Gifts for small children who've lost their mum - appropriate or not

[columbolover]

Hi

Looking for a bit of advice really. A former colleague of my dh wife has died suddenly and unexpectedly this week leaving 2 small dc age 6 and 1 .

Feel I want to send the children some sort of toy / gift not to say "happy Xmas" obviously, it would not be appropriate and they will be wanting their dear mummy, not presents, but just feel at this time of year.. and they have very little family, I know Christmas is the last thing their dad will be thinking about.. but am just thinking about the eldest esp, he should have some presents to open on Christmas day just like his friends, his dad may want this for him but feel unable to deal with this. Though obviously I don't know this for sure, and am worried that giving gifts could be seen as v insensitive. Sort of want to help keep some normality going for the eldest and convey our sympathy, let them know we are thinking of them, but not wanting to do something that could upset the family at the same time. Just feel really sad for them and want to do something, but don't know what to do or say, and don't know them at at all well which doesn't help.

Any advice appreciated, and hope I'm not upsetting anyone if my intentions aren't coming across well.

[DadInsteadofMum]

Why is saying happy christmas inappropriate?

Kids think in different ways to adults and though they will be missing their mum they will still be looking forward to Christmas.

So many people do nothing for fear of being seen as insensitive, sending the presents is a lovely idea, not at all insensitive - just the opposite. The little gestures like that made teh world of difference to me and my kids.

[shallishanti]

poor family.
I agree would be nice to do something. What about making up a stocking for each of them? I always find this takes ages and often is down to the mum as well- you could give them to him and say he can do what ever they usually do. I remember a friend of mine being in a similar situation, years ago now, it was one of the dc's birthdays, and he said I know now why dw was always up so late I never realised how much work went into a birthday.
And remember them next year too.

[columbolover]

Thank you, glad you understand where I was coming from. This is a good idea about the stockings.
Just wish this awful time wasn't happening for them
Thank you

[chegirlwithbellson]

One of the things the 6 year old will be worrying about is whether Christmas will happen this year.

Despite losing his/her mummy s/he will still hope that they get presents and crackers and all the stuff that means their life is not going to fall apart.

It will be hard for the adults in the DC's lives to keep that up just now.

So I think gifts from you would be lovely.

Next year will be harder. People always think the first Christmas is the worst. The second year is when you have begun to realise that this is it, they are not coming back.

[columbolover]

Chegirl, this is what I was thinking re the eldest - he will be wondering if Christmas is going to happen. Yes, re next year, have just made a note in my calendar (to remind me when I get next year's) to remember them next year too - not that I will forget, but to remember to do something, iykwim. Che - am not a regular poster, more of a lurker but I remember your posts about your lovely dd and am struck by your resilience, my thoughts are with you as well, and with others who have taken the time to post from their own experience. Thank you

[chegirlwithbellson]

Thank you columbo

I am sorry about this family's terrible loss.

[onlyjoking9329]

a small gift for the kids would be nice, people trip themselves up over stuff like this cos they don't want to get it wrong, but honestly doing something in this situation is nearly always the best thing. these are the things that the family will remember.
i will never forget all the very lovely mumsnetters who sent things for the kids and food for us all whilst their dad was ill and when he died. the kids still talk about the people who sent us things and the ladies that made us our very special memory blanket.

[LynetteScavo]

How sad!

I don't think giving the children gifts would upset anyone...and the stocking sounds a great idea. Things like crackers too...if I suddenlty wasn't here next week there would be no crackers in this house.