I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much after losing my Dad

(71 Posts)
DrNortherner Sun 25-Oct-09 10:31:25

But it has. It is so hard. Sometimes I look back over these 6 months and wonder how I continued putting one foot in front of the other.

He was the most wonderful man ever. So calm, wise and good. And now he's gone, and I'm never going to see him again. He will never see ds grow up, and I took for granted he would......

People think I'm OK. I'm really not. I am changed inside. I am scared that the passing of time takes me further away from him, that things happen in the world and he doesn't know, and I will never know his opinion on them. I can remember him so vividly now, his voice, his smell, his hugs. I am scared that one day i will forget. I don't want to forget him.

I miss him so much.

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OrmIrian Sun 25-Oct-09 10:33:35

Oh Drn sad That is so sad. I can understand that I think. My dad is like your dad sounded and he is getting very old and frailer now. Your post stopped my breath for a moment because I could imagine.

So very sorry.

BoysAreLikeDogs Sun 25-Oct-09 10:36:24

I know mate

Outwardly, you look the same

Internally, your shape has been bent and battered beyond recognition, yes?

I am so so sorry

I have travelled this path too, am holding out a hand to you

cutekids Sun 25-Oct-09 10:36:53

oh DrN....you've started me off now.Your Dad sounds just like mine....a wonderful man.
I lost mine 15 months ago now and every now and again I catch myself crying buckets....sometimes I don't realize i'm doing it.The one thing that stops it again though,is the thought of him smiling...maybe even laughing....at me.I somehow feel he's telling me that everything's gonna be ok and to stop the tears.Then I get up and get on with the day again.Maybe in a few months you'll feel the same.Just remember the good times with him and you'll find yourself smiling again....smile.

drivinmecrazy Sun 25-Oct-09 10:38:29

I am 18 months on from losing my Dad, and can honestly say that those first 8 months were the worst. Of course I still miss him terribly, especially when my DD2 (4yo) asks whens he not going to be dead any more because she wants a cuddle sad.
The pain does soften over time. We make sure that he is still so much a part of our family, and talk about him all the time. The children have precious memories that I want them to hold onto so make sure we always talk about him.
I am so so sorry you are going through this, and can really empathize with your situation.
Sometimes it's as if he is still here when one of the children says 'do you remember when ...'.
I get really upset when I hear people taliking about their Mum and Dad, and feel so envious that I can't say that anymore.
My Mum is coming to stay today and her relationship with him at the end wasn't great, so find it so sad I can't share my thoughts with her. To him he was just an irritating DH, to me he was my hero, my protector and my Daddy

ChasingSquirrels Sun 25-Oct-09 10:46:52

god, that post made me cry - which not much on here does.

Time, an old saying - but a true one.

So sorry for your loss.

mammyknowsbest Sun 25-Oct-09 10:47:45

sad
I can't see the keyboard through my tears.

How wonderful to have had such a beautiful man in your life and those memories can never be taken away from you. I am really really sorry for your loss.
I don't think you will ever, ever forget him.
This is one of my biggest fears as my wonderful mam and dad grow older and like OrmIrian your post stopped my breath.
Please take care and I'm sending lots of love and hugs via MN {{{{{hugs}}}}

RubysReturn Sun 25-Oct-09 10:51:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrNortherner Sun 25-Oct-09 10:55:05

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. It helps to vent on here, because in real life I feel I have to out on a certain face.

Rubysreturn I am pleased it eventually hurts less to remember because right now it hurts like hell sad

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Rossco Sun 25-Oct-09 10:59:13

I'm 10 years down the road, Dad died when he was 44.

I completely sympathise with you, I still have days where I think "must tell Dad that" and then remember that I can't.

After he died I shut down completely. I was pg with ds2 and put my all into the pregnancy and then caring for him and DS1. I never really let myself go until DS2 was being weaned and wasn't so reliant on me and then my grief hit me like a rock.

The hurt does get much much less but I still miss my Dad. I'm terrified I forget him too so my children are often told stories about their Papa and I have so many memories. I can still remember his voice too.

You will carry on and one day you will think of your Dad and not hurt but will be able to smile.

mumofsatan Sun 25-Oct-09 11:14:47

No words of wisdom DrN but just wanted to say I completely understand.
Its now 5 years and 2 days since I lost dad and 5 months and 2 days since mum. Friday was a pretty shitty day. It did get easier after a few years without dad and I was able to remember happy times with him without falling apart. Since mum died however, its been like huge relapse but I imagine time will heal a little and I will hopefully start to remember happy times with both of them and hope you will have happy memories of your dad.

I still have times when I want to pick up the phone and call them and it takes a few seconds before I remember. Its very lonely.
I hope you have a lot of support in RL. xx

Hassled Sun 25-Oct-09 11:16:32

I'm so sorry. It is the most hideous pain imaginable. My father died six years ago, and sometimes still the phone will ring at a certain time of day and I think "Oh good, that'll be Dad". The pain doesn't go away completely, but you do learn to cope with it - it just becomes part of you.

And I've had enormous pleasure from seeing my parents in my children - DD is so like my mother (who died when I was 16) in character, and DS3 looks just like my father. I just wish they were here to see it.

DrNortherner Sun 25-Oct-09 11:44:08

Everytime I ring my Mum's number, it hits me that I'll never hear my Dad pick up at teh other end.

It so so so painful, its amazing we get throught it at all. But I guess we have to. 'Life goes on Kidder' is what my Dad would say.

The thought of Christmas is unbearable without him, and NYE. Am dreading the thought of 2010, the first full year my dad will never see......

As a kid I always bought him a pack of BIC razors for christmas as its all i could afford, I carried on doing this every year as a little joke. He would always prod and poke his gift trying to 'guess' what it was and alwys acted suprised when he opened them, even last year. This will be the first year since I was about 6, I don't need to but any BIC's in my basket sad

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peppamum Sun 25-Oct-09 11:54:07

It's been over 18 months since I lost my dad, but your last post about the razors made me well up. It was always such a pain to buy something for him, as he used to say he had everything he needed, but I'd give anything to be searching for his present for Xmas. I have no one else to buy a bottle of whiskey for!

It does get easier though. I can think about him in a happy way. But other times it just creeps up and you and you think, I really want to tell him that.

In the end, I feel he's still here when I parent my own children - I hate using parent as a verb, but he was such a great father, that when I'm being a great mother (not that often!), I see his influence being passed on to the next generation, if that makes sense.

Anyway, un-MN hugs to you. I wish your dad could be the one giving them.

RubysReturn Sun 25-Oct-09 11:59:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrNortherner Sun 25-Oct-09 12:13:54

I never thought about buying them anyway Ruby, what a lovely idea. I will do that.

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mumofsatan Sun 25-Oct-09 13:07:50

They are still with us though DrN. I was really low on Friday (dad's anniversary and mum's 5 month one) and posted a really depressing post on FB about my family tree being a twig as I have hardly anyone left now. This is one of the comments that a friend posted which I found really moving.

"They were the roots that made your tree strong, now you can nuture the branches so that the tree continues to fruit..."

Our deceased parents will live on in your DS and my DSs and DDs.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Sun 25-Oct-09 13:15:33

It does hurt less, but that change, it will always be felt and you find a way to learn to live with that.

When mum passed, i felt the change, but as you say, people do not see it. They think that after a few months its all over, got on with it, and it just fades. And it does not, its as you say, there is fear that time creates distance, and memories become spread out. Things happen which creates more distance - birthdays, events, growing older. It changed me more than any other one single event in my life.

I find the hardest things are not in fact the big things like birthdays, which I prepare for, but the small things which I am not prepared for. Like, making yorkshire pudding and not remembering the measurements and instinctively going to the phone to call mum, remembering she is not there, and I will never be able to make them the same as she did again as she is not here to remind me how she did them.

But I see her in DD more and more these days. Little things here and there that remind me nature is in some ways as strong as nurture as she was not her to help DD grow, yet her character is there, facial expressions creep in and I remind myself she is still alive.

everlong Sun 25-Oct-09 15:36:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigGitDad Sun 25-Oct-09 15:53:24

My thoughts are with you Dr Northerner. All I can suggest is to occasionally talk about him to your kids and remember the funny anecdotes etc to them. That way you are keeping his memory alive and he will not be forgotten.
I'm sure your Dad too would not want you to be sad and unhappy now, I wonder what he would say to you if he could.
It sounds like you need to talk to someone as you say to let out your feelings. Do you have a church or something nearby that you can go and have a chat with someone. (That said I'm not a religious person) Or is there a bereavement thread on MN?
As I said, thoughts are with you.

onlyjoking9329 Sun 25-Oct-09 22:04:25

thinking of you DrN
you will always have a Dad shaped hole in your life, in time it will hurt less.

SmallSCREAMCap Sun 25-Oct-09 22:15:54

Hi again DrN. I am sorry you're having a bad time.

I still have dreams about my Dad sometimes and am relieved to find that actually, I haven't forgotten a single thing about him, from the way he got out of a chair, to his laughter lines, to how he slid his feet when he put on his shoes, to how he changed into third gear... all still there.

Hang in there.

DrNortherner Sun 25-Oct-09 23:23:46

You are all right. I never will forget him - his throaty laugh, the way he used the word magnificent to describe really small things, the way he used to put capital letters radomly in the midle of songs, and the 1001 cliches he had for every single situation. I will never forget.

Thank you all for your very kind words smile

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DrNortherner Sun 25-Oct-09 23:24:36

in the middle of sentences not songs...

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BoysAreLikeDogs Sun 25-Oct-09 23:26:01

yy to dreaming

I find it v comforting, even though the split second between you waking up and then remembering is so so hard.

Dr N, he sounds so very special. I am so sorry for your loss.

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