.

{{{{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} xx

bubble99 Mon 11-Jul-05 20:45:08

Oh jenk I can totally relate to how you're feeling, even though my circumstances were so different. One of my healthy twin boys died during a botched labour and it took me a long time to accept that his brother wouldn't die too. He's now nearly five months old and the feelings are still there. He's been sleeping a lot over the last few days. Growth spurt? Heat? Maybe. I went to check him earlier on today and I was shocked by the feeling that if I'd found him dead in his cot, I wouldn't have been surprised. I can't shake the feeling that he'll end up with his twin.

Please CAT me if you need to offload any of these feelings.

BubbleXXX

Marina Mon 11-Jul-05 20:56:08

jenk1, please don't be embarrassed by these feelings, they are totally normal when you are pregnant or have a healthy baby after a miscarriage or stillbirth. You poor thing, living with this guilt .
I had dd almost a year to the day after my son Tom was stillborn very prematurely, and hardly a day goes by still when I don't look at her and wonder how he might have been the same, or different. She is only 7 months younger than he would have been...and I feel guilty about feeling this way.
I had a truly crap pregnancy with her, failing to bond with her right the way through, and assuming the worst.
What kept me on track was bereavement counselling for Tom during my later pregnancy, and sharing my feelings with others, including kind midwives and a health visitor. Talking it out beforehand meant I was fortunate enough to be able to love her after she was born.
Please post here if it helps to talk online. If you have access to a reasonable GP or HV I would try and confide in them too. Or CAT bubble or anyone else you think might help.

jenk1 Mon 11-Jul-05 23:15:00

thanks for your support, it really means a lot. The first m/c was really upsetting, i started having bad pains and miscarried at home, i didnt know how far i was but when i got to hospital they did a pregnancy test and said-youre not pregnant any more and that was it-nothing,no explanation,counselling-etc, when i spoke to my cousin and described the miscarriage she said i could have been between 3-4months,she is a midwife, but i couldnt talk to anyone as i felt the hospital didnt believe me. Until a couple of months later i bumped into an old friend, got-talking and she said the same had happened to her-i felt relieved-i thought i was going mad imagining things but i wasnt- but i couldnt talk to my family-my familt doesnt discuss problems u just ignore them and get on with life, DH was great but he didnt really understand.
The 2nd m/c i was roughly 9/10 weeks i did 4 pregnancy tests just to check and i miscarried a week after finding out i was pg, i went to the hospital for a scan and they said-sorry theres nothing there, my sister and mum came with me and my sister told me later that day that she had never believed i was p,g and that i had convinced myself that i was. I was really upset i said to her what about the 4 tests she said,that they werent proper results, i even rang the company who made them and they said a pregnancy test will not change colour if u r not pregnant and they all did, i can only think sister was jealous as she was p,g at the time and wanted all the attention, since then i have never been able to speak to anyone in my family about it as she told them all i never was pregnant, i have never spoken to her about it to this day, but i have to let go of all the hurt-i just dont know where to start. Sorry its long everyone

jangus Mon 11-Jul-05 23:31:53

Hi Jenk1
I understand what you mean, I just can't easily put into words what I believe.

Even though, when I was pg with Lilli-Mae, I always said I would not have another child before my 30th. Now this doesn't mean that if I have another child before my 30th, the child was not meant to be. I suppose I just believe that everything is already planned and that this was the path we were meant to follow. That does not mean that I understand why, or will be ever able to think of any reason why Lilli-Mae isn't with us now.
I suppose for me it makes it easier to believe this in order that I will be able to tell my next child this so that they wont feel that the only reason they are here is because Lilli-Mae passed away.
Like I said, I'm finding it hard to explain what I mean.
I hope I haven't upset you.
XxX J

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