funerals and familes - and the mud slinging starts - long

(10 Posts)
carocaro Mon 28-Dec-09 22:23:16

So my Grandma has not even been buried yet and the slagging off has already started.

I am one of 11 grandchildren, me and my brother were the only one's who ever saw her for various reasons. Not often, due to many past issues etc etc. We were not that close, my Dad died 10 yeats ago as were closer after that, she was hard work and told me to go 20 minutes after I got there sometimes. I took her out for lunch, afternoon tea, took her great grandkids to see her, my husband did some shppoing for her and sorted out heating etc etc, got her flowers etc etc.

But apparently what I did was no enough, according to a friend of my Grandmas's who was a good friend in the past ten years. She intimates that some how me and my family were inferior as her family would not have behaved in that way, according to her breaking my Gran's heart, which is bullshit.

Then my Uncle gets on the phone, talks at me and tells me to butt out of all arrangements and to speak with no one about them as it will be done his way and that is it, he then put the phone down on me. Said Uncle fell out with his own kids, 3 of them over 10 years ago and has not spoken to them since. Figures he's a twat then.

My other Uncle, her eldest son fell out with her years ago and that rarely saw each other since. He has been banned from the funeral by my uncle.

I suppose it is all down to a matter of opinion, but what the fuck is it will people and death and funerals? I have spent the last 3 hours crying about it all, I am annoyed at myself for getting so upset and furious at the same time for all these people being so revolting and cruel.

This family friend has MARTER written on her forhead 'I chose to care for her and I don't want any thanks for it' Oh really, could have fooled me. She was in a BUPA care Home FFS being cared for. There are plently of other absent family members if she wants to kick off at them.

I would really like to get some of the photo's/or copies that she had of my Dad, but I suppose I have a snowballs chance in hell.

Anyway just venting. I really don't want to go to the funeral now, to either get upset in front of them or blurt out something and loose my head. But I will.

Thanks if you got this far.

OP’s posts: |
Ivykaty44 Mon 28-Dec-09 22:27:25

Gsh - this is so sad

Just to say you can't ban someone from going to a funeral, a crem will not allow this to happen and often undertakers are aware of problems and will calm things really well.

Just let your uncles sort themselves out, you can send the flowers you like and then go to the funeral and say goodbye.

Dont take to much notcie of uncle twunty as he will be left with the bill anyway.

VicarInaTinselTuTu Mon 28-Dec-09 23:25:01

god there is just nothing worse for bringing out the very worst in someone than a funeral.

try and ignore it, you did good, rise above it all, turn up, pay your respects and then scarper.

i lost the woman who brought me up and my eldest sister within 4 weeks and the shite that the 'family' put me through was awful. no wills left you see - so i bowed out and left them all to it. at least i had dignity in tact while they all fought over wedding rings and vases.

good luck.

brightspark2 Mon 28-Dec-09 23:42:19

Can you ask the care home for any photos of your Dad? Did she have them there with her?

Northernlebkuchen Tue 29-Dec-09 00:18:48

OP - people are just vile sometimes and unfortunately being bereaved doesn't automatically make you a nice person. I'm apalled your uncle is trying to ban your other uncle from the funeral, that's truly awful. Just try to rise above it and remember your gran as you wish. You know what relationship you had and what you did for her. I expect sadly that your uncle is trying to reserve the inheritance for himself. That is usually what is at the bottom of these things. My mum attended her godmother's funeral and saw the ring she had been promised by her godmother on the finger of the grandaughter of the deceased. Now she wasn't bothered about the ring (I was bloody furious grin but she was angry when the daughter of the deceased told her there was no will left. Her godmother was a very precise type of person, really old fashioned and the idea that she died intestate - died at a great age after a long illness - well mum just didn't believe that. Thing is - people who act so badly after a death really, really diminish themselves not us. It's shabby and horrible and the best thing is to ignore it.

WingedVictory Thu 31-Dec-09 10:17:43

carocaro, you are doing very well by trying to work your way through your emotions in an honest way - being honest with yourself ("we were not that close"/ "she was hard work") and with others. This will serve you much better than the appalling behavior of others you describe (including the martyred friend). As Northernlebkuchen says, various idiots in this story are probably acting to position themselves for something or other. Your honesty is probably really getting on their nerves as it grates on their lies.

I'm sorry this doesn't help with any possibility of reconciling with these people or getting them to behave any better, but please don't give up on your honesty, especially honesty with yourself. This doesn't mean you have to challenge everyone at the funeral with their lies, but just live with your honesty, and you will feel better in the long run. Sorry everyone is making things harder than they need to be, though sad.

Northernlebkuchen, are you implying that they destroyed the will?! shock

carocaro Wed 13-Jan-10 10:29:51

The funeral's today and I feel really shaky.

Not really about my Grandma's death, she was 90 after all.

But just about seeing the townks and twats mentioned above. The family friend has sort of said she is sorry about what she said to me via someone else, but not directly. And twat Uncle has said nothing since.

Other Uncle is coming despite being told not too. Will it end up like and episode of Shameless?

They also have the hump I am not going in the funeral car. Like duuur you were both fucking vile to me, do you think I really want to sit in a car with you for 40 minutes?!? Are you that thick?

I went to another funeral on Monday (same place as today), an old school friend, died at 39, the place was packed, standing room only, full of love and laughter and so so heavy with sorrow and sadness.

Todays will be cold and hard, full of bitterness and resentment.

DH and brother are coming too, so feel like I have sheild and support.

Am gritting me teeth.

OP’s posts: |
WingedVictory Wed 13-Jan-10 21:04:50

Hi, carocaro, I hope it went well and that the Illegitimates behaved better than they were intending to! It's passed now, so you don't have to dread it any more. Sleep well tonight.

carocaro Thu 14-Jan-10 10:56:03

Thanks, it was OK, family friend was frosty, Uncle was OK, I drnks 4 gin and tonics at the buffet lunch afterwards and was polite and talkative as poss!

Had to have a sleep when I got home.

Glad its over and done with.

OP’s posts: |
WingedVictory Thu 14-Jan-10 13:27:29

Wow. I guess they are cowards as well as prats - couldn't face behaving as badly as they wanted to - hahaha. I hope they feel ashamed (of their intentions, and relieved that they didn't fulfil them! wink). Well done for going; you would have missed the "good" behaviour otherwise. Now you don't have to dwell on your dread of the funeral any more.

Hope you had a good rest last night.

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