I think I might be drowning a bit

(48 Posts)
Jux Sat 07-Nov-09 21:14:36

My mum died in September. It was expected but very quick - less than 4 weeks from dx to death. BUT it was a good death; she was in her 80s, ready to die and looking forward to meeting her maker and seeing my dad again.

That was OK. Big bro is executor and it is all being dealt with.

Then my little bro had a heart attack and died last Monday. I am not sure what I am doing posting about this. I don't know what I want from people. I can't take it in properly - yes, I know it's early days. The undertaker was a vile man, who wouldn't even look at me - would address everything he said to my big bro even when I'd asked the question (and as big bro is still working on mum's stuff, I'm dealing with little bro's). I had to go to London from Devon to his flat and police wouldn't give me the keys and I had to stay in a hotel which was OK but I wanted to be in my bro's flat with his stuff there and see where he was when they found him and the police eventually gave me a basic set of flat keys so I could get in, but I need keys to various storage units and all sorts of other things - his garage and god knows what. And I keep wondering if it's really all worth it, except I have dd, and I can't leave my big bro or dh and I really don't know what I'm saying or doing, but whatever it is, I don't really want it. I tried to distract myself on the X Factor thread, but it's not working.

OP’s posts: |
cyteen Sat 07-Nov-09 21:20:21

Hi Jux,

I didn't want to read and run - am so sorry for the awful burden of loss you are under.

I lost my big brother two years ago and I am still struggling to manage it all.

Am not likely to be much use to you tonight but do come over to the bereaved siblings' thread if you feel you want to, we are all on the same shit path and it's often been a helpful place for me.

It sounds like you are traumatised, understandably, by everything that has happened.

whomovedmychocolatecookie Sat 07-Nov-09 21:21:18

Oh Jux

I'm so sorry - this is just too much for one person to deal with so close together.

I don't have any advice other than to say that you will cope with this with as much dignity and calm as you did with your mum and that the administrative stuff is always a complete PITA - and everyone is always obstructive in these cases (or this has been my experience.)

frasersmummy Sat 07-Nov-09 21:39:23

Oh jux... you have had so much to cope with in such a short space of time

The loss of a loved one is a terrible thing to cope with, never mind coping with 2 so close together so its no wonder your head is everywhere

I am glad you can see that although you have lost soo much that you still have soo much to live for..thats a real positive for you right now

Take time to aknowldege what a terrible time you are suffering through and do whatever you need to get you through hour by hour. Cry, shout, and dare I say it even smile.

Jux Sat 07-Nov-09 21:55:44

and now I can't even find a bereaved siblings' thread [weak smile]

I really am trying. Here's another smile adn I've got it right this time

OP’s posts: |
Rubyrubyruby Sat 07-Nov-09 22:00:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cathcat Sat 07-Nov-09 22:02:38

I'm so sorry. What a shock for you.
Can your DH help with sorting your brother's stuff? People usually offer to help at times like these and it is okay to say yes, even if it is just some company for you while you do something.
Again I'm so sorry.

Jux Sat 07-Nov-09 22:18:33

Thank you Ruby. I have posted there, am breaking, and am going to bed. DD had an 11+ exam this morning and it didn't go well and that's my fault because I buggered off to London for days and didn't get back until late last night.

OP’s posts: |
RedTartanLass Sat 07-Nov-09 22:23:45

Jux nothing helpful to add, just wanted to pass on my sympathies.

cheesesarnie Sat 07-Nov-09 22:27:29

jux-how awfulsad.i cant imagine how you must be feeling,my heart goes out to you.

Lilyloo Sat 07-Nov-09 22:30:58

Jux sad the exam isn't your fault just a very unfirtunate set of circumstances that you had no control over.
Hope you get some sleep...

Jux Sun 08-Nov-09 21:21:51

I almost had a row with dh a few hours ago. I've been trying not to post about it, but I've got to get it off my chest. There should be a babble warning smiley on MN, there really should.

[babble warning]

I know I shouldn't make decisions at a time like this and I am not operating on all cylinders, but.

But I had said to myself (and to my best friend) a year ago that once my mum was safely in her grave and wouldn't be discombobulated by it, I would leave dh. But this year dd is in Y6 with SATS, and entrance exams etc so not right now.

And then my bro dies. And dh is almost looking like a rock and looking after dd while I'm away and promising to hire a van to come and get the valuable bulky stuff out of his flat so that I can move around in there and find the papers that will eventually show me how much money he owes so we can decide whether the flat has to be sold or not etc.

So I come home and there's no food in the house; dd has had only take aways for days. DH is on the way home from a 5 hr return trip (which was entirely unnecessary and could've waited) - but bringing food with him so we wait until nearly 10pm before we can eat, so dd gets to bed late so is tired in the morning (in time for her exam) and dh says he's read the letter from the school very carefully and we don't have to leave the house until 8.45, but when dd pulls the letter out in the morning, it says we have to be at the school NO LATER THAN 8.40 (and it's underlined and emboldened). Well, we do get there in time but only because once we get close there are huge long queues of cars all taking their kids in for the exam.

So I keep quiet because it worked out OK and dd is quite enough upset without seeing me and dh getting at each other (which is what it will come to if I say ANYTHING).

So today, I have to organise dd going to stay with a relative this week, while we go down in the van dh was going to hire.

Has he organised it? No.

Then he gets cross with me and somehow it's my fault he hasn't organised it because I haven't told him enough about what's there (I counted everything I could see and described it to him with approx measurement while I was down there, but also said there may be other stuff I can't see and we won't know until the stuff I can see starts coming out to give us space to move other things to see what's behind them etc). At which point I want to cry again, dd looks at me and does cry again and runs out of the room, I put my head in my hands and ask dh to just stop asking me the same questions, but to please just get the van organised and then tell me when we are going, and that I have so many things to worry about right now that can I please not have to worry about this at which point he gets quite cross and makes some sniffy comment and leaves the room.

And then it turns out it doesn't matter what's down there because he's borrowing a van from his mate and that's the van we're getting. And he's been sulking since then (3 hours).

On a happy note, dd and I have had a long cuddle and she's as OK as she can be expected to be.smile

OP’s posts: |
Hassled Sun 08-Nov-09 21:28:33

My God, I'm so sorry.

You don't need this shit with your DH as well, but nor do you have to deal with it - just get through the days for now. You can't deal with all of this at once. Your DD will be fine - she's old enough to have some comprehension of how you must be feeling.

Is there a friend who could step in to help with the practicalities?

Hassled Mon 09-Nov-09 19:06:39

How are you doing?

Jux Mon 09-Nov-09 22:25:37

I'm just knackered now, and a bit bewildered by the task ahead of me. Some relatives are being really helpful, and some are being less so - or less than I thought they would be, going on past experience with them.

DH has been better today, and greeted me with the arrangements he has made vis a vis van and dd.

So, today was spent taking dd to a relative in the heart of the countryside, living in a beautiful farmhouse, with some livestock, home grown veg, and lots to busy themselves with during the day.

Spoke to dd a little while ago to say goodnight, and she's happy there. She'll get good attention so I can stop worrying about her (though I won't of course).

Will face the start of the Herculean task tomorrow when I bugger off to London for the week, again. Big bro will take time off work (yet again) and we'll get started, once dh and his mate (with van!) take the gear out.

Too many e-mails to answer, so they're just piling up, but I don't care. Unless they are actually offering help which is helpful I have too much to think about to worry about how they feel if I don't reply. (Some are really kind though.)

At the moment I am feeling a little more in control as I've made up my mind about doing things one step at a time, allocate my own priorities and not worry about other people's, and if I can keep that up I think I'll be OK.

Thanks for asking Hassled. I am touched.

OP’s posts: |
cathcat Wed 11-Nov-09 23:52:59

How are you Jux? Are you getting through it? What about the funeral, it must be soon? Glad to hear things with DH are a bit better.

chimchar Thu 12-Nov-09 07:25:47

jux. really really sorry to read about your mum and your brother...

be kind to yourself. hope you're doing ok. x

Jux Sat 14-Nov-09 21:58:57

Back from the big smoke and sorting through more of my bro's stuff and sorting out undertakers and solicitors and friends and colleagues and uncle tom cobbly and all.

Funeral's not until end of the month. It's far too complicated with far too many different strands to pull it together sooner.

I am exhausted. I am delighted by the people I've met in the last 2 weeks, and old friends who have jumped up and helped, relatives who have stepped into the breach for dd.

There is so much to do. I have to take a week off now and rest. MS is playing me up and if I don't rest it'll just get worse and I won't be able to do anything. And I think the three of us here need to consolidate ourselves. Undecided about sending dd back to school yet. She's more relaxed after being at my relative's since Monday, but becoming quite tearful quite easily. So am I. I think it's the shock wearing off and reality crowding in.

OP’s posts: |
evansmummy Sat 14-Nov-09 23:48:40

Sending you a bit of strength, Jux. You're doing so well. Just keep taking it one hour at a time and you're so right to take some time out. I'm thinking of you, and you're welcome back on the thread any time xx

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Sat 14-Nov-09 23:55:53

Oh Jux. sad I'm so, so sorry. I am thinking of you, if there's anything I can do, even if it's to lend an ear, please cat me.

Jux Mon 16-Nov-09 12:57:16

And last week the two guinea pigs died. And this morning we found our beautiful cat dead in the road. She was 18m old.

I think there's a curse on us.hmm Somebody somewhere doesn't like us.

OP’s posts: |
cathcat Mon 16-Nov-09 13:01:48

oh no, I'm sorry. No curse, just bad luck. Hope you are looking after yourself.

Chickenshavenolips Mon 16-Nov-09 13:02:52

So sorry for all of your losses, Jux One day at a time, eh? x

Jux Mon 16-Nov-09 13:17:29

Oh hi Fluffy, didn't see it was you. How are you?

OP’s posts: |
FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire Mon 16-Nov-09 19:18:14

I'm OK, You are more then welcome to cat me though if you need someone to talk to.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in